‘I fantasize about other men when I have sex with my husband’

Dear Eppy, 

I am a 40-year-old woman.  I have children and I’m  very much married to a wonderful man, whom I love so much.  But I feel guilty about something and I couldn’t even talk about it with any of my friends.  When my husband and I make love, I usually have thoughts of other men.  In these thoughts, other men are making love to me and not my husband.  Is this normal?  Am I betraying my husband by doing this?

Guilty wife

Dear Guilty Wife,

Davidson and Hoffman, in their article published in The Journal of Sex Research, report that some professionals see sexual fantasies as “undesirable.”  These professionals believe that these sexual fantasies are some form of sexual dysfunction or deviation.  These professionals give people the idea that there is something wrong with them if they fantasize during intercourse.

But the results of Davidson and Hoffman’s study contradict the opinion of these professionals because it shows that many married women benefit from sexual fantasies during intercourse with their spouses.  It seems that whatever women’s current sex life status is, the sexual fantasy helps them in achieving an orgasm.  Davidson and Hoffman consider sexual fantasy as a healthy channel to express erotic thoughts.  They also report that “younger women are likely to fantasize about their current partners or a famous person,” while older women are more likely to fantasize about having sex with a stranger or an acquaintance.   So, if you were to share your experience with your female friends, you might be surprised that they may be doing the same thing, too. 

As you can see, your sexual fantasy about other men does not mean that you are betraying your husband; it does not also say that there’s something wrong with you.  You don’t have to feel guilty as it is normal for women to fantasize during sex even if it is about having sex with other men.  Don’t worry.  Have fun and enjoy yourself!  But you don’t have to tell your husband about it.  It’s a private thing for you.  Allow your husband to think he is the only “king of your jungle!” because he is.  Your mind just needs to do what it has to do. Eppy

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‘I can’t forgive my husband for what he did 17 years ago’

Dear Eppy,

I got married to my husband when I was 23 years old.  I am now 40 years old.  My husband has never given me a problem except for the time when we got married.  On the day of our wedding, he went off with his friends for a while and came back three hours later.  I don’t think I have ever forgiven him for that.  When he came back, I threw a tantrum and threatened to leave him.  From that time till the present, he has been trying to compensate for his wrongdoing.

Every year, I would remind him of that time he left me for his friends.  Last year, I did the same thing.  My youngest child, who is now 12 years old, pointed out, “Mommy, you can’t seem to forget about that.”  I got so surprised.  It was only then that I realized that I have been angry at my husband for 17 years now.  It’s about time to forgive him, but I’m even more surprised that I can’t.  How can I forgive my husband?

Ms. Hater

Dear Ms. Hater,

I understand that you are angry about your husband’s leaving you alone and running off with his friends on the day of your wedding.  But for you to hold on to that anger for years, there must be some personal issue that was triggered.  For example, hypothetically, when you were five years old, you were with your mother when her friends came and invited her to go out with them.  Your mother may have left you with her mother (your grandmother) and went out with her friends, thinking that you would be safe with your grandmother.  But you may have felt abandoned by her.  The result may be a lifelong issue of abandonment.

Your husband’s behavior must have reminded you of the incident with your mother.  Your anger towards your mother is now displaced to your husband.  The solution here is to realize that your anger belongs to your mother, not your husband.  Hypothetically, you must learn to forgive your mother because of that incident.  This will then take away the anger towards your husband.  All the while you thought you were angry because he left you for three hours.  It could be that you’re angry at him for triggering that memory.

But that is just an example.  You will have to go to a psychotherapist to explore the issues in your life for you to learn to forgive your husband.  This is not to say that what your husband did is nothing to be angry about.  What I am pointing out is your obsession towards needing to maintain your anger towards your husband. 

If you don’t have issues in the past to make you keep your resentment, then another explanation is your need to have power over your husband.  In an article by Jane Collingwood in PsychCentral entitled “Using Forgiveness to Move On,” keeping resentments makes the person holding on to the resentment have a “sense of strength and righteousness.”  This makes one feel good while blaming others, but in the end, the feeling of doubt will linger. Eppy

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.