‘I desperately want to be a father, but I’m afraid to tell my wife I got her sister pregnant’

DEAR EPPY,

I’ve been married for five years now. My wife and I are childless in spite of medical treatment. My wife is the younger of two sisters whose parents died when she was still in college. Her sister took care of her and paid for her education. A year after we got married, Jane, my sister-in-law, migrated to another country.

Last November, Jane came home for a vacation to spend the holiday season with us.  Since the condo unit we were living in was small, I rented an adjoining unit for her use.  The two sisters are so close to each other that often, my wife would sleep in Jane’s unit so they can have unlimited bonding time.

Sometime in early December, my wife, who is the Manila representative of a Singapore-based software company, was ordered by her head office to go to Bangkok for official business. She had to be out for four days.

On the first night that she was abroad, I invited Jane for dinner in our unit. She showed up in a loose shirt and shorts that showed her beautiful legs. She looked younger than her age.  Unlike my wife, Amy is the athletic type. She likes to keep herself well-groomed. She’s not a looker, but she has a lot of sex appeal. Over dinner, I learned that she moved abroad to get over a broken heart — her boyfriend dumped her for a rich girl.

After dinner, we decided to drink some wine. Somewhere during our conversation, we talked about my wife’s difficulty to conceive.  She said this was a problem that ran on the maternal side of their family.  She confided that she had a miscarriage with her former boyfriend. When she started crying, I embraced her and tried to console her. The wine we took must have released our inhibitions because, before we knew it, we wound up in bed. We were sexually compatible.

During the next three nights, we acted like two honeymooners who could not get enough of each other. After my wife’s return, Jane and I acted as if nothing happened. We never sought the opportunity to be intimate again. She left for abroad after the New Year celebration.

Last week, my wife told me that Jane called her to tell her she was eight weeks pregnant and would be due in September. My wife asked my permission to assist her when she delivers because, apparently, the father of the child refuses to take responsibility for the child. An inner feeling told me that the child was mine.  I talked to Jane to verify my suspicion. After a long talk, she broke down and admitted the baby was mine.  I had mixed emotions about the news.  On the one hand, I was happy I was going to have the child I’ve been wishing for for a long time; on the other hand, I was scared about how my wife would react to the situation.

I desperately want to be a father to that child, but I am afraid to openly admit it because I know my wife will get hurt and the disclosure could adversely affect her relationship with her sister. I also know I have the moral and legal responsibility to support that child.

Please advise me on what to do.

BEFUDDLED HUSBAND

DEAR BEFUDDLED HUSBAND,

I must say your situation is a difficult one. Your need to have a child was granted, but you cannot openly enjoy the benefits of being a father. 

Allow me to express what I think is adult behavior. An adult makes a choice and takes responsibility for that choice. When he or she wants something, he will have to consider the list of consequences of a particular choice, which may be both positive and negative. If one of the consequences in the list is positive, then he has nothing to lose. If, however, the consequence is negative, then he has to weigh if the consequence is worth what is being benefited from that particular choice. He will then process all the consequences in the list before making a final decision.

When an adult takes alcohol, it becomes his responsibility to make sure that he will conduct himself in a manner that will keep him and others around him safe. Taking alcohol and ascribing an act to it is an action done by high school children and some college students. Adults don’t act in haste. They take alcohol knowing that their willpower will overcome any situation. They take extra precautions to make sure everyone will not be negatively affected. 

Then again, that is an idealistic viewpoint. No one is perfect. But you have to realize that you put in jeopardy the relationship between two sisters who don’t have other family members to turn to. You also have put in jeopardy your relationship with your wife.

Your choice is to start being mature or to continue making immature choices.  The truth is always the best, supposedly. But what are you willing to risk?  If you tell the truth, you will risk destroying two relationships and not seeing your child for the rest of your life.  If you don’t tell the truth, you suffer the rest of your life not being able to take care of a child you know is yours.

Definitely, your wife will get hurt if she knows. Is your need to take care of your child greater than your love for your wife?  Do you really love your wife?  Apparently, you have not said anything about your feelings for her sister.  If your need to be a father to any child is great and is even greater than your love for your wife, then you might one day sabotage your relationship with your wife to be a father. 

If, however, you choose to love your wife even if you need to be a father, then you must do what it takes to save your relationship. It seems you and your wife’s sister must feel something for each other at this point because of the connection, which is the child.  

Loving your wife means having to sacrifice all feelings just to make sure that she is protected. Again, this is a choice you have to make and the choice needs to be that of an adult. It shouldn’t be a choice made by a child who changes his mind when he wants to and who reacts on impulse because it feels good at that time. If you don’t choose to be mature, then you are better off away from your wife, her sister, and her child because they don’t deserve to be around someone who acts on impulse. They deserve someone who will always make sure that they are all right all the time..                                                            EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.