My outbox

My cell phone is a Nokia 3310, and I will never change it… or him? Okay, him. He’s manageable, dependable, understandable, and he makes me feel secure. He’s also my companion when I’m alone. One afternoon when my officemates packed their bags to leave, I opened my outbox for precious messages I had saved during the year almost passed and recalled the circumstances surrounding them.

I read, "Thanks Ma’am, composure please." That came one afternoon while I was angry at the school caterer’s lack of cleanliness. My major texted it to me.

Undecided, about whether to invest on a ring, I sought my lawyer’s advice, "Will I be broke?" And his answer was, "Nope! You will be one ring richer!" I bought the ring.

My own pursuit in academics entails research, and having texted geographer John Guillard in France, he gave me the answers to dates of migration patterns in the Philippines. "2nd migration = 17000 years ago; 3rd = 9000; 4th = 6-5000: 5th = 3900-2300; 6th = 800-500; 7th = 1991. 35000 years ago."

Message number four was a complement: "You’re so lovely Ma’am." Who wouldn’t melt at that remark? Answer me truthfully.

On Mother’s Day, Lulu’s greeting was, "I don’t know how many can truthfully say they have Tingting as a foster mother. I know I can. Thank you for the honor." Yes, I am that.

From Rosemarie, my Philippine Public Safety College girl Friday came this while I was in America, how to call Manila on my cell phone. You might want to keep this information, too. "TO CALL, dial *131* + country code + area code + called party’s number + #. TO RELOAD, dial *123* + call card no. + PIN + #. To CHECK BALANCE *122*."

And who wouldn’t be nervous about a daughter’s wedding in Italy? Nevertheless, Lyn Ilusorio Bildner asked me from America via a text, "Are you there? Are you nervous? We arrive Friday 2p.m., staying in an apartment in Palazzo Antellessi in Plaza Sta. Croce. Tel No. 055-234-0617 or 244-456."

Trying to squeeze in sometime to meet China for lunch, I called her to wait for me in a restaurant. Of course, I arrived late. The tardiness turned into a funny incident when China texted me, "Ten years later," while waiting.

I’ve also kept a joke I’ve gotten from Col. Jun Manalastas of the Philippine Military Academy: "He offered her a scotch and a soda she declined. He offered her a scotch and sofa she reclined."

And more from Honey Ilusorio:

•Did you know that the human biran can raed words no matter what order the lteters are in as lnog as the first and lsat lteters are croerct?

•A president walked into a high-class brothel and asked a hot babe what it’s going to cost him for a good time. The hooker replied •Mr. Prez, if you can raise my skirt as high as the taxes, lower my panties as low as the wages, get your dick as hard as the times, keep it up for as long as I wait at the unemployment office, keep me warmer than my apartment is in winter and screw me like you do the public, then believe me Mr. Prez, this fuck’s on me."

•When feminists objected to his blessing for Tuti Homini (all men & women), then gays complained they had been excluded, so the Pope said, "Ok, TUTI HOMINI, TUTI FEMINI ET TUTI FRUTI!"

•This is the story of someone who took a medical entrance test. Given below is a portion of the test answers he gave. Read on: antibody — against everyone; bacteria — back door to a cafeteria; benign — what you be after you be eight; bowel — letter like a, e, i, o, u; Caesarian section — a district in Rome; cardiology — advanced study of poker playing; CAT scan — searching for a lost cat.

•My grandfather believes LOVE is a sickness. People stricken with it always end up in bed!

•Large Lady: I AM ANNOYED WITH THAT WEIGHING MACHINE. Friend: WHY IS THAT? Large Lady: AS I STEPPED ON IT, IT SAID, "ONE PERSON AT A TIME PLEASE."

•One day Love and Friendship met. Love asked, "Why do you exist if I already exist?" Friendship replied, "To put a smile where you leave tears."

•Have you ever noticed women problems usually involve MEN: MENstrual pain; GUYnecologist; HISteretomy; MENopause; HISteria; MENtal illness?

•Here’s a divorce case on child custody. Wife argues: He came out of my womb, so I should take the custody. Husband: Judge, if I drop a coin into a vending machine, coke comes out, who gets it, me or machine? Husband won.

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If you save messages and you find yourself alone one day, go to your outbox.