‘Is there a husband who’d allow his wife to take a lover like I did?’

DEAR MR. EPPY,

 I don’t know how I got the nerve to send you this letter about me and my lovely wife of 14 years, but I finally sent it.  I don’t have the guts to tell this story to anyone else. I don’t know why, but you are the only one I can share this with even if I know you will publish this.   

My wife and I were once very active sexually. I think my relationship with my wife is unique and no one else in the world has the same situation as ours. I have a wonderful and faithful wife. Now, we will be celebrating our 12th anniversary. We have four kids.

My wife is younger than me by 25 years.  I feel she needs more sex than what she is getting, but I cannot provide it for her anymore because of my age.  After sex, I become too tired.  I realize it is unfair to her.  So I gave her freedom and told her to find sex outside our marital bed.  She got angry and didn’t speak to me for 10 days. I apologized to her and she accepted. She thought that I was tired of her and our family. But this is not the case. I felt sad that I could not provide the sexual happiness she deserved. I wanted her to be happy.

But then I gave her rules on how she must go about this so our family would not be compromised. The rules were: to keep it a secret from our family, relatives, and friends; and there must be no emotional and financial attachment with the partner. And most of all, she must be protected by pills and regularly see her ob-gyne.  

At first, she didn’t want to, but after awhile, she told me she was interested in what I suggested. Then, she found someone. On her first encounter with the man, she told me she enjoyed it.  She asked me if she could continue and I gave my permission.  I asked her to tell me the details of her sexual encounters. Since then, every time she’d go out with her guy, she’d tell me all the details, which I also enjoyed.

I have no regrets as my love for her is much stronger. I saw in her face how happy she is. She looks much younger nowadays. I even encouraged her to be more presentable to her lover at all times. We would chat every day about this.  She would always thank me for the new life I gave her.  She believes that no other husband would give this permission to his wife.

In time, she introduced me to her lover.  Whenever they met for sex, I would watch them in bed through some device.  She now enjoys her sex life with this guy and I approve without regrets, knowing that my sexual obligation to her is fulfilled.

Mr. Eppy, is there any other husband who’d allow his wife to take a lover as I did?  Please enlighten me if this relationship is in danger. I love my wife more than ever and I believe she loves me just as much. She claims she has learned to love her lover and her lover also loves her.  My wife’s lover is also married with children.  I will appreciate it very much if you can give me ways on how to save my family and my wife’s happiness.

ROGER 

DEAR ROGER,

I don’t know if someone else has done what you have done, but it isn’t impossible that someone has. As far as I am concerned, I have seen a lot of changes from people. In the past, being separated from your spouse was something unacceptable by society.  Now, we have couples who find separate partners while staying together. 

What can I say about this?  In the past, the morals of people were high.  It kept everything structured.  Everything was black and white.  The wife is the wife, the husband is the husband.  Everyone has a designated role.  The wife attends to home and family while the husband goes out to bring home the money.  Now, it has all changed.

Here you are with your own version of how a modern family looks like.  Due to the difference in age between you and your wife and maybe your emotional condition, it would seem that your love for your wife is beyond the experience of the usual possession-oriented love of a spouse towards another spouse.  Others may judge this as the wrong way of going through a relationship.  However, relating to another human being is not about judging and possessing.  This is about real love and happiness.  The ability to live your life without judging another human being and being sensitive to their needs is a truly magnanimous trait.

The concern you present to me tells me that you are experiencing a sense of uncertainty because of the situation you have put yourself in.      You can see that your wife is happy, exceeding your expectations of her potential to be happy.  This caused you to feel the uncertainty of the future and the fear of losing her.  I guess you are not ready to fully let go of the traditional concept of loving someone. But you’ll get there if you really want it.

You cannot undo what you have created because feelings are involved.  It’s too late to think if it’s a mistake.  Your only recourse is to continue what you have started.  Your wife loves you terribly now because you have sacrificed everything for her.  But now, she does not love you like a husband because her needs from you are different now.  Her feelings of love for you may now be that of a child to a father or parent.  Sex is not part of your relationship now.  She has learned to love someone else as a partner. 

It seems to me you are vicariously living a sexual life through your wife’s experience (talking about it and watching them have sex).  I don’t know where this would lead, but if I were you, I would be careful since this is new territory for you and your wife.  You must think twice before you continue watching them as they have their rendezvous.  See if negative feelings start to arise because of this. If so, you might want to discuss it with your wife and modify the situation. 

Thank you for sharing your life. It is quite interesting.                                   EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.