Marriage is not about sex but about communicating
DEAR EPPY,
I’d like to comment on the man who wrote to you about his wife who ignores his needs and he ends up falling in love with the teacher of his son. I think the reason for his wife’s coldness is she might be having an affair because maybe her husband isn’t good in bed.
Women who are satisfied in bed usually stick to their men (speaking from experience).
EXPERIENCED WOMAN
DEAR EXPERIENCED WOMAN,
Before I respond to you, allow me to address my other readers. Experienced Woman refers to my article published on Nov. 17, 2015.
I will have to agree with you that there is a possibility that the wife may be having an affair. However, I do not agree that every wife has the intention of dismissing her husband because he is rated poor in bed or has problems. I know of a lot of women who don’t have enough sex from their husbands or feel deprived of sexual contact. Yet, they stick it out with their husbands because they love them.
I even hear about women’s complaints that their husbands cheat on them and these husbands get sex elsewhere. They don’t get sex from their husbands, yet they stay. Whatever the case may be, whatever you judge them to be, keeping their husbands does not say something about their husbands. It says something about them as women and human beings. Try labeling a woman who leaves her husband because he lacks abilities. Try labeling a woman who stays with her husband in spite of his inability to give her pleasure. What do you call her? A better name than the former.
Marriage and loving another human being is not about sex and taking pleasure from your partner only. Marriage and loving someone is about communicating and relating. It is about letting a partner know things that are unpleasant or pleasant, pleasurable or not pleasurable, sad or happy, angry or scared, and anything two people can talk about so they get to know more about each other.
The very thing you imply is the reason why men cheat on their wives. Some say they seek other women, aside from their wives, because their wives are not capable of giving them good sex. They won’t leave their wives, but they would continually cheat on them and hurt them. Some say that they can’t stand the selfishness and nagging of their wives, that’s why they leave their wives. But, honestly, everyone is capable of change. All that needs to be done is talk.
It is mean and cruel to think of human beings as objects to derive pleasure from. If a man has a sexual problem, it is not humane to ignore his feelings as it is not humane to leave a wife because she is frigid. People with sexual problems need compassion and love, not ridicule and isolation.
People have feelings and are capable of feeling hurt. If something is wrong, then two people can talk about it and find solutions that would make it a win-win situation for both. That’s the difference between human beings and animals. We speak, we reflect, and we are capable of being fair to ourselves and others as well.
I have mentioned that the man we both refer to is a victim of circumstance. I prefer to see the wife as also a victim of circumstance and she just doesn’t know how to deal with things. People are not bad. You just think they are. I think you need a better perspective of the world. Yes, it is true that there are unkind people. But not everyone is unkind. There are good people, too.
Thank you for your email. This serves as a reminder to the younger generation that sex is not to be treated as an act of selfishness. Rather, sex is an act of communication and kindness, which implies to the other person our ability to love and to be tender to another human being, not to be cruel and unkind. The younger generation who reads this knows “what not to do.” They now know that how we treat others is not about others, it is about us. To hate someone because they are stupid does not say that the other is truly stupid. Instead, it tells us that to call someone stupid is to be cruel and unkind. EPPY
* * *
Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.
