His cheating heart
February 10, 2007 | 12:00am
With Valentine’s Day just a few days away, gestures of love could cost as much as the Bulgari necklace the wife has been whining for or as inexpensive but nevertheless as meaningful as a bouquet of red roses from Dangwa Market.
I hate to sound cynical about love because I am in love with love, but Valentine’s Day reminds me of so many tales about the cheating hearts around us. We hear these stories from friends of friends or from the poor victims themselves who have no qualms about pouring their heartaches over their husband’s betrayals.
My friend Melanie’s husband ordered from the same florist two expensive bouquets of their most beautiful arrangements: One to be sent to his wife and the other to his girlfriend. The florist interchanged the cards and you guessed it, World War III exploded. He lost his girlfriend but not his wife, who decided to keep him in spite of his chronic infidelities.
Melanie also told me about this funny incident: One early morning, at about 3 a.m., her hubby woke up and like a zombie started to get dressed. Wifey woke up and asked him where he was going, and he answered, "I have to go home," not realizing he was home.
Another popular story is about our friend’s husband who had two dinners every Valentine. He would always make it a point to organize his group of friends to go to a Valentine concert with him and his wife. A meeting with the boss would always pop up at the last second, prompting his wife to go ahead to the concert with the rest of the group. He would, of course, appear at the last hour pretending to be tired and harassed over the demands of the boss. This went on for some years until one day, wifey became smart and decided to follow him from the office. She ended up following him to a restaurant near the venue of their supposed concert. A sexier-than-thou, cleavage-exposed young chick met him by the entrance and greeted him with a tight hug and a wet kiss. Wifey couldn’t help her rage and hit him with her bag so hard he almost passed out. The sexy chick ran for her life! The couple separated soon after this incident. They tried to resolve their differences but in vain. The husband’s cheating mindset was just too ingrained in his character, it would need a miracle to change this man and miracles are hard to come by in this day and age.
My girlfriend is actually a very attractive woman, beautiful in an elegant way, and still turns a lot of heads. She was the perfect wife and mother. What else could a man ask for? But marriage experts say that philandering men want variety. To them, having two women who are identical would be tantamount to having two wives  not quite their ideal situation. They find having two different types exhilarating and exciting.
Psychologist Dr. Kit Ng, who has been counseling married couples for over 20 years, says that most often men say that the other woman does not nag the way his wife does. "What these men don’t realize is that when you don’t live with someone, you don’t show her your flaws so she has nothing to nag about."
The philandering man also says that the girlfriend is willing to do everything in the bedroom that the wife does not do. Cheaters often complain about how frigid their wives are or how chronically boring their sex life is with their wives compared to the exciting sex life with the other woman. A cheating Lothario once confessed to me that his girlfriend would pat strawberry jam all over his chest and lick it off. And this he found exciting. Yuck!
"Looking for sex outside your marriage is a choice you make consciously, no one forces you into it. If there are problems in a marriage, you have to deal with them. Having an affair is not the solution," says Dr. John Van Epp, a relationship guru and author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk. "Many times, the affair is much more than just physical. While there are serial two-timers who have one-night stands, it is not uncommon for illicit affairs to turn into genuine emotional attachments. Take the example of Edward, an account executive in his 40s. Ten years into his marriage and he decided to enroll in a ballroom dance class. His wife did not share his love for dance so he went alone. He met Lisa, a single mother who was into the hair salon business. Being the only "singles" in the class, (the others were with their spouses) they ended up being dance partners and soon fell in love. The moral of this story: Join your husband when he decides to go ballroom dancing, even if you have two left feet.
Dr. Van Epp says that a philanderer escapes from fixing the problems in his marriage by creating another world. A world where he and his mistress are sublimely happy and nothing else exists. "They go into a bubble and they don’t like life outside that bubble. They become addicted to the love drug, that intense euphoric feeling that everyone has at the beginning of any relationship. It’s even more powerful in an affair because there is something about a secret liaison that intensifies feelings of arousal and attraction," he explains.
Counselors also believe that this so-in-love mindset helps cheaters justify their infidelity. By convincing themselves that it is a meaningful romance, they feel less guilty about betraying their partner. A flawed logic by any means, but then again, philanderers are good at deceiving everyone including themselves.
Another thing a psychologist told me that really struck a cord is that affairs are contagious! Hang around with people who think cheating is okay and eventually you will too!
What should wives do if they catch their husbands being unfaithful?
Dr. Ng says that if you know for sure he has been unfaithful, there are only two options: Stay with him and forgive him, or leave him and move on. Seeking counseling from a trained professional may help you decide whether you should stay or go.
Dr. Van Epp says that ultimately it’s about love. If the relationship has a good history and you really love him, and he is willing to end the affair, then it is possible to make it work. However, if you feel very betrayed and you are not able to forgive, or if your husband continues to defy your trust and breaks his own promises, then you need to think deeply!
He continues: "Some people cheat because they are lousy characters, cheaters through and through. Others are good people who made bad choices and put themselves on the slippery slope of adultery."
Which one is your husband? Once you have figured him out, the decision on whether to leave him or not becomes an easier one to make.
I hate to sound cynical about love because I am in love with love, but Valentine’s Day reminds me of so many tales about the cheating hearts around us. We hear these stories from friends of friends or from the poor victims themselves who have no qualms about pouring their heartaches over their husband’s betrayals.
My friend Melanie’s husband ordered from the same florist two expensive bouquets of their most beautiful arrangements: One to be sent to his wife and the other to his girlfriend. The florist interchanged the cards and you guessed it, World War III exploded. He lost his girlfriend but not his wife, who decided to keep him in spite of his chronic infidelities.
Melanie also told me about this funny incident: One early morning, at about 3 a.m., her hubby woke up and like a zombie started to get dressed. Wifey woke up and asked him where he was going, and he answered, "I have to go home," not realizing he was home.
Another popular story is about our friend’s husband who had two dinners every Valentine. He would always make it a point to organize his group of friends to go to a Valentine concert with him and his wife. A meeting with the boss would always pop up at the last second, prompting his wife to go ahead to the concert with the rest of the group. He would, of course, appear at the last hour pretending to be tired and harassed over the demands of the boss. This went on for some years until one day, wifey became smart and decided to follow him from the office. She ended up following him to a restaurant near the venue of their supposed concert. A sexier-than-thou, cleavage-exposed young chick met him by the entrance and greeted him with a tight hug and a wet kiss. Wifey couldn’t help her rage and hit him with her bag so hard he almost passed out. The sexy chick ran for her life! The couple separated soon after this incident. They tried to resolve their differences but in vain. The husband’s cheating mindset was just too ingrained in his character, it would need a miracle to change this man and miracles are hard to come by in this day and age.
My girlfriend is actually a very attractive woman, beautiful in an elegant way, and still turns a lot of heads. She was the perfect wife and mother. What else could a man ask for? But marriage experts say that philandering men want variety. To them, having two women who are identical would be tantamount to having two wives  not quite their ideal situation. They find having two different types exhilarating and exciting.
Psychologist Dr. Kit Ng, who has been counseling married couples for over 20 years, says that most often men say that the other woman does not nag the way his wife does. "What these men don’t realize is that when you don’t live with someone, you don’t show her your flaws so she has nothing to nag about."
The philandering man also says that the girlfriend is willing to do everything in the bedroom that the wife does not do. Cheaters often complain about how frigid their wives are or how chronically boring their sex life is with their wives compared to the exciting sex life with the other woman. A cheating Lothario once confessed to me that his girlfriend would pat strawberry jam all over his chest and lick it off. And this he found exciting. Yuck!
"Looking for sex outside your marriage is a choice you make consciously, no one forces you into it. If there are problems in a marriage, you have to deal with them. Having an affair is not the solution," says Dr. John Van Epp, a relationship guru and author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk. "Many times, the affair is much more than just physical. While there are serial two-timers who have one-night stands, it is not uncommon for illicit affairs to turn into genuine emotional attachments. Take the example of Edward, an account executive in his 40s. Ten years into his marriage and he decided to enroll in a ballroom dance class. His wife did not share his love for dance so he went alone. He met Lisa, a single mother who was into the hair salon business. Being the only "singles" in the class, (the others were with their spouses) they ended up being dance partners and soon fell in love. The moral of this story: Join your husband when he decides to go ballroom dancing, even if you have two left feet.
Dr. Van Epp says that a philanderer escapes from fixing the problems in his marriage by creating another world. A world where he and his mistress are sublimely happy and nothing else exists. "They go into a bubble and they don’t like life outside that bubble. They become addicted to the love drug, that intense euphoric feeling that everyone has at the beginning of any relationship. It’s even more powerful in an affair because there is something about a secret liaison that intensifies feelings of arousal and attraction," he explains.
Counselors also believe that this so-in-love mindset helps cheaters justify their infidelity. By convincing themselves that it is a meaningful romance, they feel less guilty about betraying their partner. A flawed logic by any means, but then again, philanderers are good at deceiving everyone including themselves.
Another thing a psychologist told me that really struck a cord is that affairs are contagious! Hang around with people who think cheating is okay and eventually you will too!
What should wives do if they catch their husbands being unfaithful?
Dr. Ng says that if you know for sure he has been unfaithful, there are only two options: Stay with him and forgive him, or leave him and move on. Seeking counseling from a trained professional may help you decide whether you should stay or go.
Dr. Van Epp says that ultimately it’s about love. If the relationship has a good history and you really love him, and he is willing to end the affair, then it is possible to make it work. However, if you feel very betrayed and you are not able to forgive, or if your husband continues to defy your trust and breaks his own promises, then you need to think deeply!
He continues: "Some people cheat because they are lousy characters, cheaters through and through. Others are good people who made bad choices and put themselves on the slippery slope of adultery."
Which one is your husband? Once you have figured him out, the decision on whether to leave him or not becomes an easier one to make.
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