Ang krimen ni Amaro

I am feeling out of sorts, not in the mood for anything, not seriously but just a little bit off my normal good mood.  I don’t want to knit, have been doing too much of that. I have worked most of my leftover yarn into three sweaters.  I am a wee bit tired of knitting for now.  I want to paint, but I don’t feel ready, don’t have enough time.  My beads are sort of scattered here and there but I don’t feel like making jewelry either.  I only have enough energy for rummaging, for poking through all the piles on my desk and nearby shelves, looking into my envelopes big and small.

What is inside this hefty envelope?  I open it.  Three notebooks.  One big and blue, another small and bright yellow, still another in psychedelic fuchsia.  This is my Jung stuff, things I picked up from the last Jung seminar I attended.  So this is what I did.  I put them all together into an envelope.  Why didn’t I label them?  I pick up a red big pen from my desk and label:  Jung Stuff.

Then I decide to look again.  The blue notebook is the first one I remember.  It had been more than 10 years since my very first Jung seminar.  In addition, I had  a stroke three years back and was feeling a little lost.   So I called Rose Yenko and asked her if they were going to have a Jung seminar.  I wanted to go to find myself again.  This was last July.  I look through the pages of the blue notebook: interesting notes.   We drew a mandala, a round thing with all sorts of details inside.  I don’t know how to explain what a mandala is, but it’s pleasurable to draw.  I called mine Laughing in the Dark.  What stood out were yellow flashes of laughter against a purple background.  But where is the mandala?  I have forgotten what it looks like.  I must have passed it and left it with them.

One one page I saw I scribbled:  Three things that personify me:  Laughter, creativity, teacher.  I pause, staring at it.  Yes, that is true.   That does sound like me.  I laugh a lot, am more creative now than I ever was and I am a teacher, one who teaches writing.  Good!  Interesting!

I pick up the yellow notebook.  Wild – living close to who you are.  It connotes integrity.  That is what wild means to the Jungians.  In that respect I am indeed a wild woman, especially when I know exactly who I am.  When I am not in the mood, like now, I must choose which reason:  You feel powerless over your life.  No, I have power over my life.  You feel you have no voice.  No, I have a voice, only I don’t feel like using it.  You feel invisible.  No, I am visible.  You feel chained or trapped.  No, I don’t.  You’re afraid or angry all the time.  Sometimes I am angry.  Hmm.  Am I angry now?  You know what?  I just might be.

You are always tired.  No, not anymore, not since I started taking zeolite.  You are depressed for no apparent reason or you are neither depressed nor happy.  Yes, more of the latter, just a feeling of blech.

You are leading a fake life.  No.  Something in you died.  Yes, I suspect that.  You feel overly responsible for and to everybody.  No.  I am only responsible for myself.

The major wounds that cause lost wildness (already I am feeling lost wildness is my problem of the moment, I lost it, I miss it):  You were brought up not to see, hear, speak what you really feel.  You were brought up like the three monkeys.  Your art was never nurtured. Oh, yes, nobody even viewed me as an artist.  You were lost as peacemaker.  Ha!  You had to take on men’s roles.  Aha!  That’s me.

What do I do now?  Maybe if I were my old self I would have answers.  But I no longer am, and I need to explore new answers.  I call up Rose Yenko and ask if she has any new basic Jung seminars that I might attend to help me get out of this mood.  What do you know?  She has!  How timely!  It’s called Exploring the Self and it begins on June 7.  I am joining again.

In case you feel any of the things I went through earlier, and are thinking of joining, too,  Jung seminars are the experience of a lifetime.  I love them.  If you are interested please call Rose Yenko at 0916-30223763 or Sophie Bate at 0917-5276279.  Call them.   Do not call me.  They have all the information you want.  I don’t.  I told you already, I am out of sorts, not in the mood for anything.  That’s why I called and asked and got accepted.

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Please send your comments to lilypad@skyinet.net or secondwind.barbara@gmail.com or text 0917-8155570