Once again I was overwhelmed by readers’ response to last week’s column on marriage and infidelity, both from men and women. Nobody argued against it, which is what I was expecting. Instead people all wanted to share their experiences. I observed that men and women have different styles of infidelity.
There was a man who texted me, said he was over 60. He said he would share an exchange of texts between him and his girlfriend with whom he was so terribly in love. They had this wonderful exchange of text, he said, and then she disappeared. He couldn’t track her down and she would not respond to any of his attempts at contact. Oh, how he missed her, he said. Then he sent me his texts, which just repeatedly said he loved and missed her and her texts, which advised him to get some rest. What was I supposed to tell him? As far as I was concerned she had told him everything but he was too smitten to get it.
Did he mention if he was married or single? No. I think he was married. And she was single so she apparently walked out the door. So now he was heartbroken and he missed her terribly but nevertheless he said nothing about being married, about his family, just that he missed her terribly.
Most men think their wives have nothing to do with their falling in love with another woman. They claim to love their wives, will never leave them. They are the mothers of their children. That’s a special position. They cannot leave them but they can be crazy about you. They keep everything a secret and if caught will deny any infidelity to death.
I remember a man I used to work with who swore that if his wife walked into a hotel elevator that had him and his girlfriend as passengers he would still deny that it was he. That’s how secretive men can get over their affairs.
What is the woman’s style of infidelity? First, she is not likely to become unfaithful unless she has been profoundly hurt. She promised to love her man and is determined to and then he hurts her deeply. She will not fall in love with the first man she meets either. Neither will she go to bed instantly. But when she meets someone who appears to be interested in her and kind to her, she may fall quite seriously in love.
She is not as secretive. A woman is a different creature from a man. Romance is more important to her so she allows herself to be enthralled, to be thrilled by the littlest things — phone calls, e-mail, text, secret meetings for coffee, unnoticed by her husband, especially if he has been her husband for many years. She is more dangerous when she falls in love with somebody else because she is likely to let go of her husband and run away with the other man.
When a woman is in love she loses her judgment. She believes her new man will give her a kinder life so she will run away with him. Maybe she will regret it later. Who cares? Usually what matters to her is how she feels in that moment. She can turn to her husband and say, finally, “I’m sorry, I don’t love you anymore,” like Betty Draper did to her husband, Don Draper, after she realized he had been lying to her every single day of their marriage in Mad Men.
Do I have any advice? To the men, I won’t waste my time. You will be unfaithful forever. Yes, you get bored with your wives and there are so many other women. At the very least, try not to have children. But I know I waste my breath. Everyone gets carried away and no amount of talking will stop you from one more try at infidelity. To you, infidelity is delicious.
To the women, be more discreet and try not to get caught unless you are ready to confront your husband’s wrath. Men get very upset when their wives fool around with another man. They become insecure about their prowess, their size, their ability to give her happiness. If you get caught, you can almost be sure you will separate.
That’s the other source of unfairness. If a woman catches her man fooling around, she is expected to forgive, forget, and love him again. If a man catches his wife fooling around he realizes he cannot forgive, cannot forget, and cannot love her ever again. So unless you and your lover are ready to make a life together, don’t get caught.
By the way, don’t ask for my advice either. My readers are strangers to me. Nobody gives decent advice to strangers. So don’t ask me if you should marry your boyfriend here or abroad, or if you should run away with your lover or not. I don’t know you. I don’t give advice to people I know. How can I advise people I don’t know? I am more likely to say the wrong thing.
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