Why I nearly quit writing

My friend Jay visits me one hot and gloomy day when I’m down and didn’t quite make my deadline. I haven’t written anything of substance for weeks, not even for myself. "I’m dry as Sahara," I wrote in my journal.

After pouring my thoughts to him about certain disappointing events, he says, "I didn’t know you were so fragile."

It doesn’t take much to discourage me or make me quit whatever.

I was a Fine Arts student at UP when I had a chance to visit the Louvre one summer. After seeing all that art by the masters, I stopped painting. I decided I could never be that good and shifted to journalism.

I used to love dancing during the New Wave ’80s, while studying in New York in the ’90s, and then back in Manila during the Groove Nation days.

Then my Dutch boyfriend’s friend visited from Amsterdam. He looked like Dave Gahan of Depeche Mode, with his fire engine-red hair, piercings, and tattoos. We took him to Mars and he wiped out the dance floor. He made everyone look rusty. I swear, everyone just stood there in awe. I haven’t danced since.

I had been writing a newspaper column for a few years when a new writer joined Today, the paper I was with. After reading her columns and her numerous fan mail, I realized I could never write like her. So I quit for a few years.

And that is the real reason I stopped. It was Jessica Zafra. (I lied about it for years.)

I figured the best way to stop obsessing about her was to befriend her. Now, once in a blue moon over the last 10 years, I get to hang out with Jessica to eat out or catch a movie using her MTRCB movie pass. We watch horror-comedies like Madrasta and Feng Shui. I would bump into her at Jeffrey Jeturian movie premieres or at Bench underwear shows.

Jessica no longer writes her column, which ran for almost nine years.

"Eight if you factor in my one-year sabbatical to start a magazine (called Flip). That’s longer than most marriages," she says. "I stopped because I realized my whole life was about the column. I couldn’t do anything or see anything without thinking of how I was going to deal with it in a column.

"While the actual writing took an hour, getting the material took a long time. In the end I realized that writing a column was an excuse to put off everything else. It was a way of postponing my life, postponing my novel."

Jessica now has time to work on that novel and occasionally writes for Newsweek and Hong Kong Standard. The last of her Twisted book series, called Tw7sted, is out in bookstores. On May 4 she will appear at a book signing at Fully Booked at the Power Plant.

I recently caught up with her for a short Q&A.

Does it annoy you when people keep asking: "When are you finishing your novel?"

I think people ask "when" because they feel cons-trained to ask you something, so they can demonstrate that they’re interested. "When" is the first question that occurs to them. They could ask other things like, "Will it be in the third person? Is it autobiographical?" But no.

How many books have you written?

Twelve books. After they’ve been published I try not to look at them ever again. Tw7sted is the last Twisted book ever because I don’t write my column anymore.

Will you write your column again?

Not in the immediate future.

Why do you think your column clicked with a certain readership?

Because in the Philippines everybody feels like they have to be nice. I feel that if I don’t say exactly what I think, I’ll get sick. I think people wanted to read something where what you thought and what you said matched. Today allowed me to do that. I was very lucky in that that was the atmosphere in Today.

Did you ever miss a deadline?

A few. In 10 years, let’s say 20 times. Although I did take a few breaks, I took some months off doing Flip.

Why did Flip die?

I think the investors never really expected it to be a financial bonanza. We were right in that there was a market in this but just not big enough to sustain an expensive business because publishing is like the black hole of money. It takes people a while to catch on, and by the time they catch on, you may no longer have the funds to keep it going because printing is expensive. I suppose we could have cut costs, but we were called "The Official Guide to World Domination" so we really couldn’t look cheap.

What are some myths about you?

That I always wear black. Actually, I like green. I wear red a lot.

What’s your favorite food?

I eat anything except vegetables. Occasionally I have these fits na I should eat healthy, then I’ll have a salad.

Who is your crush?

Right now? Marat Safin, a Russian tennis player who recently won the Australian Open. I was so glad he won because he hadn’t won a major since the 2000 US Open and I was beginning to feel like a loser. I also like Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show.

What do you spend your money on?

Books, cat food, CDs. Travel. People here assume that because you’re a journalist and you travel, you have a sponsor. Excuse me, I only blow my own money on airfare and cheap hotels. I’ve become sort of an expert on cheap, funky hotels. I like cold. I like lots of countries if they’re cold.

I like notebooks. A really nice notebook is my one luxury, as in nice paper with a high rag content. Meaning, the paper is thicker so the ink is absorbed. It must be unruled, with leather bindings. The best notebooks are made in Florence. The cost is like blinding sums of money because of the conversion. But it’s not expensive to them, it’s expensive to us.

Do you buy magazines?

No, I go to the Net. It’s cheaper.

How much time do you spend online?

I spend like two hours a day, answering e-mail. I’ve never chatted because I like to see the person I’m speaking to, but I’m also not a phone person. I do go to defamer.com for scurrilous Hollywood gossip and Ted Casablanca on eonline.com.

Do you Google yourself?

Googling is compelling but strangely horrible. I do it a couple of times a year out of sheer boredom. I just did it yesterday. But if you have low self-esteem, don’t do it. Because if they love you, it’s a bit creepy, and if they hate you, it’s irritating.

When people say how much they hate you, it’s strangely enjoyable because they’ve expended so much energy in saying they hated you and you don’t know they exist.

Are you on Friendster?

No, but my sister found three people on Friendster who were claiming to be me and they posted my picture. She notified Friendster and asked them to take it down. One of the impostors was 19 years old.

Do you have a blog?

I don’t have a blog. I like to put the good stuff in my novel.

What are you reading now?

Fascination–short stories by William Boyd. Out of Sheer Rage by Geoff Dyer, about how he was planning to write a study of D.H. Lawrence but never got around to it. It’s hilarious. And Cooking with Fernet Branca, a novel by James Hamilton Paterson.

What is your best advice for would-be writers?

Keep a journal. Read a lot. You can’t write and not read. I have a great quote from Teddy Boy Locsin: "We must read because in the end we are essentially alone."

What happens when you don’t like a book?

Then I put it down.