‘It’s a struggle as to what he wants vs. what I want’

Dear Eppy,

I am in a relationship but don’t know what to do at this point.  My boyfriend and I have been together since 2013.  Although I love him, I end up always in pain.  I don’t feel he loves me.  I started feeling this way about two years ago.  On our first year, we were so much in love with each other.  We were planning for my birthday and everything was set.  Then two weeks before my birthday, my boyfriend told me we had to change plans because his boss was sending him to the US for a business deal he had to close.  He told me that our plans of going to Hong Kong on my birthday would have to be moved a month later.  He said he promised to make that trip happen.  But I was so upset that we fought.  It was a bad fight.  I ended up telling him I didn’t want to go to Hong Kong anymore.  He said it was a choice I had to make.

From that time on, we’ve always been fighting.  It’s always a struggle as to what he wants vs. what I want.  I find him selfish and thinking of nothing but himself. Just recently, I discovered that he was out with his friends on a certain day before the weekend we were to go on a trip out of town.  I discovered this because he asked me if I wanted to go with them.  I told him that it was a foolish idea to go out the day before our trip as it would make the two of us tired and we wouldn’t have the energy for our trip.  It was as though I wasn’t important to him at all.

I sometimes want to leave the relationship, but at the same time, it’s so hard to leave him. I’m always miserable. I need help!            

Ms. Ambivalent

Dear Ms. Ambivalent,

When we are in pain, it is because we have certain ways of perceiving things that make us usually translate an experience into a negative one.  That means suffering, and misery.  But we have a choice.  For example, if you are sick of a bad cold and your boyfriend went to work, you are given a choice of translating that into a situation of being neutral, negative, and positive.

Translating the event as a neutral situation, you may see it as an unimportant event and will not spend energy on it.  You may translate the event as positive by thinking that you have a boyfriend who thinks of working to earn money for the future when you get married.  You are spending energy on this, but this energy is positive, giving you a sense of well-being.  You may also translate this event into something negative by seeing your boyfriend as an uncaring boyfriend, not considering that your cold can turn into pneumonia.  This way of perceiving the event will lead to thoughts that destroy your sense of well-being.  It will make you think that your boyfriend does not love you, has someone else at the office, or will make a poor husband because when you get married, he will go somewhere else even if you have to stay home because you have cancer.  These are only a few of the negative thoughts.  There are more.  The point is, negative energy does not promote a sense of well-being.

It is quite obvious to me that there is a power struggle between you and your boyfriend.  It started because of an event that your boyfriend had to go through.  He could not tell his boss that he wouldn’t do the job he was assigned to do because he and his girlfriend had made plans.  He can actually lose his job.

You preferred to translate this event into a negative one, making your boyfriend a person who you must fight with.  You have made him your enemy.  Your boyfriend has to respond to this attack.  You have made him think that his means of surviving in this world can be destroyed by you because of your need to make him do things to satisfy your need to feel loved.  He now has to show you that you cannot destroy his capacity to survive in this world by contradicting everything you tell him.  The same way, you will now retaliate by contradicting him every time you have the chance.

The two of you must remember why you are together in the first place.  Remember what it is that made you love him?  What is it that made you choose to be with him?  What is it that made you trust him in the past?  He must have had some qualities that made you think that he would always think of your welfare.  Unfortunately, there are some people who experience being loved, but they choose to doubt the love and ask for more till the partner gets tired of it.  Are you that person?  If yes, maybe you should stop doubting your boyfriend and start appreciating him as a person and as a partner.                                                        

Eppy

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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.