Everything has changed

Almost two years ago I had a stroke. I remember going down to check the dining table I had just set. I looked down at it and when I looked up I told myself everything had changed. I looked around and still the whole place looked the same but in my mind I only knew one thing: Everything had changed. Now I know what did. I had changed only I did not know it then. I did not even know I had a stroke.

Four nights later my daughters wanted to take me to the hospital. It was late for me and I had been asleep all day. I could not move myself to get packed, dressed, go to the hospital. I told them, Tomorrow, I will meet you there tomorrow. They insisted on picking me up at seven. At the hospital I slept as much as I could, as long as I could. Now I do not know how I could have slept so much. Now I think I must have been making up for all the sleep I lost since I was born. Until today I am still sleeping more than I ever did before my stroke.

Then I was taken to one of my daughters’ homes. There I remember sleeping a lot and reading in between but mixing up the events in the novels so I decided not to read any more. In between the meals and relating minimally, I stared into space, thinking of nothing at all, just being blank. I had to be told what to do. My mother became ill, my children told me to please bring her to the hospital. I did. Then my eldest daughter arrived, picked me up and made me stay at her Rockwell place. "It’s for sale, Mom," she said, "but you and Mamoo can stay here until it is sold." So I moved over there and took care of my mother, all the time believing that I was well but actually it was exactly what my neurologist told me: It would take me about two years to get well and then I would discover that I would no longer be the person I was before.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to others who have survived strokes to compare notes. What did the stroke permanently change in you? I have no feelings except irritation. I get irritated very easily now. Apart from that I know I don’t feel any more. I am much quieter now and more inclined towards routine. I have a set week and follow it closely. I have a quiet alone life in a condo in Makati. This suits me just fine though I know that I am in transition from a stroke to normalcy but right now I cannot define what normalcy is. It still has to take shape.

I began teaching writing again last year, very timidly because I did not know if I could do it, but I did. I still knew how. In February of this year I decided to pick up on my morning ritual — Morning Pages, runes, Simple Abundance, The Artist’s Way. Except for the Morning Pages, which is recommended by The Artist’s Way, these are all books I have had for a long time but never dutifully read. When I get up in the morning, I sit at my desk and write three pages of my stuff, nothing brilliant, just stuff. Then I pick a rune from a velvet bag and look it up in three rune books. I draw the rune at the bottom of my Morning Pages just to educate me, to make me remember what it means. In this I continue to fail but I do it anyway. Then I read what the date says in Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance, which I like very much, and which follows a calendar’s format. After that I read The Artist’s Way again and even did the exercises. I had read this before but had forgotten it. Now I am done with it and have begun The Vein of Gold.

Since this ritual which I began in February, I have recovered even faster. I am now very happy to be living alone. Sometimes I live in a mess, other times I have a very neat apartment. Every Saturday morning I go to the market and end that with the purchase of a flowering plant for my porch. My home is beautifully me now even as I pack up and sell my Calamba things and pray for the sale of my house.

It is now almost two years. I am getting well, teaching better, teaching more. I was almost right then: Not everything had changed. Only I have changed.

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