Why did the chicken cross the road?
July 17, 2005 | 12:00am
Cutting up fowl to predict the future is, if done honestly and with as little interpretation as possible, a kind of randomization. But chicken guts are hard to read and invite flights of fancy or corruption.
– Ian Hacking
President GMA: Hello, Garci. Alamin mo nga kung bakit tumawid ang chicken.
Former Comelec commissioner Virgilio Garcillano: Sige po ma’am, gagawan natin ng paraan. Ipapakidnap ko ang mga sisiw to get to the bottom of this, ma’am. No problem.
Susan Roces: Let us remain calm. Let us follow the rule of law in determining the chicken’s motive for crossing the road, but let us never be fooled by what it did and let us demand that the chicken be punished for its crime for the sake of truth and justice!
Former President Cory Aquino: That chicken crossing the road was jaywalking, therefore it has lost its moral bearings. I call upon the people to pray for guidance on this problem as we demand that the chicken repent.
Former President Joseph Estrada: Ako na naman? Pati ba naman pagtawid ng manok, sa akin isisisi? Why, what’s the problem with a chicken crossing the road, did the chicken bumper a car? Ako, what I want are chicks, not mga chicken chicken na yan!
Former President Fidel V. Ramos: The root cause of the chicken’s crossing the road is simple – we need charter change, so there will be no future confusion on whether the road is OK to cross or not, so we minimize all these political problems once and for all!
Press secretary Ignacio Bunye: That chicken which allegedly crossed the road is a fake. We have the real chicken in our coop! That was disinformation and a blatant lie!
Senator Ping Lacson: I have asked a foreign group to authenticate the taxonomic classification and exact specie of that animal which we all know had crossed the road. No doubt, it was indeed a chicken and I will prove it beyond any doubt in due time.
Justice Secretary Gonzales: All those who malign the good name of the innocent chicken will be sued for libel by state prosecutors, so all of you just shut up and keep quiet!
Vice President Noli de Castro: Magandang gabi, Bayan! Wala po akong alam diyan sa chicken controversy na yan, OK lang naman sa akin kung tinola or fried chicken.
Senator Manny Villar: If the chicken committed a crime, then it couldn’t be a full-pledged Nacionalista Party member! No way!
Senate President Franklin Drilon: Our Liberal Party position is that the chicken indeed crossed the road, and we shall initiate impeachment!
Speaker Joe de Venecia: There is no problem even if the chicken crossed the road or not; politics is addition, let us bring it into our Rainbow Coalition. We warmly welcome the chicken with open arms, because we don’t discriminate! We welcome sharks, vultures, even monkeys, gorillas and buffoons. We should be united although we are different in pedigrees, ideologies and species! Magkaisa na lang tayo!
Former Vice President Teofisto Guingona: That chicken is guilty, so I resign as the new Philippine Ambassador to China even before I even start my tenure in Beijing. I do this in righteous indignation and to protest!
Governor Chavit Singson: It is not true that I own the chicken that allegedly crossed the road. It is also not true that it was hurrying to cross the road, because I own it and was bringing it to a cockfight! Mga anak ng jueteng, if you don’t stop, I will just shoot it!
Former Sen. Kit Tatad: I did my own authentication. The chicken is real.
El Shaddai leader Brother Mike Velarde: Tiyak ‘yon!
Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines: Let the chicken itself decide to reveal its true identity, search its conscience for future actions on its allegedly crossing the road.
Brother Eddie Villanueva: I have prayed and Divine Providence says it is an immoral chicken that will someday fry in hell! We need a new righteous and principled chicken!
Former Senator Raul Roco: My legal opinion is that creature can only be classified as an authentic walking chicken, and we are preparing the arguments to pin down its illegal act of crossing the road was inimical to traffic safety and pedestrians’ welfare.
NBI director Reynaldo Wycoco: Both chickens are fake, our NBI laboratory has already come up with our foolproof studies on these two fake chickens.
Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago: How can you argue with me and my intellectual assessment that both those feathery creatures allegedly gallivanting on the road are merely to be called fowls for now, because we have yet to place them under scientific scrutiny whether we can label them chickens or not! Do you understand?
Archbishop Oscar Cruz: I have witnesses to prove that the chicken crossed the road.
Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism blog: We have the complete audio and video of the chicken crossing the road. Download here.
CNN: A chicken crisis has hit the Philippines over the weekend, with allegations and counter-allegations about a mysterious chicken and its alleged scandalous wrongdoing of crossing the road. Protest rallies are being planned to denounce the chicken.
ABS-CBN News: Nagbabagang balita! The chicken has been accused of crossing the road, hintayin natin ang exclusive interviews ng mga witnesses to the crime!
GMA 7 News: Wala tayong kinikilingan or pinoprotektahan, we have an exciting live report from a Bulacan poultry farm where that chicken is an alleged escapee, this is another exclusive report by 24 Oras! Iinterbyuhin natin ang ibang mga chickens na kasama niya noon sa kulungan.
Tabloid news: Misteryosong manok, akusado sa krimen sa daan!
Former Agriculture Secretary Arthur Yap: Our department has a pending investigation as to how that chicken escaped and from what poultry farm it came, but rest assured that its alleged escape or crossing that road will not affect the production or supply of eggs nationwide and prices will remain stable.
Health Secretary Francisco Duque: It’s not true the rumors that the alleged chicken crossed the road because it was sick with the bird flu, so it will not endanger public health. Let us continue to eat Philippine chickens!
Atty. Allan Paguia: I admit! I spliced the chicken but only for my post-graduate class. I didn’t fry it. In fact it’s still alive.
Congressman Chiz Escudero: Once and for all, I am challenging the chicken. The public is waiting for its answer. Did it cross the road or not? If yes, why? If no, I still won’t believe it.
Joey Concepcion of RFM Group: The poultry division manager of RFM Group is prepared to certify that it is not a real chicken, that it must have been a strange specie of smuggled fowl. I don’t believe it crossed the road.
Makati Business Club spokesman Bill Luz: It is our position that the chicken crossed the road, that it was not right, and that it might be high time to have a chicken meal!
Aboitiz family and other businessmen: We are bonafide members of the Makati Business Club, but we were never consulted on the question of the chicken. We do not agree that the chicken should be accused of crossing the road, and we don’t want a chicken meal!
Congresswoman Imee Marcos: We all know the truth, it is a chicken and it definitely crossed the road, why all these useless and pointless debates? The chicken is guilty!
Atty. Samuel Ong: The chicken crossed the road, that’s the truth, because it was looking for its mother. But the chicken won’t find it because I am keeping the mother of all chickens.
Sgt. Vidal Doble: The chicken was just forced to cross the road.
Sen. Aquilino Pimentel: Impeach the chicken!
Davao City Mayor Duterte: If you impeach or threaten the chicken, then Davao City will declare our independence and we shall just adopt that chicken as our honorary citizen!
Manila Mayor Lito Atienza: How dare you impeach the chicken, when you have not proven beyond reasonable doubt that it had actually crossed the road and that crossing it was at that time a crime. I support the chicken all the way!
Metro Manila Development Authority Chairman Bayani Fernando: The problem with all these controversies is that pedestrians do not follow the rules on jaywalking and vehicles do not obey traffic rules, but you all keep complaining about a chicken whose capacity to commit an illegal or immoral act is not even certain?
DILG Secretary General Angelo Reyes: The alleged chicken has not threatened peace and order, although it is accused of having crossed the road, but who are we to pre-judge the case? I wholeheartedly support the chicken and its right to defend itself from unfounded accusations and unfair attacks. Let us stop trial by publicity!
Bayan Muna Congressman Teddy Casiño: The chicken betrayed the motorists’ trust when it crossed the road. The chicken is anti-people, anti-motorists, it is even a stooge of American imperialists! Fry it!
Communist Party of the Philippines: Ibagsak ang mapang-aping Manok na iyan! Iprito natin ang masamang Manok, na kasabwat ng mga Amerikano sa sobrang pagkalat ng mga Kenny Rogers, KFC, Popeye’s Chicken at iba pang mga multinationals!
Sandra Cam: The chicken has laid dozens of chicken eggs across the road. I was personally asked by the chicken – who happens to be my close friend – to deliver the eggs to Congressmen Mikey and Iggy Arroyo. But please, do not insinuate that I have a special relationship with the chicken.
Assumption College & some Civil Society groups: Establish a Truth Commission to ascertain whether its identity is really a chicken. What were its moral and legal flaws in allegedly crossing that road?
AFP Chief of Staff General Efren Abu: The military is neutral on the question of whether it is a real or a fake chicken, whether it crossed the road or not.
PNP Chief of Staff General Lomibao: It is not our business to know whether it is a chicken or not, but did it really commit jaywalking or maybe it was only wrongly accused?
US Embassy: If it is a duly constituted Filipino chicken, then we have no choice but to recognize its legitimacy and wish that all these controversies on its alleged inappropriate crossing of the road will be settled among Filipinos themselves according to democratic means.
China Embassy: We wish to categorically state that the alleged chicken is not an illegal alien fowl, neither is it a smuggled chicken from our nation. We want to remind all to uphold our state policy of the One China Chicken only, that there is also no such thing as a Taiwanese Chicken because the so-called Taiwanese Chicken is only a sub-specie of the One China Chicken specie!
Philippine Airlines Chairman Lucio Tan: That chicken is a mystery to me. I will consult the Confucian classics to find the answer to its business potentials.
San Miguel Corp. Chairman Danding Cojuangco: Is the alleged chicken for sale? How much?
Taipan John Gokongwei Jr.: How many kilos is that alleged chicken? Can I just buy the chicken at a discount, pay it on terms and I will just export it, OK?
Aga Muhlach: As long as it’s not a delicious Jollibee Chickenjoy, I’m not interested in what happened to that chicken whether it crossed the road or not.
Dr. Vicki Belo: How are your legs after crossing that road? I see that your chicken legs are growing fat, come to my clinic for a free liposuction, but can I sign you up as our celebrity endorser and you just have to announce that your legs were improved here!
Mother Lily Monteverde: Come, my cute little chicken, you have the looks and good walking habits. I don’t care if you really crossed the road or not, can I sign you up for a five-year exclusive contract as my new Regal baby for year 2005? I already have a working title for your launching movie – Ang Manok at Mga Basang Sisiw!
Kris Aquino: Sige na, game ka na ba, mag-confess ka na, chicken – did you or didn’t you cross that road? Did you do it because of your stormy love life? Ako rin, I crossed many roads na before in my life, it was fun, but napakasakit to admit it, di ba?
BrandSpace Articles
<
>