Lost 'n space?

I must confess, I hardly ever follow the news these days. There’s just so much uncertainty in the world, and such a dearth of solutions to so many problems, that it’s all I can manage to leaf my way back to the funny pages every morning. At least there you find some certainty: Dogbert will always be smarter than Dilbert, Marcie will always call Peppermint Patty "Sir," and Spiderman will always be on the verge of getting it on with Mary Jane before duty intervenes.

But once in a while, I come across something in the news that makes me grin from ear to ear. For instance, imagine my joy at recently reading that ’N Sync singer Lance Bass may soon be launched into outer space.

Yes, it turns out that the 23-year-old boy-band member wants to be a passenger on the next Soviet Soyuz rocket launch this coming October. The week-long trip, if Bass is accepted, will reportedly cost him up to $20 million, and it seems many other private citizens are already lining up to book a ticket on their own personal Sputnik.

When did space travel go commercial, you may ask? Well, like everything else, the Russian Aerospace Agency has found that it needs to come up with creative new ways to pay its bills. And unless you’ve been orbiting a different planet this past decade, you will have noticed that the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is not exactly solvent. The Russian ruble nowadays has about as much value on the world market as belly-button lint. In fact, it’s pretty hard to imagine Russia turning down millions of dollars from American yahoos seeking a week-long joy ride in space. Call it payback for the Cold War.

(In truth, the Russians are playing coy about Bass’s interest in space flight, pooh-poohing his recent medical thumbs-up by Moscow’s Institute of Biomedical Problems, Russia’s premier space medicine center, saying: "Anyone has the right to undergo tests. But that doesn’t mean that such person is considered to be a candidate for space flight.")

Now, I’m not saying that these would-be cosmonauts (who will be docking at the now-orbiting International Space Station, which does not, to date, have a Starbucks franchise) won’t get good bang for their buck. Extreme sports are hot these days, and there’s probably nothing to beat the pure adrenaline rush of strapping yourself into a space capsule manufactured by a broken-down, bankrupt country.

In fact, the only earth-bound activities that could probably match Russian space travel for pure recklessness are: day trips to downtown Jerusalem, inspection tours of nuclear weapons sites in India or Pakistan, and of course, resort-hopping in the extreme south of the Philippines.

But people with excess money will do strange things for kicks. Back in the profligate ’80s, there was a bumper sticker which read: "COCAINE IS GOD’S WAY OF SAYING THAT YOU MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY." Now it’s space travel, I suppose. The last American to shell out for the space trip, U.S. businessman Dennis Tito, remarked that it was "better than Space Mountain," though he declined to say whether he’d pony up for another ride. Some eight potential space tourists have already approached the Russian Aerospace Agency for a slot, among them a South African venture capitalist, a NASA associate administrator, and – get this – aging Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler.

But Lance Bass. Now, that cracks me up. Lance is reportedly psyched for the flight, shrugging off the potential dangers of space travel and looking forward to filming a documentary about his pay-per-orbit trip. "We’re doing final negotiations right now with a major network to air this," he told Reuters. "It makes me feel like a great spokesperson for these space programs." No doubt there’s even an MTV special in the wings.

Lance will also reportedly have to study Russian for the trip, a requirement for booking a seat on the three-member Soyuz capsule. "It’s going to be very difficult," he noted, "but something I’m looking forward to."

Most interesting, perhaps, is that Lance’s training program will be funded by – get this – Radio Shack. Lance’s people are currently looking for further underwriting from corporations with a bit more, well, corporate cachet. I’d hate to think that Radio Shack will be the ones actually building the space craft.

Okay, at this point, feel free to insert your own ’N Sync joke here, something along the lines of: "One down, four to go," or "Make sure it’s a one-way ticket, Lance." But actually, what’s even more astonishing to contemplate is how much money there is in boy-band music. Twenty million? Dollars? How many mortals can afford that kind of trip? Eventually, they say, space tourism will become more accessible at $100,000 per flight. But for now, only a few brave pioneers are fronting the big bucks for a shot at weightlessness. Which leads me to think, isn’t it time we start preparing a wish list of those folks who really, really, really need to be blasted into outer space at the earliest possible opportunity? Here’s mine:

• Former President Joseph Estrada – In space, Erap will hardly ever be troubled by that bum knee again. And we’ll no longer have to hear his perpetual excuses again, because in space, no one can hear you whine.

• Osama Bin Laden – First guy to find him earns an extra million frequent-flier miles for strapping him into a Soyuz Rocket Launcher.

• Abu Sabaya – With all the money this guy has raked in from kidnap-for-ransom operations, he could easily be booked on the next flight to Uranus.

• Oprah Winfrey – She’s already conquered the world’s media, so maybe it’s time for her to boldly go where no ratings have gone before...

• Ozzy Osbourne – We love ya, Oz – self-parodying TV appearances and all – but it may be time for this crazy train to leave the station for good.

• The Rock – "Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?" Could be rocket fuel.

• Britney Spears – Hey, Lance is gonna need some company out there.

Who knows? Once they’ve gotten around to banishing the casts of Hollywood Squares and Survivor into deep, dark space, then that will really be one giant leap for mankind. And just one final note to all you would-be space explorers: Godspeed, and take as much time as you want up there. We’ll let you know when it’s safe to come back.