Insert your euphemism here!

Filipino English, it has been noted, is fiercely resistant to colonization by Americans or British. Here, the lingua franca takes what it needs and does away with the rest. In conversation, Taglish will lightly cushion an Americanism between a couple of Tagalog words, generally treating English as an ad hoc, deconstructive affair.

But sometimes English euphemisms crop up in daily discourse, presumably to cushion the impact of language. Often, though, the English equivalent sounds even more garish and lurid.

Who can forget their first glance at a local newspaper headline, usually containing a bold announcement such as this: "SLAY BRAINS ARRESTED." After a few puzzled moments, the novice reader may come to discern that "brains" refers to the "mastermind" behind a killing. And since the word is shorter and punchier than "mastermind," it allows for a bigger headline.

"CHOP-CHOP KILLINGS" are also peculiar to Filipino newspapers, I think. Other Asian newspapers may have local terms for a murder involving dismembered body parts, but only the Philippines has such pithy catchphrases for gory crimes. A "chop-chop" usually involves a body separated by a bolo or some other handy detacher of flesh and limb. There’s an undertone of mirth to the term, conjuring up a frenzied short-order cook in a Chinese restaurant, perhaps. And, as a euphemism, "chop-chop" at least avoids graphically mentioning body parts.

In areas of sexuality, however, there’s a double-standard at play. Some terms suggest a delicacy or squeamishness to Filipino English. The term "tomboy," for instance, is often used to describe a lesbian (I’ve also heard the term "G.I. Jane"). In the US, a tomboy simply refers to a young girl who wears her hair short, prefers overalls to dresses and plays with Tonka trucks instead of Barbie. It doesn’t denote or predict future sexual preference. Instead, much harsher terms than "tomboy" – "dyke," for instance – are freely tossed about.

On the other hand, the movie industry has plenty of descriptive phrases for sex in film, and even distributes carefully-worded guidelines for the number of scenes that may safely escape a censor’s scissors. For instance, directors are allowed a "maximum of two breast exposures," but these can only be side shots, not full frontal. Similarly "one to two rape sequences" may be depicted, but no more than one "pumping scene." "Pumping" refers to the obvious, and clearly the crafters of these guidelines failed to locate a softer euphemism for sexual intercourse (by Bill Clinton’s definition of the term, that is). So "pumping" it is, though "penetration" also appears on occasion.

"Devirginized" is a rather clinical term used here to describe the loss of someone’s sexual innocence (speaking of euphemisms). It seems to have been clumsily hammered together by appending the suffix "ized" to "virgin," thus miraculously turning that noun into a verb. Then it was simply a matter of removing this pristine state by adding the prefix "de." Filipino wordsmiths are nothing if not crafty.

On the other hand, a woman who disrobes on camera or is willing to engage in enough simulated pumping or penetration is given the title of "boldstar," something that sounds almost like a comic book superheroine. Again, this is a rather coy euphemism for what in US parlance would simply be referred to as a "bimbo."

There are loads of other euphemisms, some of them cute, others just mystifying. I’m not sure how the term "attorney" came to be applied to the (usually gay) dancing partners of older women. It is said the term refers to the attaché cases that DIs regularly tote along to their gigs, containing several crisp, clean white shirts. Then there’s the term "bachelor," which refers to an unmarried male, or, with one eyebrow raised, to a married man whose wife is out of town. That out-of-town spouse is usually referred to (behind her back, of course) as the "commander-in-chief."

Dancing turns up a lot in euphemisms, I’ve noticed. In the political realm, there is the ever-circling "Cha-Cha," which refers not to a spicy and bouncy dancestep, but to opening up and tinkering with the nation’s constitution. Here, the euphemism would appear to make light of serious business.

Other professions have dance-related euphemisms. A male prostitute is called a "macho dancer," a term that would seem laden with irony if it wasn’t so commonly accepted. My Dictionary of Philippine English (by Isagani Cruz and Lourdes Bautista) also defines "cultural dancer" as a female prostitute, a distinction that will no doubt alarm the Department of Tourism. And please note that here, "massage parlor" is a not-so-secret code for a den of prostitution. So take your troubled back elsewhere.

The sex industry itself has spawned a number of choice terms, all of them descriptive if not entirely lucid. "Fighting fish" refers to the action in a hardcore porn film. (Why fish? It could be any two living creatures engaged in a tussle. But I guess it’s less forbidding than Shakespeare’s "beast with two backs.") A "private show" is a sexual act performed – sometimes, but not always, by a boldstar – before a paying crowd. When it is established that a certain starlet is willing to engage in a private show, it is whispered among males that "she has a price."

"Chansing" is another of those terms you pick up quickly during your stay in the Philippines. It is usually witnessed at social events where the older host (see "Dirty Old Man") insists on pressing the flesh of his female guests a little too often and too insistently. It refers to groping or sexually harassing the subject with furtive little movements. Stroking the wrist during a handshake, for instance. "Chansing" perhaps derives from the distant, outside "chance" that the person being groped will not howl in protest.

Speaking of sexual harassment, there are lots of sporty male terms to describe the practice, which is not surprising in a place where most males focus on the "sexual" aspect, failing to notice what is "harassing" about it. "Dry run" is one such term, conjuring up a practice session or training for an athletic event. "Test drive" is another one, marrying the passionate male interest in Formula One racing with the habit of hitting on every female in sight.

Obviously, most of these terms have been coined by men, spread by men, validated by men. This is understandable, since the practice of "euphemizing" is meant to disguise and encode certain objectionable phrases or words. It’s also meant, perhaps, to keep certain things secret. It’s therefore not so strange that women haven’t had more of a hand in crafting Filipino euphemisms, although they would appear to be more in touch with delicacy and decorum. It appears that he who holds the euphemism holds the power.

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