The truth is way out there

When, exactly, did I stop believing in UFOs?

This is one of those questions that can really date you, like when you stopped believing in Santa Claus or Michael Jackson’s career.

For me, it was after reading a Popular Mechanics article (dated 2000) that documented how American and Russian scientists right after World War II began working on a top-secret technology to build "flying saucers" capable of dropping bomb payloads from space. Sounds like science fiction? No, just popular mechanics.

How would the US and Russian scientists be able to do this? By using an amazing new rocket technology dreamed up by — who else? — the Germans during the Second World War. Called the Lenticular Reentry Vehicle (LRV) by American scientists (who, along with the victorious Russians, stole the technology from the vanquished Nazis at the end of the war), the circular airships were designed to take off vertically — like helicopters, not regular aircraft — and zip around at incredible speeds and angles.

To quote the "seminal" (always wanted to use that word) Popular Mechanics article:

In the summer of 1945, an unusual rumor had begun to circulate within the intelligence division of the European Command. During interrogations, captured German aircraft engineers referred to an extraordinarily fast rocket plane under development at a secret base in Bavaria. Unlike the Messerschmitt Me 163 rocket planes that had begun to attack Allied bombers in the last months of the war, this aircraft had an odd-looking curved wing that blended into its fuselage. The aerodynamic advantage of this configuration had been known to American designers for more than a decade. It created more lift than a standard wing, especially at low speeds, and provided more internal capacity for carrying bombs.

The theory, which is backed up by declassified US Defense Department files released in 1999, is that the US and Russia then entered into a top-secret "flying saucer" arms race that was kept from the public by spinning a cover story about little green men, alien autopsies and UFOs.

Get the picture? This means there are no aliens, no flying saucers, and no Paris Hilton sex tapes, either. The government just created the whole UFO "scare" to cover up their secret military shenanigans. So all those people in Roswell, New Mexico, back in 1947 didn’t see alien ships, but did possibly catch a glimpse of the US military’s prototype LRVs, zipping around in the desert.

Again, I refer to Popular Mechanics:

By 1960, the first saucers were flying. Declassified footage shows the two-man "flying jeep" saucer on test flights. The military denied further development, but flying machines matching the description and performance of these supersonic craft were recorded throughout the United States.

The theory is also detailed in a recent Discovery Channel documentary, convincingly titled Real Flying Saucers (which shows actual film footage of the US-built UFOs). The theory continues that the secret technology developed by the Pentagon was later used to build today’s Stealth fighter jets.

Okay. So far, so good. But then you read the papers and see how much trouble the US government had getting the Space Shuttle Discovery off the ground, and you begin to wonder. Can a world power that can’t tackle problems of foam and loose fibers on the ground seriously be expected to launch military flying saucers? Are we really expected to believe that the US government has such awesome technical prowess and powers of persuasion that it can make the world believe in UFOs and aliens, but at the same time is incapable of keeping more than a couple American airlines flying?

I feel sorry for NASA scientists these days. First it was loose insulation foam. Apparently, the contractor they hired to install the foam had been fired from This Old House for drinking on the worksite, or else didn’t know how to use a staple gun properly, because the foam surrounding the fuel tanks was just everywhere. It started breaking off the tanks in big chunks two minutes into flight, and everyone immediately said a silent prayer of thanks when the Discovery continued to ascend without incident.

But come on, now. Foam?

Next came the loose threads. Now that the crew is up there in space, the astronauts have been asked to do some emergency snipping and tugging to get rid of some loose ceramic-fiber threads on the shuttle’s belly that, ideally, should have been taken care of before going into orbit. (This is akin to requesting passengers on a commercial flight to flap their arms really fast because one of the engines has just died.)

Come on, guys. Loose threads?

All this, mind you, while avoiding any contact with the wafer-thin heat tiles that make up the shuttle’s heat shield, tiles that are supposed to ensure the shuttle doesn’t burn up on reentry. These tiles are apparently more delicate than French pastry. Also, there’s the matter of a loose thermal blanket, which — let’s face it — should have been stowed safely in the overhead baggage compartment before takeoff. And this is the government that was supposedly zipping around flying saucers in the New Mexico deserts 50 years ago.

So, with all this sloppy work by NASA, it’s a bit of a stretch to believe wholeheartedly in the "government cover-up" theory, just as I have a hard time believing the strangely consistent accounts of trailer park denizens who swear they were subjected to alien anal probes. Neither scenario seems all that credible to me.

After all, this is the same government that sent into space a huge telescope that cost billions of dollars and could explore the edges of the universe — yet neglected to polish the lens first. This is a government that has had astronomers combing the outer reaches of the solar system for over a century — but somehow completely missed the existence of a 10th planet until last week.

So excuse me for being skeptical. While I do have a hard time believing there is a "superior intelligence" monitoring and visiting our planet on a regular basis, I have an even harder time believing in a "superior intelligence" operating in Washington.