‘Stand up for your rights as a family man’

DEAR EPPY,

I’ve been married for 15 years now with five children.  My family’s origin is close to my wife’s family’s origin.  My wife’s family all live under one roof with the following: grandparents; aunt and uncle who have six children; two sisters; lastly, nephews and nieces.  Her parents have passed on.  It’s really one big, happy family.  Birthdays are in abundance due to the number of people in this family.  When a birthday hits a weekday, it is celebrated on a Saturday.  My wife, children, and I live in a different house but would go to my wife’s family about three times a month, on weekends and on birthdays.  On my side of the family, we visit my parents once a month.  I have two sisters. 

There are times that I would be working on a Saturday and my wife and children would go to her family from noon till evening.  I would pick them up after work.  Then when I changed my schedule and didn’t work on Saturdays anymore, we had an agreement that we would just go to her family at least once a month so we could spend time with our own family unit at home.

My wife has an aunt who lives in Australia and comes here for vacation.  She stays with my wife’s original family as well.  My concern is that she wants my family to sleep in their house while she’s there.  She always wants us there.  I would yield to my wife’s request to go there.  I enjoy going there because they are all nice.  But some of them become too sensitive that when you’re late for the celebration, they would resent us for it. 

Spending time with my wife’s family means watching TV from morning till sleeping time.  There are no other activities.  It’s a matriarchal family.  All single family members still live with their parents even if they have their own work.  I don’t understand my irritation with how they are as a family.  Is there something wrong with me?  I need to understand this.  I am thinking of migrating to another country because of two things: one is to look for greener pastures; and two, is to get away from this family.                                                                     FAMILY MAN

DEAR FAMILY MAN,

The culture of the Filipino is different from most other cultures in our world.  The Filipino family is nurturing of everyone in their home.  They welcome the next generation to the parental home, whether the members of the next generation in a family unit are working or not.  Even the children of their children are welcome into the parental home.

In contrast to the Filipino family way is the western way, specifically, the American family.  Although the average American family makes their children feel they are loved, at the age of 18, society expects these children to leave the parental home and fend for themselves.  Children are encouraged to look for another home and work.

For a Filipino, it is shocking for them to hear parents in America letting their children leave their parental home.  The Americans, on the other hand, find it shocking that the children of Filipino families stay in the parental home even at the age of 50 years old, especially so that these children have their own families already.

Neither culture is right or wrong.  However, each has its positive consequences as well as its negative consequences.  In the average Filipino family, the child is assured that his parents will always accept him in their home for long periods of time whenever he needs one.  In the average American family, the children are not that certain that they are welcome. 

Boundaries are important for every individual.  An exaggerated situation for boundaries is that person A is not welcome to put his finger in person B’s mouth because they are not the same person.  There is an invisible boundary between them. 

The accepting culture of the Filipinos seems to coincide with the deterioration of boundaries.  For example, a Filipino parent may think that entering a child’s room without asking permission from the child is acceptable because the parent owns the house.  This teaches the child that there are no boundaries between them. 

The American culture, on the other hand, teaches children that there is a boundary between members of a family unit.  Therefore, the parent respects that a child owns his room even if the whole house is owned by the parent.

It is quite obvious that your problem is about boundaries.  The family of your wife does not see that your family unit is separate from them.  They can’t see that demanding from you certain things destroys boundaries.  But it is the Filipino culture.  It is not an excuse, but that is the Filipino way.

You resent your wife’s family because by stepping on your boundary, they made you feel you are not in control of your own family unit.  You want to migrate because you fail to fight for your right as head of your family.  The “Filipino way” out of this mess is to quietly fade away without any conflict.  So, you see, you yourself respond like the “average Filipino.”  Does it make it wrong?  No.  But if an American male would hear your story, he would say you are not man enough to say “No” to your wife’s family.

Your letter is about your need to change the culture in your family.  If you really want to do that, then that will involve standing up for your rights as a family man.  Letting your wife’s family know what you want is necessary if you want change.  Are you ready to change yourself? 

Talk to your wife and let her know exactly how you feel.  Don’t just agree about arrangements.  Make her understand why you want that kind of arrangement.  The sooner she understands, the sooner she will be able to accommodate your request.  You have every right to have full control of your family.                                     EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.