Infidelity: Know the warning signs

The movie Unfaithful, with heartthrob Richard Gere as the unsuspecting husband of an unfaithful wife, played by Diane Lane, was a blockbuster at the box office. Not only because of the megastar status of Richard Gere but because the subject matter, infidelity, is something that everybody can relate to. Hey, we know of so many broken relationships because one or the other was unfaithful. The question is, did you ever think that cheating is something that can never happen to your relationship? You hope and wish not, but don’t ever take for granted that it could never happen to you.

Statistics from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy suggest that 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands have had sex outside their marriage. Twenty percent indulge in emotional affairs without sex.

In the book Daring Wives: Insight into Women’s Desires for Extramarital Affairs, the author Frances Cohen Praver, PhD, who is a clinical psychologist in New York, states that straying is not inevitable.

"For the most part, people don’t just go out and cheat. There are warnings. The good news is, knowing the common signs and addressing them head-on can save your relationship from infidelity."

Here are some red-flag signs that we should be aware of:

Warning No. 1: Crying Out For Help

When your partner tells you, "this marriage isn’t working," or "I am not happy," you’d better heed these words and believe it. Your partner would not tell you something as serious as that if he/she did not mean it. Your partner is reaching out so you can save the marriage.

Marriage-saving solution: Have a dialogue with each other and work out a plan to change what is making the other one unhappy. If you can’t get anywhere, consider couples therapy.

Warning No. 2: Sudden Change Or Interest In Appearance

Is your husband talking about getting Botox to eliminate his frown lines? Did your wife recently start coloring her hair and buying sexy dresses and underwear? If so, experts say, he or she may be on the prowl.

Solution: If you can’t beat them, join them! If you are fairly certain that there is no third party involved, your mate could just be undergoing a phase in life where he or she wants to look better. It could be part of a midlife crisis. Join in, agree that he could look better with Botox, try to look better yourself and spice up your relationship with these changes.

Warning No. 3: Unconstructive Criticism

If your partner says, "You need to see a psychiatrist," "You need help," "Get a job," "Lose weight," or "Go to the gym," and is constantly critical, it’s all part of the scheme, which is that there is something wrong with you! This is pointed out by Elizabeth Landers in the book The Script: The 100 Percent Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat. "Unconsciously, they are setting it up to say their partner was nuts and wouldn’t even go for help!" These things happen 100 percent of the time.

Solution: If a man says "I have grown and you haven’t," the natural reaction is that he is being critical and insulting. But talking about feelings is good, Landers says, so encourage him to talk more because he will feel that you understand him. If he tells you he finds some women attractive, don’t say, "I don’t want to hear that." Much as you dislike to hear it, encourage him to talk about the women he finds attractive so he will feel that he can talk to you about anything. As long as it is just talking and no action, it’s healthy in a relationship to hear him speak of other attractive women. Talk to him about the men you find attractive so he will not feel that it is a one-way street.

Warning No. 4: The Tony Soprano-Style Guilt Gift

In the TV series The Sopranos, mobster Tony Soprano often presents his wife with lavish jewels so she will look the other way about his extramarital activities. This is to prove that he really is not cheating because "See, I just gave you a very expensive bracelet!" But don’t be fooled, says Landers. It’s often done out of guilt or to prove to themselves that even if they cheat, they are really good to their wife.

Solution: Nip it in the bud. Addressing infidelity early, even with no concrete evidence, can save the marriage. "Speak up early because when something’s wrong, it probably is. Trust your instincts because a wife’s instincts are often correct."

Warning Number 5: Sneaking

Sneaking is when a partner takes secret cellphone calls on the porch, far from hearing distance of his/her mate or when he/she is out on weeknights, whereas he/she used to be home watching TV. "If you see that a person is not around much and is gone on different nights, something could be fishy," says psychologist Paver.

Solution: Confrontation. Obviously, there is no other solution but to confront your partner. If he or she is guilty, it is up to the both of you to forgive and stay married or to separate. "Confessing and telling the truth is the first step to rebuilding trust." The pain of betrayal will be there, but once the partner sees the sincerity in the partner’s desire to save the marriage, trust can be rebuilt.

Praver says that affairs don’t necessarily mean a marriage is over. "An affair can bring about a change for the better," she says.

Addressing infidelity early in the game can truly save a marriage.

I am right now thinking of a close friend who allowed her husband to fool her for 27 years, using golf as an excuse. He would disappear for 10 hours and supposedly be on the golf course. What she did not know was that he was playing 19 holes of golf as he played only with attractive women. And lately, with his pretty golf pro. After she did some masterful detective work that would put Inspector Clouseau to shame, she put the pieces together, and finally realized that she was the victim of a cunning mind – a sneaky philanderer who beat Tony Soprano and others of his ilk. Still ravishingly beautiful but 27 years older, she filed for divorce so she can move on with her life and get the love that she rightfully deserves. Her No. 1 criteria? "He must be faithful, faithful and most of all, super-faithful!" and emphatically adds, "One more thing: he should not be a golfer!"