‘I can’t stop hurting over my former lover’
DEAR EPPY,
I have just read your response about the guy who met an older and married woman at the gym he was going to (2013) and I must say thank you because you really know how to address the person writing to you, making him feel better. I certainly felt better after reading your response.
I swear all those things that the guy said were the exact same things I experienced except that while this guy had difficulty leaving this older woman, I was able to let go of my ex last month (October, 2014). But the truth is, I still hurt so bad. Especially because we dated for two years and fought for seven months because she didn’t want to break off with me and always cried whenever I wanted to leave. I just couldn’t leave, knowing she was in pain. But my reason for leaving was because she didn’t have time for me. I also felt like she had someone else other than her husband.
But I still look at her pictures and I feel like I hurt more each day. I really loved her. I would like to hear from you, especially if you can recommend something for my pain. I’ve been hurting my whole life, losing closest friends and even family and I thought she was all I needed.
FORMER LOVER
DEAR FORMER LOVER,
You need to stop looking at your ex-girlfriend’s pictures if you really want to get over her. Memory has something to do with the pain of separation. Notice that there are some young people who go to different parts of the country to study. In the beginning, you will notice that they frequently will go back home to make themselves feel better or to avoid the experience of homesickness.
This experience of homesickness is also called “separation anxiety.” Separation anxiety is associated with the person’s memory of how things were in the past. Whenever something changes in one’s life, everyday life becomes different from what is stored in this person’s mind. The difference between reality and what was stored in our head makes us anxious, which makes us aware of the experience of emotional pain.
By looking at your ex-girlfriend’s picture, you maintain the memory. Therefore, you are constantly reminded that what was once there before is not there in the present. You have to allow yourself to forget her. You shoulld also stop imagining the times the two of you were together. By imagining her, you retain the memories the same way as it would be when you look at her pictures. Therefore, you would remember her for a longer period than if you didn’t look at her pictures or imagined situations from the past.
If you impulsively reminisce or plan to look at your ex-girlfriend’s pictures, then give it all you’ve got just one last time. For example, get all her pictures and cry as hard as you can and say to yourself (it’s okay to say it out loud) you will never see her again. If you spontaneously stop crying, force yourself to cry another 10 to 15 minutes. You can also go to places where you usually go with her. Stay in front of the place (say a restaurant or a park) and inside your car and start crying, again saying you will never see her again and that you are letting go of her already. Cry until you stop, then force yourself to cry another 10 to 15 minutes and see what that does to you.
As for your “thinking” that this ex of yours is all you need, this is the very “response” that makes it difficult for you to let go of your ex. You have to tell yourself that you lie to yourself whenever you think that only one person is what you need to survive in this world.
Apparently, you have issues about trusting others. For you, there is only one person in this world you can truly trust. These are issues about your mother or your caregiver. You have to go through psychotherapy in order for you to see that the world can be a safe place to be in and there are people who will love you.
EPPY
* * *
Email address: eppygochangco@gmail.com