DEAR EPPY,
I am a 22-year-old female with a 24-year-old boyfriend. We have a three-month-old son. My boyfriend and I are not married yet because I don’t want to marry him. He asked permission from my family to marry me and my parents said yes. My boyfriend’s family has also agreed. I have so many reasons not to marry him. He is a cheater. He is incapable of being loyal and honest. He prefers to be with his friends while flirting with other girls.
Tell me, Eppy, is that the ideal man to marry? My family and his family don’t know how he is as a partner. Their ignorance makes them think that it’s acceptable for them to push me to marry him. For me marriage is sacred.
I discussed this issue with my boyfriend. He promised me he would change for me and our child. But he hasn’t changed. What am I going to do, Eppy? I’d like you to know that I have collected your articles since you started writing for The Philippine STAR.
Unwed Mother
DEAR UNWED MOTHER,
I think you know what you have to do. I can think of only two reasons for your wanting my opinion on the option you must take about your boyfriend (of course, there may be other reasons, but I’m not aware of them as I write this response): The first reason is that your feelings for him step in the way of executing your decision; and the second reason is that the opinions of others deter you from doing what you have to do.
If your feelings for your boyfriend are getting in the way of what you have to do (if it is to leave him), then whatever I say will not make sense to you until you are ready or have seen the bigger picture of your relationship.
If the opinion of others weighs so much and it deters you from doing what it is you have to do, then I think your need to please others is an issue. Pleasing others is about having feelings of “guilt.†When I speak of guilt, I mean guilt that you feel obliged to do things because of societal pressure, feeling that you have to be someone you are not at the moment, feeling that you are not someone you think others want you to be, feeling that you should be doing something but you are not, feeling that you shouldn’t be doing something but are doing it at the moment. Guilt stops us from doing the things we want to do and makes us do the things we aren’t willing to do.
In fact, guilt might be the experience that is making you ask me if your boyfriend is the ideal man to marry. It is very clear that he isn’t. The way you describe your boyfriend shows me the kind of man he is. Promising something and not being able to execute the promise tells you that this is the type of man that has impulse control issues. Meaning, no matter how much he wants something, he will always fail to get it because his impulse will overtake his will. Therefore, your man will have difficulty being responsible as a husband and father. What will come first will always be what’s pleasurable to him.
Allow me to help you by giving you more information about infidelity. In an article written by Elizabeth Allen, Galena Rhodes, Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, Tamara Williams, Jessica Melton, and Mari Clements, entitled “Premarital Precursors of Marital Infidelity,†it was mentioned that higher frequency of infidelity is related to lower marital quality. Infidelity is associated with problems in couples.
Allen, et al. prefer to see the results of their study as communication problems and the type of relating between two people increase the probability for a man to cheat. The moment a man cheats, a lot of things change in the man. Cheating seems to change the man’s attitude towards infidelity, thinking that cheating is acceptable, which counters social norms. Furthermore, infidelity increases guilt, which causes mental problems. Consequently, the man cheats even more and he ends up manifesting behavior that is inconsistent. He may verbalize moralistic views that are in conflict with his behavior. For example, he may tell his female children that it is wrong to flirt with older men yet will go on dates with children aged 14 years old to 17 years old.
Allen et al. clarify that although no partner will actually push a partner to cheat, the results of their study imply that the way a couple interacts may affect an individual. Their study shows that women who insult their husbands, give negative comments about their husbands, are sarcastic to their men, and “read the minds†of their husbands in a bad way (thinking that their husbands have bad intentions all the time) have husbands who cheat.
In contrast, women who have something nice to say to their husbands and listen to what their husbands really want to say have less partners indulging in infidelity. The same way, positive interaction in couples may mean less infidelity. However, the study also shows that men indulging in infidelity have poor mental health and are less religious.
How can we apply this to your case? You need to ask yourself, “Do I communicate well with my husband?†“Do we communicate in such a way that the two of us feel good after an interaction?†These are only two of the questions you need to ask yourself to know whether your man cheats because of your interaction with him. If your answers to these two questions are “Yes,†then there’s something wrong with your man and you must think twice before marrying him.
Please understand that my response must not replace the experience of going to a professional and seeking their help.
EPPY
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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.