No aircon? I’m outta here…

Miriam, you lost me at air-conditioning.

I couldn’t help noticing last week that the Senate, in a rare burst of activity, decided to ratify two international treaties that would cut down on the amount of ozone-depleting substances (ODS) in the Philippines.

This is, in theory, a good idea. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago was an early endorser of Resolutions 438 and 439, which recommended that the Senate adopt the Montreal and Beijing Amendments to the Montreal Protocol on Substances that Deplete the Ozone Layer (or MBAMPSDOL, for those into acronyms).

Then I caught part of her speech.

"We may soon bid goodbye to hair sprays, air conditioners, refrigerators, solvents, cleaners, pesticides and other industrial products" that emit ODS, the esteemed senator said.

Whoa. Hold the phone. Air conditioners? Refrigerators?

Are you mad?

It turns out that I had misread; the treaties were meant simply to phase out products being sold here – including some brands of refrigerators and air conditioners – that still contain harmful chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs). Such products have been banned in the US and replaced with CFC-free versions.

Yes, it’s true. There are still harmful products sold in the Philippines. And there are plenty of questionable items sold that are not necessarily harmful; they just sound funny. Funny names are not necessarily illegal, though. This is the home, after all, of the Jingle Bag; then there’s a rodent adhesive strip called (I kid you not) Pest Off!; and a restaurant that proudly advertises itself as The Quick Stomach. Hey, the Philippines even sells Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific, a shampoo that was banned by the US Council of Tacky Brand Names back in 1973.

But back to refrigerators. At first I thought the Senate was simply planning to do away with refrigerators, air conditioners, hair spray and solvents inside Congress. I thought: fine. They can do without those things. Congress only holds session three times a week, so who cares how limp their hair gets?

But no, checking the fine print of the treaties in question, this banning of dangerous refrigerators and air conditioners would actually apply to the entire country.

I repeat: Are you mad?

Has anyone pointed out to the wise and learned senators that this is a tropical country? Refrigerators and air conditioners are, well, kind of useful.

Sure, you could take away the hair spray. Not a problem, Miriam.

Solvents and cleaners? Well, they’re good to have once in a while, but not a daily necessity.

But when you start pulling the plug on the aircon – well, maybe it really is time for me to check my passport and start packing my bags.

Before realizing that I had jumped the gun, that I had completely misunderstood the intent of the legislation, the notion of life without air- conditioning hit me. And it gave me chills.

I think it’s been pointed out that, without air conditioning, the American South would still be a stagnant swamp instead of the thriving economic zone that it is. The invention of air- conditioning ranks up there with the discovery of penicillin, as far as I’m concerned. At least that’s how it seems after living in a tropical country for 10 years.

Would the esteemed senators prefer that we all live in caves? Dwell in spider holes, where cans of beer would never have a chance of getting icy cold? Should we all live in the 12th century, where our al-Qaeda enemies, who have probably never enjoyed the benefits of refrigerators or air conditioners (or hair spray), would have us return?

I say no. I say look to the air conditioner – the device that has rarely given us much trouble in this world, nor hardly ever a sleepless night, except when the Freon runs out, or the air filter needs a good cleaning, or the thing is frozen solid inside and needs a good de-icing. I say: think twice before you threaten to take away our aircon.

And what about refrigerators? Why fear our friend, the ref? When I was a kid, the only danger that refrigerators presented was when they were abandoned. We were told repeatedly to stay away from old refrigerators, on the theory that one of us would climb inside, the door would slam shut, and we’d be sealed within and suffocate. (Parents never seemed to consider that kids were capable of pushing open the door of a refrigerator from the inside.) Other than this urban legend, refrigerators have never made me fearful.

Life was a lot simpler before they discovered holes in the ozone layer, I guess.

Let’s get real, though. We could all live without air-conditioning. We could rely on electric fans, or maybe start using those nifty Chinese handheld fans to cool us down. Yeah, sure. I’d like to see Congress make do with such quaint devices first. Then we’ll talk. Then maybe you can take away my air-conditioning. Sure. As soon as you can pry the remote control from my dead, icy-cold fingers.