Things I’ve learned in 2007 (so far)
January 21, 2007 | 12:00am
I’m a very slow learner. I have to be shown a certain computer function, say, three or four times before I actually get it. News travels slowly through the old blood-brain barrier. This would explain my snail-like pace when it comes to learning Filipino (my light-speed goal now is one new word per month!) and accepting many things about the changing world.
But since this New Year has hit the ground running (running where, I do not know), I have already managed to scrape together some useful tidbits of information and pseudo-wisdom suggesting that, while my learning curve is not exactly shaping up, it is no longer completely flatlining, either. Here’s to learning.
1. Mirrors lie. All the time.
2. Cameras don’t.
3. To the best of my knowledge, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen is the only Christmas carol that specifically name-checks Satan.
4. Cedric the Entertainer isn’t.
5. If you post a video of a public hanging on YouTube, someone, somewhere, is going to "try this at home."
6. Each big boom heard on New Year’s Eve in Metro Manila probably costs as much in pesos as the average Filipino earns in one day.
7. There will never be a cheery, feel-good Hollywood movie about Africa.
8. Cartoon and action movie trailers are both shown at the same skull-splitting volumes at most local cinemas. Thanks, THX.
9. Filipinos are addicted to imported fads: this year’s Crocs are last year’s Havaianas; this year’s Krispy Kreme is last year’s Go Nuts Donuts.
10. "Eragon" and "Saphira" are not viable baby names for 2007.
11. "Brad" and "Angelina" probably are, though.
12. I recommend a new word for faulty thinking or information, such as you might find coming from the Internet or the Bush White House: "Untelligence."
13. The fact that "Leonardo" is the artist’s only recorded name and that "Da Vinci" simply refers to the place he’s from ("of Vinci") hasn’t stopped hundreds of millions of people from reading and enjoying Dan Brown’s book and referring to the guy as "Da Vinci."
14. If you text strings of gibberish to people (like "hyt mn lk wdk im lgh mynt 2 m"), you can derive enjoyment from imagining how much time they will waste trying to decipher its meaning.
15. If "everyday" officially bonds into a single word (when not used as an adjective) then I’ll know I’ve lost the battle to save English and can pack up my red pens forever.
16. Filipinos are the only people who cup their hands over their mouths while using toothpicks in restaurants, though this is an admirable trait and should be emulated worldwide.
17. If aliens were going to invade the Earth, all we’d have to do is show them an episode of Inside Edition and they’d go skittering away across the galaxy in horror, as though they’d encountered the Black Plague.
18. One good thing about tropical climates is, if you lack a moist towelette in a restaurant, you can moisten your hands from the condensation on the outside of a drinking glass. Try it.
19. If Arnold Schwarzenegger can successfully run California, I see no reason why Borat cannot run for US president in 2008.
20. The solar system isn’t the same without Pluto. I miss that cock-eyed little rock.
But since this New Year has hit the ground running (running where, I do not know), I have already managed to scrape together some useful tidbits of information and pseudo-wisdom suggesting that, while my learning curve is not exactly shaping up, it is no longer completely flatlining, either. Here’s to learning.
1. Mirrors lie. All the time.
2. Cameras don’t.
3. To the best of my knowledge, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen is the only Christmas carol that specifically name-checks Satan.
4. Cedric the Entertainer isn’t.
5. If you post a video of a public hanging on YouTube, someone, somewhere, is going to "try this at home."
6. Each big boom heard on New Year’s Eve in Metro Manila probably costs as much in pesos as the average Filipino earns in one day.
7. There will never be a cheery, feel-good Hollywood movie about Africa.
8. Cartoon and action movie trailers are both shown at the same skull-splitting volumes at most local cinemas. Thanks, THX.
9. Filipinos are addicted to imported fads: this year’s Crocs are last year’s Havaianas; this year’s Krispy Kreme is last year’s Go Nuts Donuts.
10. "Eragon" and "Saphira" are not viable baby names for 2007.
11. "Brad" and "Angelina" probably are, though.
12. I recommend a new word for faulty thinking or information, such as you might find coming from the Internet or the Bush White House: "Untelligence."
13. The fact that "Leonardo" is the artist’s only recorded name and that "Da Vinci" simply refers to the place he’s from ("of Vinci") hasn’t stopped hundreds of millions of people from reading and enjoying Dan Brown’s book and referring to the guy as "Da Vinci."
14. If you text strings of gibberish to people (like "hyt mn lk wdk im lgh mynt 2 m"), you can derive enjoyment from imagining how much time they will waste trying to decipher its meaning.
15. If "everyday" officially bonds into a single word (when not used as an adjective) then I’ll know I’ve lost the battle to save English and can pack up my red pens forever.
16. Filipinos are the only people who cup their hands over their mouths while using toothpicks in restaurants, though this is an admirable trait and should be emulated worldwide.
17. If aliens were going to invade the Earth, all we’d have to do is show them an episode of Inside Edition and they’d go skittering away across the galaxy in horror, as though they’d encountered the Black Plague.
18. One good thing about tropical climates is, if you lack a moist towelette in a restaurant, you can moisten your hands from the condensation on the outside of a drinking glass. Try it.
19. If Arnold Schwarzenegger can successfully run California, I see no reason why Borat cannot run for US president in 2008.
20. The solar system isn’t the same without Pluto. I miss that cock-eyed little rock.
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