Touchy freaky

This is supposed to be the age of insolence. A time when tender thoughts are as modern as manual typewriters and Liquid Paper. A time when we’re not allowed to cry at Disney movies and Kodak commercials. So why is it that suddenly everyone is starting to actlikewerethisclose to one another when it is the dernier cri to be apathetic?

Pick any random day and any fourth-tier acquaintance will get you acquainted with her menstrual cycle. I once sat next to a person whom I hardly knew and next thing I knew she was heatedly telling me in a one-sided conversation why she and her husband’s marriage was on the rocks (she was having an affair and the sex was bad, she said). It was one o’clock in the afternoon and not a libation in sight to save me from this pseudo Jennifer Aniston wreck. I tried to give comforting words and after she hugged me tightly and kissed me on both cheeks (she was not European) and weirdly pinched my belly, she then moved to the next table and started telling someone else the exact same story.

But it’s not only unwanted sob stories that bother me. Once a girl I hardly knew asked to see my bag in Embassy. I gave it to her for a peek and the next thing I knew she opened my bag and started gasping "Oh my God, I’ve been wanting a KRAZR!" and waving around my phone like a lunatic, then proceeded to use my lip gloss after which she said, "You don’t mind, right?" I knew I was smart for not bringing any cash as I’m a moocher to Tim in Embassy anyway. God knows what she would have done with that. Does this only happen to me? I’m half-hoping yes and half-hoping not. And who gets people we hardly know peeing in front of us while carrying on a conversation? I’m sure we’ve all had one of those.

Then there’s the unsolicited advice. A friend of a friend came up to me, giving me the headshake, and said: "You know, you look fat in that." I was wearing my gym outfit, so that was completely discouraging. I’m sure she meant well, as we all know we need to hear something like that after an hour of boxing and crunches. Then another pal, just off the bat, for no reason at all, started giving me relationship advice. If that wasn’t bad enough she also called me fat. "You’re getting swollen," she said. "I sure hope you’re getting your period, or else..." Pregnancy rumors quickly ensued and a tinola diet was again mandated.

Then there’s the backhanded compliment. I’ve gotten my share of "You make sense pala," "You’re nice pala," and my personal favorite, "I just realized now, seeing you in person, that you’re photogenic." All of which I usually respond to with my psychotic giggle and hope the vodka starts kicking in.

Then there is the grand dame of social nuances, the beso. I personally find events taxing with all the head bopping going on, followed by a breathy "Hihowareyougottagolaterbye" greeting. Some really make an effort to look sincere by grabbing your shoulders and looking you in the eye like they’re gonna voodoo you while asking in a voice like you’re tone deaf how you are. I just wish that one day someone would pass a law to make the beso illegal and make the wave a replacement. The wave is extremely underrated, that’s what Woody and Mia did when they lived in separate homes that faced each other. Well, I know what happened to them, but I can tell you that the wave can be more affectionate and sincere than the beso. I hope it catches on. I tried not to do the beso for a month, replacing it with an odd wink-and-wave combo, and suddenly people said I was a snob. So in order to appease people’s self-esteem everywhere I have surrendered to this horrid practice. Bop, bop, bop... it really makes me want to go home and knock my head on the wall. A particularly awkward beso was when I bumped into a friend in an elevator, I was out of it thinking of a deadline and she was also distracted by texting someone, and yet despite these distractions we managed to bump the sides of our heads together to "make beso."

So that’s my adventure in modern manners. Hope you’re having as much fun as I am.