‘A clingy person is insensitive to other people’s needs’

DEAR EPPY,

I recently learned that my friends of more than two years are not really my friends.  They told me a few days ago that they really don’t see me as a friend.  They said that they can’t be friends with me and we’re just casual.

They told me that they feel obliged wh enever I ask them to go out with me and they just go out with me because it’s my treat.  They also said that I am very irritating because I am so makulit and clingy.  I am makulit because it’s my nature.  I repeatedly ask things just to be sure.  I am clingy because this is how I show my friends how much I care for them.

I am four years older than them, I’m 23 and they are 19-year-old college girls.  I graduated from the same school where they are now studying.  They were classmates of my cousin before she transferred to a different school.  I am used to befriending different batches in our school.  My other friends, who are also younger than me, treat me as an equal and not as a kuya.  But this group of girls is different, they always see me as someone older than them.

Eppy, I am really depressed to know that the bonding moments, the laughs we shared, and everything are all nothing to them.  Is age gap really a factor in friendship?  Is it bad to be makulit?  Is it bad to be clingy to your friends?  It hurts a lot, Eppy. What should I do?      MR. LOVING HANDS

HELLO, MR. LOVING HANDS!

My answer to your question “Is it bad to be clingy to your friends?” is: It depends on the degree of your clinginess.  If you are a friend and want to see your friends almost every day and demand that they give you time, you may be considered excessively clingy.  This is not healthy.  Friends are there to spend time with you when all of you are free to spend time with each other.  They are not there to fulfill all your needs.

I wonder if you consider any of your female friends as a possible life partner.  This may be the reason for your need to go with this group of girls.  However, it is possible that you are not even aware that you are interested in one of them.  There is a possibility that your need to nurture one of the girls is generalized towards the whole group.  As a consequence, the girls are confused about your behavior. 

If you are not interested in one of the girls, some people who have the same need to be clingy, like you, will not consider clinginess as “bad” precisely because they are like you.  They won’t see anything wrong with it.  But there are people who get irritated with extremely clingy people because they feel that they are being imposed on by them. 

For example, if you ask your group to go with you for dinner and they have already made plans, it may be an imposition if you become dramatic and say, “… I am always there for you, but now that I need to be with someone, you can’t be there for me.”  If this is the case, then you have made them feel guilty about not being able to go with you.

Shouting and grabbing at people are not the only acts of abusing people.  If you followed my past columns, you would know that making someone feel guilty is abusive.  No one has to feel guilt because they can’t fulfill someone else’s need.  This “guilt trip” makes your friends not want to be with you.  I would think that it is not the clinginess that makes them not want to be with you.  It is the process that you go through after they say “no” that makes them not want to be around you.

Here is an example of what a conversation might look like based on how I understand “clingy” and “makulit” to be: Jack would say, “Hi, Group!  There’s this nice movie we can watch.  Let’s watch it this Friday.  My treat.”  Group in unison, “Sorry, we have a party to go to.”  Jack says, “What time do you have to go to your party?”  Girl 1 says, “We need to be there by 7 p.m.”  Jack says, “Great!  That means we can watch the first viewing right after we have an early lunch.”  Girl 2 says, “No, I want to give myself time and not hurry myself preparing.”  Girl 1 says, “Yeah!  Me, too, plus I have to buy something in the morning.”  Jack says, “Huh?  Why not buy it today or tomorrow?  There’s a lot of time between today and Friday.  I think you need to make more effort.  I would have done so.  I’d do anything for you girls.”  Girl 1 says, “I know there are three days between now and Friday, but I have other things to do.”  Jack retorts, “I think the problem is that you can’t organize your time well.  Let me help you with it.”  Girl 3 says, “Leave her alone.  Anyway, we don’t like hanging around you.  Leave us alone!” 

It ends there.  Notice that a clingy and makulit person is insensitive to others?  Jack is so focused on his fear of being rejected that he does not hear what his friends are trying to say.  On top of that, he intrudes into people’s business as if it were his.  Girl 1 has her own schedule, but Jack wants to change it for his benefit, making Girl 1 look stupid. 

Age shouldn’t be a factor in friendship.  However, people in their teens have the natural tendency to be around people their age.  When you are much older, the need to be around same-age friends is not as pressing.  Your friends may have enjoyed your company in the beginning because you were more spontaneous and easy to be with.  But, maybe, as you became closer to them the more demanding you became.

To summarize, this is the response to your last question “What should I do?”  It is best if you make yourself more aware of your feelings.  Ask yourself what it is you need that makes you want to take attention from this group of girls.  As I’ve said, you might be in love with one of those girls but are scared to admit it.  Reflect on your feelings and do something about it.  Tell the girl exactly what you feel.  If this is not the case, I suggest you get help.  Those girls aren’t your pets.  They are also not your possession.  Respect what they want.                            EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.