How to get adopted by a cat

There is a common misconception that people adopt cats. This is hilarious. You think you’re choosing a cat, but it’s the cat who chooses you. Cats are very clever; they allow you to think you’re the boss. Well if you’re the boss, how come you’re buying the cat food and toys, serving the cat’s meals, cleaning her litter box, imploring her not to scratch your furniture, and generally doing her bidding?

Ren Villanueva wasn’t even a cat person (as a child he had pet dogs and a fish tank) when a stray cat decided that he needed feline housemates. “We have two cats, Pouncer and Sqeeky. (Note: She does not spell her name with a ‘u’.) Pouncer’s mom was a friendly stray kitten who would play at the foot of the stairs. At some point she climbed up to our door and walked right in. She was our regular visitor for a couple of months, and then she disappeared. After several months’ absence she returned with one kitten in her mouth and another sitting on our door mat. I’ve had cats in the house since then.”

After Pouncer’s brother Nicol died in an accident, Ren adopted Sqeeky to keep Pouncer company. Pouncer and Sqeeky were instant friends — they were snuggling up the day they met.

 This is unusual behavior for cats, who are territorial animals. When I brought my calico cat Saffy home, my ginger cat Koosi leapt on top of a shelf and did an excellent impression of a lion on the warpath. When my black-and-white tabby Mat came into the house some years later, Koosi and Saffy both leapt on top of a shelf and carried on as if the Mongol horde had walked in the door.  My point being: You can’t just bring a new cat home, the other cats will freak out. The newbie has to stay in another room, or at least in his own carrier.

The fact that Pouncer is so friendly and gregarious may explain this strange behavior. “Pouncer and Sqeeky have very different personalities,” Ren explains. “Pouncer likes to lounge around and be cuddled. She uses her eyes to win you over. It’s impossible to resist her cuteness. Her other passion seems to be eating. She’s round and fat.

“Sqeeky is always up to all sorts of mischief. She has a number of hobbies, like opening cabinet doors, rummaging through drawers — she can also open drawers — and burrowing under bedcovers. Right now she’s working on picking up keys with her paws.  She used to be able to turn the kitchen faucet lever. I had to put a stop to it because she didn’t know how to close the tap.”

Snack time: They love wheatgrass and nibble on it before meals.

 Pouncer and Sqeeky are united by their love of wheatgrass. “I suspect it’s very delicious to them, the same way ice cream or crispy pata is to us,” Ren says. “I’ve noticed that they munch on the wheatgrass before they eat their kibble. No narcotic effects like catnip, though.”

 I don’t know about your cats, but my feline housemates are willful creatures who derive entertainment from breaking rules. We have instituted a system for dealing with common infractions. For sharpening claws on books and papers, the offender get a light tap between the eyes with a single rolled-up sheet of paper (Cats find this deeply offensive). For open rebellion, viz. attacking the human with claws and teeth, the offender gets solitary confinement: ten minutes inside a locked carrier.

I asked Ren how he gets the cats to do as they’re told. Does he bribe them, threaten them, or enforce some other form of discipline? His answer is simple but extremely effective: squirt gun! A well-timed squirt from a water pistol or a spray bottle usually stops them from tearing apart your most valuable possessions.

“Pouncer is well-behaved,” Ren says. “She never does anything bad. Sqeeky is always up to all sorts of mischief. She gets the squirt gun when I catch her sleeping in my closet.”

If your cats are adept at opening closets, I suggest you inspect your closets and cabinets before you lock them. A cat could’ve crawled in for a nap and gotten trapped. If he’s trapped and needs to relieve himself he might do so on your wardrobe, or if he’s polite, hold it in and develop medical problems.

Indoor cats require entertainment, and my housemates like to sit at the window and observe the outside world. Sometimes they watch videos, which must seem like windows to another world. When we used to watch TV, Koosi was interested in financial market reports — she enjoyed chasing the numbers crawling at the bottom of the screen. Saffy liked tennis matches and Mat always sits through The Lord of the Rings movies. For some reason all three cats love the Will Ferrell movie, Elf.

Ren’s cats aren’t into television, but they love music. Their favorite: Chris Botti playing the trumpet. When they hear him, they do the cat version of dogs howling to music. The Chris Botti — Gladys Knight recording of Lover Man drives them wild.  Cats and their musical preferences: there’s a subject for a future column.