It was the unexpected start to a most intriguing exclusive interview, excerpts of which follow:
Man Claiming To Be Saddam Hussein: Is this the office of Dan Rather of CBS News?
Philippine Star: Sorry, this is the home of Wilson Lee Flores, a columnist of the Philippine Star. Who is this? Is this a belated April Fool’s Day prank? Dan Rather is in America, on the other side of the globe.
MCTBSH: (An explosion of curses in a foreign language preceded by what seemed like three gunshots and shouts of what sounded like a dying person) I am Saddam Hussein, president of the Republic of Iraq, eternal nemesis of the Zionists, liberator of Kuwait, lord of the troublesome Kurdish minority, champion of the Third World, and the nightmare of that evil junior Bush!
If you really are President Saddam Hussein, may I request for an interview?
(Another explosion of curses in a foreign language) Are you an agent of the Central Intelligence Agency or the Mossad? How did my people mistakenly dial your telephone number? Are you spying on me?
Your Excellency, I am not a CIA or Mossad agent. Maybe my telephone number ended up on your desk because last year, I asked the United Arab Emirates Ambassador to Manila Mohammed Ibrahim Al Jowaid to help arrange an interview with you!
(An outburst of violent curses followed by the unmistakable sound of slapping faces and then moaning sounds) This is not Dan Rather? How large is the Philippine population? Wasn’t your country the first Vietnam of America in the 1900s, when they caused the death of half a million Filipinos in their immoral and illegal war to colonize your country? How come you are today so blindly pro-American? Have the Americans returned the Balangiga church bells they stole from Samar after its military massacred men, women and children in that region? Have the Americans officially apologized for their human rights abuses in that brutal and immoral war? Do you in the Philippines get as much economic aid, loans and military weapons as Pakistan, Egypt, Turkey, Jordan, Israel, South Korea or Taiwan do despite your being more strongly pro-American and being the world’s only former US colony?
Even your woman president is so pro-American, she unfairly expelled my diplomats. Don’t you realize you’re actually selling your country’s dignity, self-respect and sovereignty too cheaply?
We have a population of 80 million. Yes, the Americans fought a bloody war to colonize the Philippines. We call it the "Philippine-American War," but the Americans still consider it an insurrection, a minor event in their rise to superpower status. Yes, our President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo aligned the country with the pro-USA coalition. She said that Iraq has connections to the Al Qaeda terrorist network.
What would a journalist like you from an anti-Iraq country want to know that is not already over-reported by the CNN and other biased Western media?
The Philippines is not anti-Iraq or anti-Muslim. Would you be willing to go into exile like Idi Amin of Uganda, Duvalier of Haiti and other former dictators?
(A torrent of loud curses) What exile are you talking about? Are you crazy? Have you not seen my TV appearances where I am meeting my valiant Iraqi people? Didn’t you see how my citizens love me as their leader? We are winning this war against that little evil Bush, against that British imperialist Tony Blair – these two should plan their exile after their military and political defeat! Why should I be forced to leave my sovereign country when they are the invaders? I am not Marcos, I will not be fooled into leaving my country. I shall die fighting here in Iraq. Don’t you see history repeating itself – how America, Britain, Spain and Portugal were once the most aggressive colonizers and now they are again colonizing Iraq because of our oil?
They accuse you of manufacturing weapons of mass destruction that threaten world peace.
I challenge Bush, Blair and their cohorts to give conclusive proof of their claims to the United Nations that I am making weapons of mass destruction! Bush and his evil conspirators covet our oil and seek to dominate the Middle East. Who gave Bush and company the divine right to act as judge, jury and executioner? What happened to the American constitutional principle that an accused is presumed innocent of a crime until proven guilty beyond any reasonable doubt? After bullying Iraq, who will be next – North Korea, Iran, Libya, Syria? Weapons of mass destruction, let them prove it! All these lies are actually weapons of MASS DISTRACTION so that they can get cheaper oil!
What about reports on the cold-blooded murder of your two sons-in-law, the horrific 1980s chemical war you waged on your defenseless Kurdish minority killing 200,000 people, and your alleged links to international terrorism?
(Another outburst of expletives in a foreign language and the sound of crashing glass in the background). You or the Americans have no right to meddle in the internal domestic affairs of our independent country Iraq! When the Americans massacred the American Indians to steal their ancestral homelands, and when they cruelly oppressed the black people as slaves, did my country or other foreign country meddle in their affairs? Cursed be to all meddlers!
The Americans say they want to liberate Iraq from your dictatorship.
Hypocrisy, double talk! They are worried they might not find weapons of mass destruction, so they’re talking liberation now! What democracy are they talking about? The Americans had supported many dictators as long as they served their selfish economic and geo-political interests. Didn’t America support the dictator Shah of Iran, the dictator General Pinochet of Chile after assassinating the democratically-elected socialist President Allende?
What about the dictatorships of Generalissimo Chiang Kai Shek in Taiwan, General Park Chung Hee in South Korea, General Suharto in Indonesia, Ngo Dinh Diem in South Vietnam and many others? Hypocrisy! They once even supported me when I waged war on Iran under Khomeini! They even once supported Osama bin Laden when he was fighting the holy war in Afghanistan against the Russian communists.
If you accuse Bush of violating your country’s sovereignty, how do you explain your 1980 invasion of Iran which led to eight years of senseless war and one million deaths? What about your 1990 bloody invasion of Kuwait?
Is this an interview, or are you accusing me in an international court?
I am not accusing Your Excellency. I am just bringing these past acts of violence. I am playing devil’s advocate.
For once, you have hit the bull’s eye! Indeed, you are playing advocate to the devil, the great Satan, the United States of America. That country has become the No. 1 world terrorist! When that sex maniac Bill Clinton failed in his attempts to destabilize my government, I thought all that would be the end, but I was wrong.
Since you mentioned Clinton, what is your comment on American attempts to poison the Viagra you were buying from Jordan – this is according to intelligence agents?
You are such an impertinent twerp! How dare you and the Americans even suggest that I need to use Viagra? First of all, I deny any need for Viagra. This is again part of the perverse American capitalist advertising, using ridiculous lies to sell their goods at the expense of my manhood and prestige! And last but not the least, how dare you ask such a question? Wouldn’t your head be chopped off if you even mentioned the sex life of your president in an interview?
No. Our President may have a bad temper, but she once told reporters that she has plenty of sex. Even former President Joseph Estrada once publicly said that he is luckier than Bill Clinton, because he had the sex and Clinton had all the scandals.
What a strange country you have! Don’t you have respect for your leaders?
Sorry, in our democracy, making fun of our politicians and gossiping about them are among our most popular activities! What about reports of your many billions of dollars in ill-gotten wealth, and your 50 extravagant palaces while your people die of hunger and poverty?
I do not comment on lies by American propaganda! It is good I have not allowed press freedom in my country. I can’t imagine having a dozen or more pests like you running around, spreading malice and mischief in my nation. The valiant people of Iraq love me unconditionally and we will win this war against the imperialists and infidels!
Any final message to the people of the world?
Make love, not war! (He bangs the phone).