Pessimists are more vulnerable to illness

DEAR EPPY,

The holidays have passed and, unlike most people, I don’t feel happy at all.  I know I can be happy if I wanted to, but I don’t know how.  I tried going to workshops to make myself feel good, but it didn’t work.  I’m not saying I am constantly sad.  I am not saying I am depressed.  But I’m not as happy as I would like to be.

Sure, I spent time with my family last Christmas.  I also spent time with them on New Year’s Eve, but I don’t think I’m happy at all.  I hate it when people tell me it’s because I don’t have a boyfriend.  I don’t think that’s the real reason why a person is happy.  I don’t want to believe that not having a significant someone will make me happy.

Can you please teach me how to be happy?

HAPPY SEARCHER

DEAR HAPPY SEARCHER,

You are right in thinking that it is not true that a partner will make you happy.  Sure, it helps a bit, but it is not the reason why a person is happy.  In the article of David G. Meyer entitled, “The Secrets of Happiness,”  in Psychology Today, he explains that there are four things that make people happy: self-esteem, optimism, extroversion, and personal control.

Self-esteem has been a topic of psychology for the longest time.  There is a gamut of research and articles about this topic.  Psychologists have been encouraging people to do something about their self-esteem.

Let me give my two cents worth and add to what Meyers is saying.  I have read that self-esteem is different from self-respect.  Self-esteem has something to do with comparing one’s self to others while self-respect has something to do with acknowledging what one can do.  To explain further, self-esteem is about knowing that one is better at doing business than the average person.  Whereas self-respect is acknowledging that one has the ability to do business without comparing one’s self to anyone.

I believe that Meyers is referring to self-respect more than self-esteem.  But how do we achieve self-respect?  By telling yourself how good you are at what you do.  Meyers suggests that you start describing yourself in a positive way.  Even if it feels fake, just do it.  In time, it will not feel fake and you will feel exactly what you have been saying.  It is really a matter of choice — whether you want to feel good about yourself or you just want to settle for whatever it is you are feeling at the moment.

Optimism is about thinking that everything is going to be fine. Meyers says that optimists are healthier than those who are not.  Meyers mentions that studies show that pessimists are more vulnerable to illness.  So, even if you don’t think everything will turn out all right, Meyers says you must think the exact opposite.  However, he also cautions that being too optimistic can be a problem, too.  For example, it is really silly to think that if you went to a casino and bet your last P100,000 on a card game, you would win P1 million.  One must be also realistic.

Meyers says that happy people are extroverts.  That means they are outgoing and socially active.  They don’t stay home most of the time.  However, I’m kind of confused because Meyers cited the National Institute of Aging as saying, “… Self-assured people who walk into a room full of strangers and warmly introduce themselves may also be more accepting of themselves.”  Therefore, it is possible that one’s self-esteem manifests extroversion.

Meyer also reports that, according to the University of Michigan’s survey, having a sense of control over one’s life predicts that the person will have a positive sense of well-being.  Meyers says that people always think that it is their fault if an event is negative, but if it is a positive event, they don’t see themselves as having something to do with it.  He suggests that people should recognize that they have done things that made an event positive.

So, Happy Searcher, it’s time to think that everything will be great this year of 2015.  Especially that it is a New Year.  You should also see yourself positively and look at all the things that you have done for yourself that put you where you are right now.  For example, you have not mentioned anything lacking in your life.  You have not mentioned anything bad in your life.  Therefore, I’m sure you must have done something good for yourself enough not to feel that you lack something.  Try looking at the things that are in your life right now and appreciate them instead of dismissing or ignoring them.

EPPY

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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.