Should a spouse always tag along a flirtatious partner?

DEAR EPPY,

My close friend (let’s call her Diwata) is into the export of handicraft products and has been meeting with her supplier of raw materials.  The supplier happens to be my friend’s former suitor way back from 20 years ago.  Diwata and her former suitor have gone out to lunch and sometimes for coffee several times in the past months at the World Trade Center restaurant (without the knowledge of her husband, an executive in an insurance company) ostensibly to discuss business.  

This is the reason friends have been prodding her to seek spiritual counsel given the delicate situation she has gotten herself into.  While entirely business in nature, it involves a former suitor.  Someone suggested that Diwata and her husband attend a Marriage Encounter.  Diwata said that is out of the question as her husband is the type who gets jealous easily.

Whenever he can, he joins her in her business meetings just to see to it that her business relationships with her customers (American buyers of her export handicraft products) remain purely business.  He does not allow her to greet their male personal friends with a beso-beso.  That is why she has not told her husband that her major supplier is a former suitor and that they have had business lunches and coffee breaks together.

Diwata said that attending a Marriage Encounter seminar would only spoil their otherwise trouble-free marriage.  She claims she knows of other couples who, after attending such seminars, where former romances or secret loves were revealed, the husbands became doubtful of the purity of their wives prior to their wedding or their faithfulness after, shaking their otherwise stable marriage.   My friend is afraid that if she talks in the Marriage Encounter seminar about her former romances, it would make her husband unreasonably jealous even if they were all chaste. 

My friend also says that if she is not going to talk about her past romances, there is no point in attending a Marriage Encounter seminar. Besides, she says that there is no ember to rekindle as the courtship of the former suitor, now her supplier, never went beyond visits at home and group dates because of the wide social gap between them. She says that at the time he courted her, he was “pobre pa sa daga.”  He was a product of public schools. He worked for a food company, and lived with his parents in an apartment then. Diwata had her entire education at an expensive all-girls’ school in Makati, lived with her parents in Bel-Air, Makati,  and worked in one of the prestigious hotels.  

Now, the former “pobre pa sa daga” suitor has become a successful businessman.  He is a big supplier of indigenous materials to handicraft exporters and is Diwata’s most reliable source of raw materials for her products.  Can you tell us more about Marriage Encounter seminars?  Could they cause doubt in either spouse because of the revelations made during the seminar as Diwata claims?  Would you suggest that Diwata and husband attend one?

CONCERNED FRIEND 

DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND,

I am not the person to ask about Marriage Encounter as I approach marriage and relationships from a different perspective.  However, I would like to share with you the number given by a reader.  They wish to let others know that if they need help through a Marriage Encounter, they can call the telephone numbers 874-5244 or 874-4339.  Ask for Ana Esberto, Boy Aranas, or Dannie Mendez.

As for your friend.  I noticed you used the word “ostensibly,” implying your lack (and others’ lack) of trust in your friend’s intentions.  I think that is society’s problem.  Society judges too much.  It hurts others even when they were already wronged by someone.  For example, a wife who is faithful and takes care of the home and the needs of her husband may be judged that her husband has gone astray because she lacked in something.  All of a sudden, the husband’s decision to betray his wife becomes her fault. 

I think you have to add more information to make it look like Diwata is up to something bad.  By your letter, it cannot be said that she is betraying her husband.  Having coffee with a business associate is not sexual intercourse.  Maybe her ex boyfriend still holds romantic feelings for her.  Maybe not.  But if Diwata is not one bit attractive to him, why should everyone worry? 

Diwata loves her husband even if he is abusive.  I know you didn’t say anything about an abusive husband, but wives (women) are not possessions, the same way that husbands (men) are not possessions.  Spouses shouldn’t be going around tagging along  their partners just to make sure that their partners don’t run away with someone.  Spouses should tag along with their partners because their beauty or presence gives them joy and contentment.

It is always a wonderful experience to be with someone you love.  Every moment and every minute counts.  Watching someone as if that person is a prisoner is not love.  That’s possessiveness and selfishness.   People who always watch their partners are selfish because they focus on their own insecurities and their own fears.  They don’t watch their partners because their partners are flirtatious or there are others who “really” will snatch them away from them.  They are just plain scared because they are horrible people who know that they are not good enough for their partners.

I think the husband needs therapy more than your friend.  He needs to change so she can do business with whoever she wants without having to fear the consequences for no wrong-doing on her part.  Why should she limit her success because of an ignorant jealous husband?  She shouldn’t need to change for her husband at all just because she is a woman.  It is he who needs to change because she deserves to be treated better.                 EPPY

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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.