The sound of silence & healing

One of the most difficult life sitations a retired OFW has to confront is reconnecting with his family after a long absence. I found myself in this very predicament when I finally came home in November 2000 after working for 17 years in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait.

My long years of absence took its toll and practically disconnected me from my family. It was difficult to plunge in and become a husband and father after many years of separation. The conditioning I went through from my own family of origin was not exactly helpful either. My daughter was only six years old and my son was four when I went to work abroad in 1981 in order to provide them with a good education. Obviously, because of this I was not able to be a hands-on father or bond with my children during their formative years.

I myself had a cantankerous father who raised hell about anything or anyone who went against his will. I could not fault him for such a behavior – we were 12 children in the family and providing the basic necessities for such a big brood was a difficult task in itself. The saying "so near yet so far," was a very apt description for my relationship with my father.

I only realized the effect of my absence upon my return when I experienced a very difficult adjustment period with my family, especially with my children. By this time, my daughter and son had already passed their board examinations, as a dentist and an electronics engineer respectively. We would engage in countless disagreements and would end up exasperated and resentful after such encounters. I was very defensive and felt that I had to occupy my place as the head of the family, thus demanding respect on my own terms. My children had their own minds and they asserted their ideas, sometimes in direct contravention with my advice. I found myself feeling hurt, and I knew that they felt equally frustrated for not connecting with me. The wounds of the past were rekindled every time I felt I was not getting through them. Sometimes, my wife would join the fray and so it was bedlam every time we discussed an issue.

With the luxury of time in my hands, I searched for ways to make things better. I surfed the Internet for meaningful articles that would help resolve our issues, prayed in my heart, and realized that all I wanted was to belong to my family. By stroke of grace, I came across an article about a 10-day Vipassana Meditation course. In the article, Vipassana was defined as introspection, insight that totally purifies the mind, specifically insight into the nature of mind and body. A purified mind is a mind that is liberated and free of suffering. Hungry for reflection, I joined the course which was held in October last year at Sico Farm in Dasmariñas, Cavite.

During the course, we were taught a meditation technique of observing the reality within oneself. One of the strict requirement was to observe "noble silence" for 10 days. Noble silence meant not only silence in speech but also silence of the mind. We were not allowed to read nor write, and we could not have any form of communication with other participants, we were just left with our bare selves to deal with. This was difficult in the beginning because my mind has always been so busy and incessantly full of chatter that becomes even louder in silence. Silence was the key to learning the technique in the course of 10 days. The technique taught to us was very simple and precise; slowly, I was learning how to be present in the moment, taming my mind to become more focused, clear and purified. To my surprise, I was able to sit in complete stillness and silence and began to know myself in a very deep way. The adage "silence is golden" cannot adequately describe the healing effect silence brought into my life.

This meditation practice had a profound effect on my whole being. I was able to recover and resolve the resentments and hang-ups accumulated from my own upbringing. I was able to develop the bonding and camaraderie that I longed for in my present family. Henceforth, I learned how to be more sensitive, to listen and really be attentive to my wife and children during our family meetings and discussions. The transformation took place even without forcing myself to be that image of what I thought a father should be. In fact, with all those inner changes, I found joy in my newfound role as a grandfather to my first grandchild.

I could honestly say that attending the 10-day course in Vipassana Meditation was the best thing that ever happened to me in all of my 61 years. Now it has become part of my life and I practice meditation at least an hour every day. I meditate with a group weekly to help strengthen and support each other, and every month we observe a full day of silence to cleanse our hearts and minds and send out loving kindness to others.

All told, "noble silence" has become instrumental to my healing and I have embraced it to guide my path. My coarse heart is patiently transforming into a heart like water – one that’s open and flows without reacting. With more patience and purification, I know it would be further transformed into a heart of light – one that radiates love at every moment, a healing heart that disables feelings of hate and negativity. Anyone who encounters a person with a heart of light immediately feels love no matter what the circumstance may be.

My Vipassana experience brought about the most profound miracle that I would cherish for the rest of my life: I was able to mend my tattered relationship with my family. I discovered the capacity within myself to rebuild the bridges that were destroyed during my 17 years of absence. As I continue growing, I am beginning to appreciate what coming home truly means.

* * *

The 6th Vipassana 10-day meditation retreat will be held on October 19 to 31 at the DSLU Systems, Charles Huang Conference Center, Batulao, Batangas. For inquiries, call Art Pambid at 643-4164 or e-mail vipassanarp@yahoo.com or log on to www.dhamma.org. Interested parties may download application forms from the website and send them to modjini@yahoo.com or fax to 632-2361.