‘My cousin and I are in love with each other’

DEAR EPPY,

I am a 24-year-old male and very fortunate to be in love with a wonderful 23-year-old woman.  I met her less than a year ago in a family get-together.  The first time I saw her, I knew she was the one I’d want to marry.  She had a wonderful sweet smile.  She had a very innocent look that is so nice to look at.  At that time, she was talking to my mother. 

I intentionally came closer to my mother, hoping that my mother would introduce me to her.  When I was close enough to hear my mother, she said, “This is your cousin.  Do you remember when you were three years old, the two of you would play while her mother and I would spend time chatting?”  Of course, I didn’t remember that time.

I could feel the disappointment on my face and I think I saw a surprised look on my cousin’s face.  Now, I know that the reason why she had a surprised look was because she was also disappointed that I was her cousin because she liked me the same way I liked her.

After the introduction, my mother pulled the two of us to my cousin’s mother and introduced me to her.  After that, my cousin and I just naturally talked as if we were the best of friends for the longest time.  From then on, we were always together.  I would pick her up on weekdays so we could go to work together.  We would meet up right after work, too.  Then we would go out on Saturdays for leisure activities.

This has been going on till today.  We never had sex, but I am so in love with her that I feel so much pain.  She also tells me that she loves me so much.  I don’t know what to do.  Every day is painful for me.  I want to touch her in ways a friend shouldn’t touch her and only a lover would, but I stop myself because I respect her.

One day, I couldn’t help it anymore and I kissed her on her lips.  She was surprised and I was surprised at what I did.  This opened up the conversation about the possibility of us being boyfriend and girlfriend.  We are both so confused right now because we are cousins.  We are worried that there might be something wrong with us.

We need your guidance.  Can you tell me if we will be able to get married?  Is there something wrong with us that my cousin and I are in love with each other?

KISSING COUSIN

DEAR KISSING COUSIN,

Marrying cousins or blood relations has been a matter of controversy for a long time now.  The prohibition of marrying cousins started because of religious beliefs.  Legally, I asked Atty. Gladys Garcia and she confirmed that in the Philippines, it is legal for you to marry your third cousin.

In the Bible, under Leviticus 18: 6-19, it tells us not to have sexual relations with people close to us or people who are close to people close to us.  For example, not only does it prohibit a person from having sexual relations with one’s sibling, it also prohibits a person from having sexual relations with the wife of his father’s brother.  She is not a blood relation, yet it is considered wrong.

Apparently, the writer of the Bible had a very good sense of how to relate with others.  The point of Leviticus 18: 6-19 is to prohibit “wickedness.”  It is wicked to fall in love with your brother’s wife, and then deliberately seduce her to have sexual relations with you. 

Having sex with your brother’s wife implies that your brother, whom you are supposed to love, is considered unimportant and that his feelings are not to be considered at all.  Then, seducing his wife for sexual relations says that you’re teaching the wife to disregard the person she loves the most and teaching her to be cold towards the feelings of this person.  That’s why people who do this are considered traitors and people who betray others.

Scientifically speaking, it is not considered a good option to have sexual relations with blood relatives because of its effects.  The offspring of inbreeding will suffer genetic disorders.  Meaning, the way I understand it, the bad genes of the two parents will be inherited by the child.  Therefore, the child’s and its offspring’s chance of survival becomes less.

Maybe it will be easier for you to understand from the legal point of view, from the scientific point of view, and other views if you understand blood relations in terms of degree.  First-degree relations are parent, child, and sibling; the second-degree blood relations are uncle, aunt, nephew, niece, grandparent, grandchild, and half-sibling; finally, the third-degree relations are a first cousin, great-grandparent, and great-grandchild. 

The degree of blood relation refers to the proportion of genes shared by two people who are related by blood.  So you share 1/2 of your genes with your parent or sibling, you share 1/4 of your genes with your uncle, and you share 1/8 of your genes with your first cousin.  So, if I calculated right, that means you share 1/32 of your genes with your third cousin.

Again, from the legal standpoint, Atty. Gladys Garcia says you can marry your cousin; from the scientific point of view, the chances of your child having medical problems are less than if you married your first cousin; and from the Bible’s perspective, it doesn’t mention anything about third cousins.

Finally, it doesn’t seem that it is wicked that you have any form of relationship with your third cousin because you are not betraying or hurting anyone because of it.                                                     EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.