‘Help! My wife feels pain and does not enjoy sex’

Dear Eppy,

I am 29 years old and married. I am an avid fan of your column that I always get excited and anticipate Tuesdays because I know I will get to read your column. 
Here are my concerns. I have read somewhere that 99% of men and 90% of women masturbate. I assume, therefore, that most women enjoy sex, too. But I wonder about this now because of my sex life with my wife.
When I was married six years ago, I enjoyed sex with my wife. But my wife doesn’t share the same sexual experience. Most of the time, she feels pain during and after sex (even with KY jelly). I feel that the jelly is enough to stop the pain. She told me that she had never masturbated in her life and she does not enjoy it when I play with her clitoris. She says she feels pain when I touch it and claims that I touch it too hard. But I doubt that I actually touch it really hard. Sometimes, she refuses to have sex with me because of the pain as a result of sex. I get frustrated and I lose my sexual appetite. But still I don’t stray away. I don’t get tempted to have sex with other women. Eppy, why does she not enjoy sex and feels pain when we have sex? Please enlighten me.

Very confused husband

Dear very confused husband,

I congratulate you because you are the second man writing me about keeping his promise to be faithful to his wife. Thank you for sharing that. I hope more men step up and share their experiences as loving and faithful husbands. 
In my opinion, human intelligence is the most sophisticated intelligence on earth. Unfortunately, this intelligence is the very characteristic that makes human beings have the most problems. Our intellect allows us to use our memory and execute cross-referencing tasks, which leads to a conclusion and a feeling. Whether we do this consciously, or unconsciously, in the end, we have conclusions about situations and then create solutions for execution. If we come up with a conscious conclusion and solution, then we can consciously decide to execute the solution or not. If, however, our unconscious decides to have its own conclusion and solution, then we don’t have conscious control over this. Our unconscious will automatically execute the solution and we will just have to take the consequence of that solution. Examples of unconscious decisions that can affect our lives are: becoming blind, becoming deaf, backaches (unconscious flexing of muscles that makes our back muscles tight), constriction of vaginal muscles, and difficulty having penile erection. These are only a few of what our unconscious mind can do to us.
Usually, when a human has experienced something traumatic, the unconscious blocks all thoughts that can cause pain to the conscious. After blocking the thoughts, it will create a solution to defend the individual from experiencing more emotional pain.
There is a possibility that your wife could have been sexually abused as a child. In order for her not to experience painful emotional pain due to this event, she must have unconsciously resolved this issue by using pain in her vagina to have an unconscious feeling of being able to protect herself. She could also come from a very strict religious family.
According to Kaplan and Sadock in Synopsis of Psychiatry, there is a certain sexual problem, which is called dyspareunia, which is another name for genital pain in men and women during or after sexual intercourse. Your wife might be suffering from this. The absence of organic reasons and proper lubrication to explain the pain increases the possibility of your wife having dyspareunia.
If sexual abuse is the reason for her condition, then she is trying to protect herself from another “imagined” attack by unconsciously causing her vagina to hurt when a man tries to have sex with her. If the intense religious upbringing is the reason for her condition, then her need to protect herself from seeing herself as an immoral and decadent woman is intense, which makes her stop herself from having sex by experiencing pain during and after sexual intercourse.
This condition is troublesome because it can cause a strain in the relationship of couples. The husband may feel rejected because he may think that his wife is just making excuses not to have sex with him. 
You have to understand that your wife is actually experiencing the pain. It is as painful as a blunt knife cutting through skin. Do not, in any way, perceive your wife as pretending because if you do, you will hurt her both physically and emotionally, which will make her condition worse. This will make it almost difficult for her to have sex in the future.


Please do not replace a face-to-face professional consultation with my response to you. You must bring your wife to a professional for proper diagnosis. This will ensure a proper treatment for your wife and proper guidance for both of you to have a satisfying and fulfilling sex life together. 
I must stress the point that you must appreciate yourself for being loyal to your wife. Be proud that you did not use her condition as an excuse to punish your wife for something she has no control of. EPPY
                      

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.

Author’s note: The response to my addiction issue was overwhelming. A lot were asking for information about addiction programs. There is a one-day talk, which is for free at the Santuario de San Antonio, Forbes Park, Makati regarding new ways of addressing addiction issues. For more information, call or text 0928-8446313, or e-mail sgroups457@yahoo.com.