Coping with the death of a parent

Grieving is a process that can’t be rushed. It is best to spend time with friends and family for support. Focus on staying healthy.

Since my mother passed away last December, I have gone to at least one wake every month. Having experienced it never prepared me to properly console a grieving child.

People normally say, “be grateful she is no longer in pain.” And while I totally agree, a part of us never want to let go. Sometimes we question, do we want to prolong her life for ourselves? If she could talk, what would she have wanted?

Talking to the bereaved children, they always say that their mothers were ready to die. Yet as they say that I can feel the pain eating them up inside.

Fortunately for us, my mother’s health deteriorated over a few years, which allowed us more time to take care of her. It also jumpstarted our grief the minute she was diagnosed.

The stages of grief

Web.md reported that doctors have identified five stages of grief. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While people manifest depression in various ways, the signs include crying, sleep problems, lack of appetite, with feelings of overwhelmed, regret and loneliness.

Acceptance is that stage where you understand the reality of your loss. And while the sadness lingers, you are able to go on with your life. 

Grieving is a process that can’t be rushed. It is best to spend time with friends and family for support. Focus on staying healthy through regular exercise, sufficient rest and a balanced diet. 

Web.md also recommends going back to your hobbies and activities that bring you joy. If all fails, look for a grief counselor or a bereavement support group.

The physical toll of grief

Harvard Health Online classified grief into two types: acute and persistent. “Most people experience acute grief, which occurs in the first six to 12 months after a loss and gradually resolves. Some, however, experience persistent grief, which is defined as grief that lasts longer than 12 months,” Harvard Health Online clarified.

The stress related to acute grief can result to depression, trouble sleeping, feelings of anger and bitterness, anxiety, loss of appetite and general aches and pains.

“Men may try to resist grief, but it’s important not to ignore these symptoms, as constant stress can put you at greater risk for a heart attack, stroke and even death, especially in the first few months after losing someone,” said Dr. Eric Bui, associate director for research at the Center for Anxiety and Traumatic Stress Disorders and Complicated Grief Program at Harvard-affiliated Massachusetts General Hospital.

Ways to cope

Dr. Bui published a study online on Nov. 26, 2017 in the American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Medicine that outlined a specially designed eight-week mind-body program to help reduce stress in older adults who have lost a spouse. 

The coping strategies include mind-body activities such as yoga, tai chi,or qigong. These activities help you relax and reverse the effects of stress and anxiety on a molecular level (according to a study in the June 2017 Frontiers in Immunology).

It is also best to maintain a healthy diet. Stress can trigger cravings for sugar and fat. A well-balanced diet with plenty of vegetables, fruits and lean proteins, and drinking plenty of water should be the norm.

Grieving people either have trouble falling asleep or sleep too much. “Going to bed at regular hours, following a bedtime routine, and avoiding caffeine and alcohol in the evening helps with more restful sleep,” noted Dr. Bui.

Exercise, even as simple as a daily walk can help ease depression and improve one’s mood.  You may also opt to engage in new responsibilities. “Taking on a new responsibility can keep your mind focused on a task and distract you from your grief,” he said.

Finally, do not isolate yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family. This is a crucial time to maintain connections with others. “This reminds you that you are not alone, and even if you feel isolated, there may be family members, friends, or even neighbors who can give a supportive hand,” explained Dr. Bui. 

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Post me a note at mylene@goldsgym.com.ph or mylenedayrit@gmail.com.