A few weeks ago, I was exchanging texts with several people about a number of different things. I was sending a flurry of messages to a few facilitators and would-be participants about an upcoming workshop. We were going back and forth about issues and logistical concerns that just cropped up. I was also exchanging messages with my children’s pediatrician and two other people. With all the messages flying about, you can imagine the frenzy. I thought I was managing these different parties and topics quite efficiently until I got a text from someone who had misinterpreted one of my responses, which ultimately ended in me being told that my bedside manner needed polishing.
Uh-oh. This was not the first time a misunderstanding occurred in SMS world, so I reviewed my sent messages box. The only message that could have been misinterpreted did sound terse, though it didn’t merit the subsequent rudeness I was now being subjected to.
Alas, that is but one dark side of technology. When people start to read emotions into that one-dimensional screen, nothing can save the day. We have all gotten creative about conveying our emotions with emoticons, exclamation points, capital letters and other graphics, but the truth is this little screen will never accurately tell you what the person on the other side of it really carries in her heart. We cannot truly see the emotional backdrop of every message. The minute we assume to know and foist our assumptions on the sender, things can go very wrong.
If you dare remind an offended party that the only emotions one can read over the screen are one’s own, you only rub salt into his imaginary wounds, even if you are right. But unless the other person is standing across from you (and even then you could be wrong), you cannot claim to know what his intentions and emotions are, so what is the point of picking a fight over SMS? Or e-mail?
There are a few people in my little SMS and e-mail world who tend to do this. They do it with e-mail, too. I’ve already made a mental note to be extra careful with them but sometimes, in the flurry of things, the inevitable virtual squabble still occurs. When I am more in tune and connected to my higher self (FYI: not often), I simply drop away and cut communication. I don’t even bother to engage them because when the other person is already in that zone, the best thing to do is ease off. But, on ordinary days when I am also feeling vulnerable and emotionally volatile, I am known to respond with equal, if not superior, rudeness. Not good. This tells me we have abused this little cell phone that markets itself as a vital communication tool of the modern world. What isn’t disclosed is that it’s only true for those who recognize that reading emotions is not a built-in function. I believe every cell phone manual should come with the warning: not to be used to gauge human emotions.
It is an inanimate object, yet our cell phones have been upgraded to organ status. We can’t function without them. We use them the way we would our innards – with total unconscious reliance. I hear stories from friends about fights with spouses, lovers, parents and colleagues that transpired over SMS. I always shake my head and mumble that important issues need to be discussed face to face because it’s the only way to get the full picture. It’s the only way to get close to an accurate reading. It’s also the best way to throw a punch if needed. (Here is where you would put one of those emoticons.) But, there is a trend towards the opposite: important issues now take refuge behind the tiny cell phone screen because people don’t want to deal with the messiness of life the human way.
Enter the emoticon. The very word tells you what we are becoming. I always give people the benefit of the doubt when I sense rudeness or hostility in their messages because I know it’s probably me projecting, but if someone has reacted to my message wrongly and has invaded my screen with rude pronouncements that I know they would not have the balls to deliver to my face anyway, I lose it, too. And there’s no emoticon for that. That’s pure, unadulterated, infantile emotion. We’ve given the little cell phone that much power over us.
It is becoming more and more important to uphold our humanity in the midst of all the technology. We cannot let it lead us. We must consciously take the reins. This latest encounter was a lesson for me to breathe more, learn to create mammoth virtual boundaries and take my sweet time answering messages with full consciousness so that I don’t offend anyone in the name of efficiency. These gadgets are there to assist us. They are not designed to take over.
Both my children suffer from severe asthma and their impossibly frequent attacks have made such a dent in my own life forces of late that I have been asking myself how I might be contributing to their inability to breathe. I look at my cell phone and know it is a clue. We no longer have the same quality of soul space we had 10 or so years ago. Today, even if we are alone, we are not. That little gadget allows people into our most private spaces even when we should be truly alone, renewing our strength. If I’m not breathing well, my children aren’t either.
If we just make an effort to use our computers and cell phones with care and discretion, we would all be healthier – physically and emotionally. These one-dimensional screens are not windows to another’s soul. They are machines. We should never rely on them to judge emotions, not if we want to continue relating to each other with authentic respect. Computers and cell phones only go as far as emoticons, but even those can be faked. If we want to really communicate with someone, we need to learn to be in the same physical space and look at each other again. We have a better chance of truly understanding someone through their eyes, a subtle hardness or softness in one’s gaze, or the way they shift or hold still when certain words are exchanged. As human beings, we have that special ability to communicate on many levels. That little screen is at the very bottom of that spectrum.
The next time your blood boils because you think you have been slandered or abused via SMS or e-mail, take as many deep and relaxing breaths as you need and remind yourself you could be wrong. Unless you enjoy battling your own projections, keep your virtual speculations to yourself. Make an aspiring beauty queen happy and contribute to world peace. Don’t allow that little screen to ruin your relationships. There are some things that belong strictly to the human realm.