How do I trust thee? Let me count the ways

Trust. The dictionary defines it as "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing." I would assume that the key words in this definition are "reliance and integrity." In reviewing our relationships with friends and the people dear to us, we have, at one point or another in our lives, been reluctant to offer or accept trust. Especially after a betrayal by a husband, wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, employer or friend. I know I have been in this situation and the result was pain, misery and confusion. Trust is difficult to restore after a betrayal, and the betrayed takes a long time to heal. The "betrayer" has to move heaven and earth to restore that trust, if he/she cares for the person he/she has betrayed. Yet having a healthy, balanced sense of trust is the bedrock of life. Can you imagine a life without trusting anyone? Trust and how we relate to our fellowmen hold our lives together. Without it, governments could not rule, people could not work cooperatively, and partners could not marry.

After a failed marriage, I developed a fear of trusting any man. But along the way, I healed, and with my spirits almost restored (one can’t really totally be restored after a betrayal), I moved on and was able to accept and give love again. But every now and then, the experience of losing trust in friends, in our government, and business relationships recur in the everyday humdrum of living, which disillusions me. But life goes on, with or without trust, and after reading an article called "In Trust We Trust," I overcame my fear of trusting others.

When we trust, we have a confident dependence on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. We rely on that someone for a future action. Lovers commit to each other and trust in each other’s fidelity, a bank client relies on his bank to make his money grow, an employee relies on his company for his livelihood. From this perspective, trust is a contingent emotional feeling, highly conditional in nature and subject to reappraisal.

While Buddha and other spiritual teachers did not reject this conditional view, they also understood trust as a means of finding freedom from the endless cycles of fear and want. There are three kinds of trust:

1) Transactional trust, which occurs in our daily life. In the workplace, it translates as management trusting employees and vice versa; in relationships, it means sharing intimacy. In friendship, mutual respect. Transactional trust is based on the assumption that trust will continue in the future. It is a time-centric, emotional view of the past and future, largely performance-based, it involves an agreed-upon exchange, and is measured by the outcome.

By definition, transactional trust brings to mind the experience of a family member with one of the prestigious banks in Manila. Upon the recommendation of one of the bank’s top-level executives, he invested millions of hard-earned pesos in a project that the bank had with a "reputable" big-time real estate developer-turned-politician. The "reputable" developer-turned politician defaulted on the investors and, in short, lots were paid in place of the investment. But the lots’ value did not measure up to the investor’s money. Instead of getting zilch for his money, he had no choice but to accept the unjust terms of the exchange. Do you think this politician is to be trusted? With politicians like him, no wonder our country is in the state it is now. I hear a lot of horror stories that defy the principles of transactional trust. Like that of a friend, a foreign lady whose rental deposit was not returned by her landlord. It turns out that her landlord has a bad reputation in this posh Makati Village for his unfair practice of not returning his lessee’s security deposit. She will leave our country with the idea that Filipinos are a dishonest breed because of her dishonest landlord.

2) "Innate trust" is the understanding that external conditions are in the end not a reliable source of happiness or meaning because they are always changing. You don’t get what you want, or you get it and then lose it, or you no longer want it, or else something happens and you can no longer enjoy it. Innate trust accepts the hard fact of life that things are always changing, the future is uncertain, and wants and fears are endless.

With innate trust, one gains strength of mind and objectivity and freedom. It is not the same as transactional trust. If, for example, you were cheated by your boss, you will not allow it to ruin your life. It is a moment of unpleasantness that you have to deal with. But it does not mean transactional trust is irrelevant because you will need it to function in daily life. But as you mature, what matters now is how you face life’s broader challenges. While you certainly don’t want to be betrayed by a lover or a friend or let down by a boss, what really matters is what you are inside.

3) Another kind of trust, which is often a hindrance to developing innate trust, is "demand or false trust." It is illustrated in the words "I trust you to meet my needs." Or "I trust you not to change," or "I trust you not to betray me." Demand trust is a form of aggression and attributable to either excessive fear, insecurity, or trickery and manipulation. What makes this form of trust so damaging is that it can undermine the possibility of innate trust. However, once recognized for what it is, you can lessen its impact by either removing yourself from the situation or by insisting on a transactional discussion.

As Walter Anderson once said, " We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone, but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy." And since love is the joy of life, trust – whether transactional, innate or the demand kind – is so vital in our daily lives.