Living old, living well

When you look at my column’s photograph, laugh. It is an old picture taken about five years ago. Of course, I have aged. What else can I do? That’s what happens naturally in everyone’s life. One ages. Today, I have a smarter haircut that doesn’t need combing and I don’t put on much makeup any more. But I am happier this way.

These days, I enjoy looking at my life and studying it. It was a wonderful life full of — in the end — joyful growth. I was never afraid of anything or rather, I outgrew all my fears. Fear of ghosts, when I was small. Fear of being alone, when I grew older. Now I live alone, no maids even, and I am happier than I have ever been.

Nine years ago, 2001, was a horrible year for me. It began well. I moved into a lovely house I had built for myself in Calamba and I was extremely happy there, but apparently only for a little while. One morning I woke up and half of my face was swollen. I must have mumps, I thought, remembering that I had not gotten that disease on both sides of my face. I got it with my children when they were small only on one side, but I couldn’t remember which side. It happened on a weekend so I couldn’t go to the doctor. It became more and more painful until one morning I couldn’t open my mouth. That finally sent me to the doctor.

He would not let me leave the hospital. I was operated on and after that my face was crooked. By December I quit my job simply because I got tired of it. I was doing pretty well teaching writing when in September of 2003 I had a mild stroke in my right brain. Strokes, no matter how mild, do change you. Mine straightened out the crookedness of my face but it also isolated me from my emotions. I didn’t speak very much, slept a lot. I didn’t feel very much, either. My doctor never recommended therapy because I wasn’t paralyzed but I could not read, so I decided to knit. I knitted myself a lot of sweaters in cotton yarn. I became an expert knitter and after many years, very slowly, I got well.

That stroke taught me profoundly about the will of nature (or God, as I think) and the need for acceptance. There is nothing else you can do but bow to it and do what you can to survive. In a way it gives you time to discover and know yourself again, how little you can do, how slowly that ability grows, but it brings you to a better self. When you look back you realize how much you have changed, how much you learned.

Now when I think back I think I had the worst seven years of bad luck ever. It began late in 1999 and continued relentlessly until around the middle of 2007. Then things began to get lighter. I was recovering from my stroke, very slowly but very surely. Before my stroke, I was the Free Cell (a computer solitaire game) genius. After my stroke I couldn’t play Free Cell. Now I play it again first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Now, I am once again a Free Cell genius, scoring 97 percent versus 93 percent before the stroke.

From 2001 to 2010, what has happened in my life? Nothing very much. I used to teach writing and earned enough to see me through. Somehow I had enough projects to fund my life, which involved taking care of my mother. My children gave me tremendous assistance. I managed.     

Around April of last year, my first cousin came to visit me at the Legazpi market. She asked me if I would be willing to work for her as a marketing consultant for her jewelry firms. Sure, why not? I said, without much thought. That describes my attitude these days.   Grab every opportunity, why bother to contemplate? I have nothing to lose. 

Time passed. No mention of a job. Life went on and I enjoyed it. Every day something happened. The elevators in my condominium had to be changed. I could no longer give classes at home because it became too noisy and too dusty. So I taught at one of the expensive colleges. Enjoyed that, too. 

But last February my cousin called and said, “Okay, can you start on Feb. 16. Come to the office and we’ll see what happens.” I went and so much has happened. I am working again, as a consultant. Can you believe it?   I can’t believe it. I am also enjoying it. Suddenly I feel younger, more alive, more spirited. I have realized what makes me feel alive more than anything else is work — having something to do, making plans to succeed, and finally seeing if you will succeed. 

I had to learn to get organized early, show up at the office at eight sharp. In my previous life, I sat at my computer in my nightgown playing Free Cell until 10. Now I have a quick lunch, no siesta. I walk through malls again, poking into stores and studying the market, the competition, seeing everything they’re selling and seeing what we have to do.

This is fun. I am so grateful to my cousin for this job and to her mother and mine — sisters, both dead now. I feel they connived to put us together this way. Most of all I am profoundly grateful to the mover of my destiny for giving me all my different times. I have had very difficult times, yes, but they always pass and then I have what I call “up times.” I am enjoying an up time now.

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