What is the funniest joke you have ever told?

It’s now indisputable that stress and anxiety can lead to illness. Thank God, there’s an antidote: laughter truly is the best medicine. Reading or hearing jokes never fail to make us forget even for the moment all our worries and problems. So, for today, let’s take a break from all the serious issues and bad news we are faced with every day. Here are famous personalities who have that rare gift of filling the air with laughter and easing our heavy loads as they reveal the best jokes they have ever told or heard.

Gary Lising, author, Grin and Bear It:
Question: Bakit ang laki-laki ng butas ng ilong ni Sen. Drilon?
Answer: Kasi ang tataba ng mga daliri niya.

Question: Why can’t they circumcize Osama bin Laden? >
Answer: Because there is no end to that prick.

Question: What is worse than a bachelor?
Answer: Being a bachelor’s son.

Dear Mons,

Can I just greet a doctor friend of mine who reads your column all the time? I won’t mention his name because last week he was caught making love to one of his patients. He is a veterinarian. – Thanks, Gary Lising

Senator Juan Flavier: Funniest joke I’ve told: There was a naughty boy in a barrio school. The teacher called his attention and asked the question: "Pedro, sino ang sumulat ng Noli Me Tangere ?" Taken by surprise, the boy exclaimed: "Hindi po ako, Ma’am." The reply irritated the teacher and she told the boy to return the following day with his father.

Pedro went home sad. His father noticed that there was something wrong and inquired. The boy said: "Pinagbintangan ho akong sumulat ng Noli Me Tangere." The father looked at him sternly and asked: Talaga bang hindi ikaw anak?" To which the child replied: "Hindi po talaga." "Buweno, pangangatawanan natin na kahit tayo’y mahirap lang, hindi tayo sinungaling," his father said.

The next day, the two went to see the teacher. The teacher explained what happened and waited for what the father would say. To her dismay, the father defended the child and said: "Ma’am, kami po’y mahirap lang pero tinuruan namin ang aming mga anak na huwag magsinungaling. Kaya kung sinabi niyang hindi siya ang sumulat ng Noli Me Tangere, talagang hindi siya ang sumulat." The teacher became even more furious.

Father and son went home very sad. On their way home, they met the mother who asked what was the matter. The father told her what happened in school. Upon hearing the explanation, the mother got angry. "Ang hina naman ng ulo ninyo. Kung ang ginawa ninyo sana ay inamin ninyo na lang na siya ang sumulat at nangakong hindi na uulit, wala sanang problema."

* * *

Funniest joke I ever heard:

There was a farmer whose lifelong dream was to go to the US. He applied for a US visa but was turned down. For the second time, the farmer prepared well. He borrowed money from various relatives and neighbors to show several bank accounts that he could sustain his trip. He also bought fake school records and diplomas attesting to a bogus college degree. To top it all, he entered into a make-believe marriage as a guarantee of his commitment to return.

But the visa officer saw through his scam and disapproved his application. Still the farmer was not discouraged. He persisted and even got a new passport with an altered first name so that the computerization records would not be able to detect that he had been turned down several times. Still to no avail.

The farmer had become a fixture at the American Embassy. It was his seventh time to be interviewed. The guards knew him by name and the visa officer knew him by face.

In exasperation, the interviewer ogled at the farmer and blurted out, "My God! You again? I am telling you for the last time, you do not qualify. You are the type who will go TNT. Your application is disapproved."

"Okay, when do I come back?" the farmer asked without batting an eyelash.

"Come back after 10 years!" the visa officer almost screamed as he handed back the stack of papers and the new passport.

As the farmer turned to leave the counter, he said in all seriousness, "Morning or afternoon?"

Boo Chanco, Philippine Star columnist: Two funny jokes come to mind, and both are Erap jokes forwarded by world-class texter Rosan Cruz:

What is 7 inches long and hangs on an idiot? Erap’s necktie

* * * Here’s the other one:

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. Recovery is when Erap loses his job.

(The only problem with the last joke is that Erap lost his job but wala pa rin tayo. The joke is on us it seems.)

* * *

But one of the best jokes I used in my column has to do with journalism and headline writing. Anyone who has ever been frustrated and infuriated with newspaper headlines will empathize with this one.

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for the horses was so high that the preacher settled for a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite good and came in third. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline.

Preacher Shows Ass

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place.

Preacher Ass Out In Front

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline.

Bishop Scratches The Preacher’s Ass

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read:

Nun Has The Best Ass In Town

The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for 10 dollars. The paper stated:

Nun Peddled Ass For Ten Bucks

They buried the Bishop the next day.

Johnny Litton, Philippine STAR columnist/businessman: The funniest joke that I have ever heard came from a politician who said: "I will eliminate traffic and smoke belchers in Metro Manila."

Tessie Tomas, TV host, Feel @ Home: This is one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever delivered in our show in Champoy. I think this was sent by a viewer in our "Boom na Boom" portion:

Siksikan sa loob ng bus...nakatayo ang isang girl sa likod ng lalaki sa may estribo.

Girl: Wow! Ang cute naman ng guy sa harap ko. Sayang, may body odor!

Mister: Excuse me. Anong deodorant po ang gamit n’yo?

Man: Deodorant? Ahhh...7 Dwarfs.

Girl: 7 Dwarfs? Asikasuhin n’yo ho...mukhang patay na yong isa, eh!

Nanette Inventor, comedienne/actress:

1. Vandalism sa public toilet: Boy and Mercy… "That’s are friends."

2. Isang sign sa Novaliches: "Education is nothing without meaning."

Candy Pangilinan, comedienne/actress: I was watching a comedy by a very good stand up comedian. Well, from the looks of it he was not on the right plane. For 30 minutes he kept yakking and not a single soul laughed. Finally, he delivered a good joke, but in very bad timing. There was no response from the audience. Finally, he quickly said: Mga kaibigan, sabay sabay po nating ipagdasal ang mga namatay na joke sa gabing ito."