Politics as porn

Normally, the myriad forms of mainstream entertainment shield us from current events and temporarily distract us from reality. But what if keeping tabs on the news — and finding humor in it — became the method of escape itself?

I never thought I’d come around to it, but I’m one among the growing legions of young people who now think that there are more punchlines, caricatures, and gasbags in the world of politics — and lately, finance — than in the entire reality TV universe. I attribute this evolution to my day job at a British news organization. In less than half a year, it has succesfully turned me into an amazing information machine that’s wired — quite literally — to what’s going on while it’s going on. Yussss.

Every morning, I’ve learned to give a warm, cinematic embrace to my work inbox which, like Twitter, whirls and hums with live dispatches about bank failures, natural disasters, and yeah, Paris fashion week. In fact, I got word about Kim Jong-Il’s supposed stroke right after it happened and I almost ejected my hot red tea through my nostrils and onto my unsuspecting co-workers. That’s how much I’ve come to appreciate global affairs. I call it a newsgasm.

My Tumblr Dashboard = Crack

Gainful employment aside, this recently discovered penchant for political puns has also permeated my life online. Once a harmless receptacle of randoms my friends stumble upon on the Internet, my Tumblr dashboard has turned into virtual crack since the US presidential campaign kicked off in all its rebloggable glory.

Of course, Sarah Palin, Republican vice presidential hopeful, has a lot to do with it. When she was presented at the Republican National Convention, the blogosphere sprung a collective boner at the jokes which were writing themselves. In a span of seconds, I received snarky updates about how Palin’s youngest daughter Piper smoothed down her baby brother’s hair with her hand after licking it cat-style. True life.

The jets hadn’t cooled but Sarah Palin was at it again, this time as a gun-toting MILF in a patriotic bikini. That turned out to be a fake (but simultaneously convincing) Photoshop job. It was a product of the politics of personal destruction, yet it has been embedded into countless sites as a true representation of the candidate and, for horny university students, suitable dorm room décor.

Comedy Goldmine

Sarah Palin’s televised debates and various one-on-ones have also proven to be goldmines for comedy and excuses for incessant live blogging. On Sept. 11, 2008, the self-confessed hackey mam — that’s how she enunciated it — famously shared her foreign policy insights through an ABC News interview. “They’re our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska,” Palin uttered.

Instantly, angry Netizens got their nerdgear on and produced graphics to underscore her crappy reasoning. One impressive looking map handed out the snark and said that the pyramids in Egypt; half of Africa, Iran, and Iraq; and Disneyland Paris, among others, were closer to Russia’s capital than Wasilla, AK. Then again, what do you expect from a woman with a brand-new passport?

Her session with Katie Couric was similarly made of WTFs. Instead of answering the perky journalist’s questions, Palin issued catchphrases and vague bullet points. (“I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news, too,” she said when asked which publications she read to understand the world.) It was such an explosive blend of dialogue and farce that Jon Stewart reliably quipped, “It’s like the first season of Lost, except it makes even less sense!” Even CNN’s John Cafferty remarked that if BS were currency, Sarah Palin could bail out Wall Steet. Ouch.

But ultimately, it’s Tina Fey who has benefited from all the f*ckery. Her spot-on parody of Sarah Palin has revitalized her primetime career. As most of the lines seem directly quoted, the SNL alum didn’t really need to break a sweat, which is funny and scary at the same time. Fey has been so effective that a French newspaper, Le Soleil, accidentally published a still from one of her Saturday Night Live episodes an official shot of the Alaskan governor in a recent issue. Ohmanohmanohman. Incidentally, Tina Fey posed with John McCain on the cover on Life magazine almost four years ago, an eerie foreshadowing of future events.

‘Nailin’ Paylin’

Winking like America’s cocktail waitress in her debate with Joe Biden, Sarah Palin and her pretty face have caught the eye of the porn industry as well. Hustler Video is shooting adult film with a look-alike, called Nailin’ Paylin. The spelling contains a sic to avoid possible lawsuits, methinks.

The faux Sarah is Lisa Ann, who the press release says “will be nailing the Russians who come knocking on her back-door.” The video is in pre-production, but is being fast tracked for release before the November polls.

As unclassy as all this sounds, it may be considered a backlash to the sexualization of Palin by Republicans. Her supporters have waved placards that read “Hottest candidate from the coolest state” and it seems that the eyelash-batting has worked against the lady who appeals to Joe Six-Pack and sounds like Fargo’s Marge Gunderson.

Interesting Times Indeed

With financial institutions crashing and turmoil looming, not a few pundits and journalists have raked one saying across the coals: “May you live in interesting times.”

For centuries, the Chinese used this ancient curse as a purported blessing, wishing upheaval and trouble in a person’s life. The clear implication, of course, is that uninteresting or boring times, of peace and tranquility, are more life-enhancing. Throughout the years, however, people have interpreted this quote in another way and now regard it as wholly positive.

So with all that’s going on in the world, and with the technology that allows us to stay informed, there’s really no excuse for ignorance or apathy towards world events. Those who still say they don’t keep up with the news should do us all a favor and engage in activities with a high risk of infertility. A plea of “I don’t read the paper” doesn’t cut it anymore. It’s totally a sign of the times that a majority are consuming business and political information as if it were entertainment. Some enthusiastic ones, like me, have even begun treating it like it was porn.