Don’t use sex as a basis for a meaningful relationship

DEAR EPPY,

I am male and 44 years old. I got out of a relationship because my ex-girlfriend left me for someone else.  Now, I am with someone 16 years younger than me.  We go out on dates.  The other day, my ex-girlfriend sent me a message telling me that if I wanted to see her again, I would have to dump my new girlfriend. 

It just so happens that a friend of my ex-girlfriend saw me and my present girlfriend while we were walking at the mall.  She does not want to leave her present lover for me but demands that I leave my present girlfriend.  I am kind of confused about this.  Why is she requiring me to leave my girlfriend, but she won’t do the same thing for me?  What’s worse is she says she will see me occasionally, which means that she will see me when she has time to “escape” from her lover.

I am tempted to leave my new girlfriend because I love my ex-girlfriend.  She is able to satisfy my sexual needs all the time.  Am I wrong to use sexual satisfaction as the basis for maintaining a meaningful relationship?

SEX OBSESSED MALE LOVER

DEAR SEX OBSESSED MALE LOVER,

Good question.  If sex is your main criteria for a relationship, then your relationship is put under the category of a sexual relationship. Others call this “...friends with benefits” or “F*** buddies.”  Be aware and mindful of what you say.  How can a relationship be meaningful if you are focused on the sexual part of it? If you were 15 years old, then I would understand and be more patient about what you said.  But you are 40-something who should bring with you years of experience where you can label things and file them under certain categories.

That being said, my answer to your question is “...yes, you are wrong in using sex as the basis for having a meaningful relationship.”  A true meaningful relationship is a connection between two people in the area of intelligence, emotions, and the physical.  All three aspects of the relationship are present.  Not one, not two, but three aspects.  Therefore, if you find someone you find attractive and sexually satisfying, but is intellectually inferior to your intelligence, and insensitive to your feelings, then that relationship is not going anywhere.

Maybe it is time to leave your present girlfriend, not for the reason you mentioned but because she doesn’t have to go through a relationship with a person who does not love her.  Your present girlfriend deserves to be treated like a queen.  She deserves to be loved with compassion and empathy.  She deserves to wake up in the morning knowing that there is someone who cares for her deeply and who thinks about her welfare.  She deserves to be the focus of someone’s love.

Actually, I think you are treating your new girlfriend the way you are being treated by your ex-girlfriend.  Your ex-girlfriend thinks that the world owes her a favor and everyone has to bend to her every whim.  What is amazing is that you actually allow her to treat you like a toy.  You can’t see this because you have been used to being treated this way by people in your life, past and present.

Try to be more sensitive to yourself.  Try to love yourself more. Be sensitive to how you feel.  It’s okay to feel bad that someone ignores you or neglects you.  It’s okay to believe that you deserve to be treated nicely by others. It’s okay to love someone who treats you like a king and will always consider your feelings.  If you change the way you feel, only then will you be able to find a “meaningful relationship.”                               EPPY

* * *

Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.