The column you are about to read is a news parody. Its stories are not fact-checked. Its author is not a journalist. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
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The Social Weather Station reports that President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s net satisfaction rating has hit a historical rock-bottom, at -38 points. This gives new meaning to the song, Shorty Got Low.
The President gives her State of the Nation Address at the House of Representatives in two days. Her social welfare program is expected to be at the center of this speech.
In fact, many of those who will be in attendance on Monday are proud recipients of Arroyo’s famous dole-outs. I am, of course, talking about our Congressmen.
Meanwhile, the Armed Forces of the Philippines will deploy two army battalions in time for the SONA. In line with this, Commission on Human Rights chair Leila de Lima has told law enforcers that they may look “menacing,” but “dapat hanggang looks lang.”
When asked to comment, the AFP supposedly said, “We aahhh.... accept this suggestion... aahhh. After all... ahhh... looks can kill.”
Gloria In Excelsis
Speaking of killings, reports this week say that GMA has saved some 24 overseas Filipino workers from execution and secured the freedom of 11 other OFWs since 2006. This, through her “personal intervention” with kings and heads of state.
No word on how “personal” these interventions were.
Presidential Management Staff’s Cerge Remonde says, “(This is a) demonstration of the high standing and respect President Arroyo enjoys in the international community... it is indeed a pity that (she) is not a prophet in her own country.”
So, Gloria Arroyo can save lives? Hundreds of journalists and activists are wondering why they’re dead.
An ARMM for an ARMM
And, a final piece of GMA news: Arroyo, who is not a MILF, has met with the MILF (Moro Islamic Liberation Front) to discuss the postponement of elections in the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao.
The meeting allegedly lasted only one minute, when after the words, “election,” and “postponement” were uttered, the President immediately said, “Yes.”
Loserrrrs!
Back at home, 2007 Senatorial elections loser Ralph Recto has been appointed head of the National Economic Development Authority.
This, just months after fellow losers Tito Sotto and Mike Defensor were appointed to posts in the executive.
This only means former Congressman Prospero “Itanim sa Senado” Pichay is next. There is no need to insert another joke in this paragraph.
Last Week
Supreme cover stars, KC Concepcion and Richard Gutierrez are off to Greece, where they will shoot their first kissing scene together.
Speaking to PEP.PH, Gutierrez says, “Handa naman ako. Sana handa siya... we’re gonna be working, we’re gonna be exploring, we’re gonna be having fun.”
Somewhere in Manila, a Megastar drops her Big Mac. (“No, KC, no!”)
This Week
KC Concepcion and Richard Gutierrez are back in the country, after nine days of shooting in Greece. Sources say the two acted “sweet” around each other, and have even bought themselves matching bracelets.
Fans are calling the two a match made in heaven. Insiders call the two a match made by Annabelle Rama.
Don’t Speak
And finally, in preparation for next month’s Olympics, the Chinese government has released a list of “eight don’t asks” — a guide for locals on how to show proper hospitality to tourists.
“Don’t ask about income or expenses, don’t ask about age, don’t ask about love life or marriage, don’t ask about health, don’t ask about someone’s home or address, don’t ask about personal experience, don’t ask about religious beliefs or political views, don’t ask what someone does,” read posters in Beijing.
While some tourists have questioned the guidelines, others do not care. Kris Aquino, for example, will spill everything about anything without even being asked.
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