Love and sex in an intimate relationship in old age

DEAR EPPY,

I was into a serious 12-year relationship and have never been happier in all my life. I left my husband for him, and he was everything I dreamed I would like my man to be. I am in the first half of my senior years, the top executive of our family of companies. My partner is nothing less, and is three years older than . He is a widower, while I had my marriage annulled. We did not get married though, and we both live in our respective compounds with our grown-up children. Ours has been a discreet, long-distance relationship, tolerated by our children. I would fly all these years to spend time twice a month with him in the penthouse of a love nest he got us, and we would travel abroad together if we were not taking quick breaks anywhere near. It was a never-ending honeymoon, and everything was a dream.

One day, in our 11th year, I happened to glance at his cell phone while he was keying in a message that used endearing names and sweet messages, telling the recipient a lie that he was elsewhere when in fact we were together watching a movie. Confronted, he lied.

In short, I discovered he was cheating on me. Although he was denying my suspicions, he finally confirmed that he was having an affair. He promised to end the relationship in front of me by calling the other woman. He said the only reason he was having an affair was for business purposes since the woman was a high-ranking officer of a highly scary government agency.

I loved him so much that I was willing to believe anything he said. I even believed that he would stick with the agreement the two of us created. But my suspicions were overwhelming so I employed a private investigator to follow him around. I discovered the identity of the woman. The private investigator was thorough, complete with pictures.

I confronted him, knowing all the details. When he could not lie anymore, he said goodbye and I never heard from him again. His woman knows about me and our 12-year relationship.

My questions are: 1. Was I right in having him followed despite the fact that our Points of Agreement was not yet supposed to be in effect until about two or four weeks later? 2. Was he right in getting angry at me for my sleuthing? 3. Do you suppose his silence is born out of shame and guilt? 4. Should I initiate contact with him to perhaps rekindle our relationship like each time I used to? Except that this time, I might no longer tolerate the lies, the deceit, the betrayal he had dealt me. 5. Further, should I get the keys to our love nest already? I actually have the unit in my name. I am afraid he might use this with her.

I miss him and still love him.

SENIOR LOVER

DEAR SENIOR LOVER,

When the topic of romance and sex is brought up, age groups that are immediately mentioned are early adults. Older people beyond 50 years old are seldom mentioned or maybe not at all. Toni Calasanti and Jill Kiecolt, in their article “Diversity Among Later-Life Couples” published in Couples in Later Life, wrote that older people are also interested in relationships and sex. Sex and love are supposed to go hand in hand in an intimate relationship in old age.

This is precisely why even in old age, you still respond to relationships the way younger people do. However, one thing I do notice is that you defer too much to your man. This is a result of what Calasanti and Kiecolt call gender relations. Calasanti and Kiecolt define gender relations as the “... inequalities of wealth, authority, labor, and esteem between sexes that are supported by ideologies that justify men’s greater privilege in most settings.”

Apparently, men seem to feel entitled and hang on to their privileges while women feel obligated to defer to men. Your story seems to fit this concept. Both you and the other woman make your man feel as if he is entitled to lie to and cheat on both of you. I’m sure you might say that this is not true because you have specifically told him that you will not tolerate his behavior. But I have to disagree with you. Words are only effective if they are followed with acts. Your act expresses a stronger intention, which is contrary to your words.

Your “sense of fairness” already implies to your boyfriend that you defer to him by creating an agreement and making it effective days after its creation, and even weeks, after you have finalized it. I wonder about the purpose of giving him time to cavort with the other woman. If you can handle him doing this for a few days, isn’t it a matter of perception then that you may be able to allow him to do this for a longer duration? Meaning, if you changed your perception, wouldn’t it mean that you could actually handle his sexual and romantic relations with this other woman for the rest of your lives?

Now, let’s go to your questions. Your having him followed is neither right nor wrong. But here is a question for you: What does that say about you that you ask someone a question, he answers the question, then you have him spied on, seemingly disregarding his response?

As for your boyfriend being angry, anyone has the right to be angry if someone is stalking him, spying on him, or intruding into his privacy. For your third question, I don’t think that shame and guilt are part of his constitution. Your story of him makes him suspect for a disorder. For your fourth question, what made you even think of this question? You want more cheating from him and more pain for you? Lastly, it is amazing that you still refer to your meeting place as a “love nest.” You need to understand that your boyfriend is not the ordinary cheating type. He can make two women accept that he is cheating on them and lying to them, and have them accept, even for a while, that the other one exists in his life. What is this question for?

You have two choices: one, allow yourself to have a miserable life by staying with him; and two, find happiness somewhere else where your chances to be treated like a person and as an equal are higher.                                                        EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.