Two for the road

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. – Dave Barry

I’m thinking about suing the Suncorp Metway Company of Australia.

It seems that their talent pool of financial and insurance experts recently conducted a study which rated Geminis as the worst drivers on the road. Yes, it turns out we Geminis – those of us born between May 21 and June 20, that is – are the most accident-prone behind the wheel.

This would place us far below other astrological signs whom you would immediately suspect of being really horrible drivers, like Arians (sign of the Ram) or Cancers (sign of the Crab).

And that’s not all. This bit of astrological slander couldn’t come at a worse time for Geminis, or for me personally. It seems I already have a reputation – confirmed and upheld by my wife – for being a reckless or less-than-Schumacher-level driver. Now she has concrete evidence (or at least pseudo-science) to back up her theories.

Look, it’s bad enough being born under the sign of the Twins. You don’t know which way is up half the time, or which voice in your head you’re going to be taking directions from on any given day. True, you share your birth sign with cool people like Albert Einstein, Marilyn Monroe and Miles Davis; but you also share it with Paul McCartney. You diligently try to master complex tasks like maneuvering huge slabs of metal, glass, plastic and rubber down torturous roadways such as EDSA. And what do you get for your efforts?

"Watch Out For Geminis On The Road."

Somebody call my lawyer.

Now, it’s not like the good people at Suncorp Metway are doing anything constructive with this bit of alarmist propaganda. They’ve simply collected 160,000 car-accident insurance claims, studied their actuarial tables, calculated the number of mishaps racked up by Geminis compared with other zodiac signs, and published the results. But why now? What are they trying to prove? There’s something malicious about this, I tell you.

Consider the damning statement of Suncorp’s national manager of personal insurance, Warren Duke: "Geminis, typically described as restless, easily bored and frustrated by things moving slowly, had more car accidents than any other sign."

Well, who doesn’t get bored in traffic, and who doesn’t like to simultaneously check the glove compartment, empty the ashtray of candy wrappers, change the cassette player settings, and fish around in the back seat for a stray ballpoint pen while they’re driving? Is that a crime or something?

The study goes on to exalt other astrological signs, such as Capricorns, as being very good drivers because they’re patient and focused. Of course, there’s a fine line between being a good driver and being an inert slug. But as far as I know, Suncorp Metway didn’t measure that line.

I will say one thing for being a Gemini, though: you’re never really alone. Like John Forbes Nash, you always have a few friends (imaginary or otherwise) nearby. And as I tried to explain to my wife, it’s not that I’m a bad driver – it’s the other guy, my road twin: he’s the one who decides to overtake on one-way streets. He’s the one who can’t seem to resist organizing his wallet while waiting at intersections.

Again, I put it to you: it’s not easy being a Gemini. We are known to be left-handed, a little crazy, and full of ideas (some sound, some not). We are not noted for our people skills or motor coordination. Other signs who fared almost as badly as Geminis were Tauruses, who were described as "obstinate and inflexible," and Pisceans who are "risk-takers and daredevils," according to the study.

Here’s how the "Worst to Best Drivers" list breaks down, according to the now-highly-suspect Suncorp Metway Company of Australia: 1) Gemini, 2) Taurus, 3) Aries, 4) Pisces, 5) Virgo, 6) Aquarius, 7) Libra, 8) Scorpio, 9) Cancer, 10) Leo, 11) Sagittarius, 12) Capricorn.

In defending the survey, Mr. Duke pointed out that the results will in no way affect insurance premiums at Suncorp Metway. "We always look for trends in claims to see if there are ways to reduce our pricing," he commented wryly, "but there is no intention to introduce astrology as a rating factor for motor insurance."

Still, the damage is already done, Mr. Duke. Us Geminis take a lot of guff, sometimes from the voices inside our own heads, but enough is enough. There is strength in numbers, and if you’re going to malign our sign, damn our tribe, call us unsafe at any speed, all I can say is this: judging by the display of driving skills out there, there must be a lot of Manila drivers who were born between May 21 and June 20.

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