Brothers and sisters
I had previously written that all it takes for me right now to get rid of my hiccups is to imagine that my wife is pregnant again. Don’t get me wrong though. I love children. But as much as I enjoy raising my two kids, being a father is a very big responsibility and is certainly not easy. Just the thought of a paternal encore is really enough to scare my hiccups away. I was therefore dumbstruck when I read in the papers recently how a spokesperson had formally confirmed that one of our former two-time senators has fathered 72 children! The actual number could actually be much higher and if you suspect that you might be one of the ex-legislator’s love child, the guy has actually left DNA samples with the National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) so that you (and any other additional claimants) can be tested against it. Aside from wondering how much more colorful the RH bill debates at the Senate would be if the man was still in office, it also makes me tend to believe that he probably does indeed possess an anting-anting (magic amulet)!
Among the biggest challenges that I would likely face if I had a third child, let alone six dozen children, would be how to parent three different personalities. One of the amazing things that we discover when we have two or more children is how different they can be from each other. And we wonder how can that be when they all live under the same house and we always try to do our best to treat everyone equally? According to some experts, one possible key reason is birth order or the chronological order of sibling births in a family. They say that its impact on personality can be as great as the way sex differentiates the character of a brother and a sister. Many of us intuitively believe that our position in the family somehow affects who we are. There have also been scientific studies done on this theory. Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, was a pioneer in the study of birth order and its influence on growth and personality. In Waldorf schools, such as the one my kids go to, the child’s birth order (together with their individual temperament) has long been one of the factors that the teachers consider when studying the student’s behavior. Most research focuses on the following ordinal birth positions: firstborn and only child; second-born and middle child; and youngest. Some explanations are more esoteric than others, but they all have many similarities. Perhaps one of the more reader-friendly explanations is that of Dr. Kevin Leman, author of the best- selling book The Birth Order Book.
• Firstborn and only child. Leman describes firstborn children to be natural leaders. They are also aggressive, perfectionists, and don’t like surprises. Curiously, however, they like to please others and have a strong need for approval particularly from authority figures. Only children are firstborns in “triplicate” and are even bigger perfectionists. As parents, we need to help these kids to relax and not to be too hard on themselves. We should not pile on too many responsibilities on them and try to spread the work and expectations around the house on the younger children.
• Middle child. Leman says that if the oldest child is like a company’s CEO, then the middle child can be compared to an entrepreneur. They are likely to be very different from their older sibling although it could manifest in a variety of ways. Middle kids may also feel neglected and develop a chip on their shoulder. Since they may feel left out in the family, they also tend to become more involved with friends and peer groups. It’s important for parents to engage their middle children and make them feel that they are getting their fair share of our time. Similarly, we should empower the middle child with more leadership responsibilities to alleviate feelings of being overshadowed by their older and younger siblings.
• Youngest child. The youngest child of the family is likely to be the most social and outgoing. Humorous and charming, they may, however, also become manipulative. Since they are accustomed to being pampered, they are usually spoiled and become experts at getting what they want. Be firm with the youngest and don’t let them “get away with murder.” More than anyone, perhaps, they are the ones whom we should closely discipline. Remember also that their older siblings are always watching closely for any double standards! While it is important to hand out more responsibilities to the middle child to make them feel more involved, we do the same to the youngest so that they don’t end up becoming too lazy. Not everything that they do should also be treated as “cute.” Otherwise, they might feel that everything they do is trivial or unimportant. We should therefore look for opportunities to celebrate their accomplishments (even though their older siblings have already done the same things numerous times before.)
Despite new research that appears to support the scientific basis of the birth order theory, it is still somewhat controversial in psychological circles. For one thing, it would be very difficult to actually experimentally confirm it. I also think that children are all different regardless of their birth order and have to be parented in different ways. Perhaps the best way to use this theory then is to look at how the general characteristics of each birth order manifest itself as strengths or weaknesses in our children. This way, we can then think of ways to improve or strengthen them accordingly.
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Acknowledgements: Personality Traits Linked To Birth Order by Rome Neal.
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