My boyfriend invades my privacy

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. He has always been in control of literally everything that we do. On our first date, he decided where we were going for dinner without asking me about my food preference. He would ask only occasionally. Because I have always been the dominant person in past relationships, I found this a refreshing change. I let him decide everything for us because luckily, I approve of most of his decisions. Besides, I am so busy running my own garment business so I’m grateful that he plans all our activities. I thought he was a very confident man until I caught him going through my desk and files when he thought I was not looking. I go to Hong Kong and Bangkok quite often to meet with my different garment manufacturers, mostly males, and I maintain correspondence with them. Because of my long-term business relationships with them, we have become friendly and on certain occasions, they send me greeting cards, some of them touchingly sweet. Like one of them said, "You are beautiful and smart, it’s a pleasure doing business with you, etc." My boyfriend questioned me about all this and we had a big fight. I didn’t like the fact that he went through my personal belongings. I have all the right to break up with him because of this invasion of privacy. Even if we are compatible in a lot of ways and I love him dearly, I think this is a mortal sin on his part. I cannot deal with insecurities of this kind. Am I being too drastic? – ZENIA

Going through a partner’s personal private files is a super no-no in any relationship. When one person is suspicious of the other, there must be a reason. He probably got insecure of you somewhere along the way without your realizing it. Maybe you travel a bit too much or he probably sees a lot of men giving you the eye when you are in public together. Whatever the reasons, he has no right to go through your files unless he is willing to make a decision about what he finds out. A lady friend of mine went through her husband’s X-Files, found a lot of love letters from different liaisons, got herself a lawyer and divorced him without much ado. Another lady friend did the same, got hysterical but still stayed in the marriage though miserably tortured and tormented. Two different reactions to the same scenario. In your case, only you can decide what to do. Ask him why he did it. He probably is looking for a way out of the relationship by making you angry like this. Looking for evidences so he has a "causus belli" to say fini to the relationship. Did you think of that angle? Talk it out with him. You probably were too busy to notice that something was amiss!

* * * What Does Vacuous Mean?

I am sweet 16 and I was just chosen class muse with most of the votes coming from the boys in class. I hear that most of the boys in my class have a crush on me, but I am not particularly attracted to anyone of them except to one in particular who doesn’t seem to pay me any attention. Then one of the girls, who I am not too friendly with (for some reason I find her offensive and maybe the feeling is mutual), told me that she overheard our male classmates talking and my crush said that the reason he is not interested in me is that he finds me "vacuous." I don’t know if she just made that up as I have never really heard that word used before, certainly not by the guys I talk with. I have a feeling she just wants to show off to me that new word (which I still have to look up in the dictionary if I have the time and the money to buy one). I have a mind to confront that guy if he really said it. I think that word is quite insulting. Am I right in my assumption? – LEILANI

That word sounds uncommon, I doubt if a lot of young students know it. But you guessed right! That word is pretty insulting. If somebody describes you as "vacuous," that person doesn’t think too highly of your intellect. "Vacuous" comes from the Latin word vacare, meaning to empty; used as an adjective, it means empty. Thus, a vacuous remark is one lacking in intelligence. This man owes you an apology if he really said it. It’s very ungentlemanly of him to insult a young lady like you in that manner. Maybe your lady classmate who doesn’t like you is just creating some intrigue. It’s best to ignore both of them and prove them wrong by having high marks and graduating with honors. Now, that’s a real challenge.

* * * ‘All I Want For Christmas’

I was married to a very wealthy industrialist but unfortunately, after four children, I decided to leave him as I couldn’t stand his infidelities. But I couldn’t bring any of my children with me for financial reasons. On hindsight, I should have explained to them why I was leaving, but how can I tell little children that their father is a womanizer? I didn’t want to cloud their vision of love and marriage by saying that. He accused me of abandoning the homestead, hence I was not entitled to any support. There was no family code yet at that time, nothing to protect us poor women, so from a wealthy woman, I was reduced to almost threadbare poverty. Not instantly, because for the first few years I sold my jewelry and lived on the proceeds until there was nothing to sell anymore. But that’s getting ahead of my story. My husband indoctrinated my children into thinking that I abandoned them and didn’t love them. He prohibited me from seeing them. I couldn’t talk to any of my former household help as they were too scared to talk to me. I know that this sounds like a soap opera but it is the honest truth. Now that my husband is dead and my children are grown, a family friend tried to bring us back together as a family. I tried to talk to my children, but only one responded and for that I am very happy. The other three wouldn’t even hear of it! It breaks my heart as a mother. I have tried all means to reconcile with my only daughter but her heart seems to be made of stone. What do you suggest I do? There is nothing more I would like this Christmas than for my other children to speak to me again. – LIEZEL

The person who could help you here is the child who is on speaking terms with you. I am sure by now, you must have explained to him the circumstances of your leaving them and the fact that he is already talking to you means he has forgiven you. Write your other children a letter, straight from a mother’s heart and ask for their forgiveness. Give it to your son to give to them but your son has to help you also in acting as your mediator. If your children are God-fearing and go to church, maybe a priest or a pastor could talk to them. Most children who have been adopted spend years searching for their biological parents even if they love their adopted parents. For in the hearts of children, nothing can replace parental love. So do not despair. Keep up the vigilance in wanting to see them. If your letter doesn’t touch them now, write them again on another occasion. Being abandoned by a mother as a child is not easy on the psyche. Your children grew up without a mother’s love and this must have hurt them so much. Now, it is their turn to hurt you. They have very deep scars in their hearts which are not easy to heal. So you must understand their resistance to your efforts. But as they say, time heals all wounds. In time, with your persistence, they will succumb to your request.

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Send your questions to Mayenne Carmona, Stargate Media, 6th floor, Jaka Bldg., Makati.