Disorder in the court

One of the worse things that can happen to you is to have a court case. Luckily, the only time I had to appear in court was to stand as a witness in a church annulment petition on behalf of my friend. Even that was intimidating at first, but later on, we had a field day laughing our guts out.

My friend hired a clone of Inspector Clouseau (of the Pink Panther movie made immortal by the genius acting of Peter Sellers) as her legal counsel. What made it so hilarious was that instead of cross-examining the opposing party, he cross-examined me in a tone that could be misconstrued as a direct assault instead of a defense. The judge was so visibly crossed that she stopped the proceedings. She signaled to our lawyer to approach the bench and in a booming voice asked, "What the hell are you doing? You were hired to speak for your clients, not prosecute them… hello?"

Since we had prepared for the case, and the documents were all in order, my friend got her legal separation and church annulment. It was what we called a de kahon case, and therefore had no cause to worry or raise a fuss.

Outside the courts, I turned to my friend and said, "Where did you find this lawyer? Remind me to hire him if I want to lose a case."

No matter what, if you ever have the misfortune of appearing in court, choose your lawyers well, and don’t get anyone from hell.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of them around, so you have to do your homework and sieve through the list like a fine-tooth comb and pray you don’t clobber him before he stands tall to sum up your case.

Recently, a friend who is a frustrated defense lawyer, sent me the following funny incidents that happened in the august halls of the blindfolded lady holding the balanced scale of justice.

Was there a lapse in communication or were they serious about their questions and replies?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

* * *

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

* * *

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

* * *

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * *

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

* * *

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

* * *

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Anna.

* * *

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

* * *

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

* * *

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

* * *

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

* * *

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

* * *

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

* * *

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

* * *

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

* * *

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

* * *

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

* * *

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

* * *

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

* * *

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.