DEAR EPPY,
My husband has been a seaman for most of our eight-year marriage, and when he is onboard, our sex life stops. Recently, though, he suggested that we try cyber-sex but I am not comfortable with the idea. He says he cannot masturbate by himself because he feels guilty doing it, which is the opposite for me. What should we do? I would really appreciate your help.
MS. CYBER BATES
DEAR MS. CYBER BATES,
The way I understand it, you want my opinion on whether to do cyber-sex with your husband or not. As always, I don’t judge people on their sexual habits or any other habits. As one of my patients says, “Whatever floats your boat.†However, you are in a dilemma, so I will write about the issues discussed in an article by Mark Griffiths regarding cyber-sex. From here you can decide what you want to do about your husband’s request.
In Griffiths’ article in The Journal of Sex Research entitled, “Sex on the Internet: Observations and Implications for Internet Sex Addiction,†the Internet is considered a way of expressing one’s self. The anonymity helps people participate even more. Although addiction was suspected to be connected to Internet use, it isn’t clear whether the Internet helped promote the addiction of the person or the Internet itself is the addiction. One thing is clear to Griffiths, though: Internet sex is a concern. When one starts using it because of sex, one can get addicted to it. Griffiths seems to say that Internet is a dangerous place for some people who are addicted to sex. Once a person discovers that he can use the Internet to fulfill his needs for sex, he may go further.
The Internet encourages one to continue indulging in sexual activities because of its anonymity. It also provides sexual pleasure without the obligation of being responsible for whatever happens there. If the Internet itself is not the addiction, it may become the conduit for other forms of addiction to manifest themselves. I would think that if you use the Internet for sex, it could become a habit.
Now let’s go to this issue about your husband forcing you to have sex on the Internet. Remember when you were a teenager? Did it ever happen to you that there was a boy who would force you to have sex with him to prove to him that you loved him? This is a situation where there is a power struggle. Either the will of the boy overpowers your will, or your stand will prevail. Giving way to sex with someone to prove something does not prove love, it only proves how weak a person can be and how important it is to please someone. Also, doing so says plainly and simply how much you want to have sex, too.
The situation with your husband is the same. You have to assess whether your values are irrational and dysfunctional, or important and useful. Whatever the result of your assessment, the result should determine the response to your husband. The point is, do not do anything for anyone if you don’t want to. Learn how to say no. Also, learn how to say yes and own it. Meaning, you want to have cyber sex because it thrills you, and not because you need to please your husband and do it for his sake.
EPPY
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E-mail: eppygochangco@gmail.com