On collective nounages

The other night I was watching a local news show which featured a woman who seemed agitated and distraught about the presence of US soldiers in the Southern Philippines. There she was, pumping her fist in the air, demanding that "all US militaries go home now!"

Now, regardless of her opinion, I could tell she was distraught and agitated, because she had added an "s" to the word "military," perhaps fearing that multiple US armies were planning to occupy the Philippines. It also made me realize something about Filipino English: that there’s a tendency here to buttress collective nouns with an "s" at the end.

Collective nouns are words that refer to groups of people, places or things, such as the following:

data

luggage

furniture

homework

In the local tongue, of course, these are rendered:

datas

luggages

furnitures

homeworks

Why this is is anyone’s guess. I’m really not sure what causes nouns to spontaneously mutate in this tropical country. Why, for example, does the plural noun "signs," when used in the Philippines, turn into "signage," a word usually confined to zoning board meetings? And further, why does "signage" gain an additional "s" here, becoming the tongue-twisting "signages"?

Again, I haven’t a clue.

It could be that nouns in the Philippines are unsure of themselves, that the actual number of things being discussed is often unclear or squirmy. Thus Filipinos deem it safer to tack an "s" at the end of collective nouns, to cover all their bases. (Or is it basages?)

We often see this tendency at work in the legal profession, where lawyers are called upon to show "evidences" and "proofs." ("Proofs," if I remember correctly, are useful in algebra and trigonometry classes.) Politicians and public officials also love amending their collective nouns, citing "datas" and "researches" in their speeches and giving unwanted "advices" on occasion. "Advice" is a word that gets special torture here, being habitually confused with the verb "advise." When such language abusers do manage to use the correct noun "advice," they usually slip an "s" at the end for added impact. (Strangely, politicians also drop their articles left and right, beginning sentences with "Majority believe that…" or "Government must act…" Whatever happened to "A" and "The"?)

Then there is the dubious phrase, "Get your acts together," also prized by politicians. Again, the added "s" is confusing. The correct phrase, "Get your act together," conjures up a number of individuals trying to align their goals into one coordinated effort. "Get your acts together" conjures up a three-ring circus.

Perhaps Filipinos think serially. Maybe they imagine things happening in sequence, or even perpetually. (We already know that Filipinos have peculiar notions about time, arriving in moviehouses, for instance, 10 minutes before a film ends and then sticking around to watch from the beginning.)

These odd notions of time and space may explain the children’s textbook I recently edited which advised (not "adviced") young Juan to rest and stay indoors because "he has colds." Does Juan suffer from many colds at once? Are colds lining up outside Juan’s immune system, patiently waiting their turn? Or is it possible that Juan simply has "a cold"? In any case, most people here would tell you the best way to treat a persistent cold is with "medicines." Yes, various forms of pharmaceuticals are sometimes necessary to treat a cold, but since "medicine" is already a collective noun, maybe we can shed the extra "s."

Or how about when you line up at a fast-food restaurant, and the person behind the counter inevitably asks: "Do you want drinks?" Being one person, I find this question a bit baffling. Yes, over the course of time, I will probably consume a number of beverages. But for the moment, one Coke will do. The food court people also eagerly offer me "sidings" and "toppings," so they may have some kind of fanatical obsession with the letter "s".

Now, I’m not just being picky here. I can excuse a lot of English peculiarities, like the shop on my way home that advertises "Vases and Decors," or the department store that sells "clothings and beddings." But do local news programs have to show "footages"? As a plural noun, "footage" is perfectly capable of handling anyone’s video needs. So let’s drop the unnecessary "s" whenever possible, okay? It’s just extra baggage. (Or is that "baggages"?)

Actually, in all fairness, the Filipino confusion about collective nouns is understandable, because the rules of English are somewhat hazy on this point. In fact, there are no rules about when to add an "s" or not; it all comes down to a case-by-case, noun-by-noun basis (unlike Tagalog, wherein the article itself changes to reflect increased number.) So whoever said English was perfect? Not me. I have enough trouble as it is keeping track of my own speakings and writings without worrying about other people’s collective nouns. (Or is it "nounages"?)

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