Help-less in Manila

I guess that it was a promise that was not as sacred as the vow that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan made to each other in Sleepless in Seattle to meet atop the Empire State Building after an agreed period. Nevertheless, when our trusted household help of four years promised us that she would be back after a week from the province, we believed her. Alas, it’s been close to a month with nary a word. In the classic movie that inspired the Hanks/Ryan flick, Deborah Kerr didn’t make it to her rendezvous with Cary Grant after she got sideswiped by a car just outside New York’s most famous building. Unaware of her accident, Grant was left drowning in sorrow at the observation deck on the 86th floor, convinced that she had dumped him. Maybe in her haste to make it back in time, our help got into a similar accident with a tricycle on the way to the airport (well, hopefully not). Whatever the reason, her non-appearance has left me drowning in dishwashing liquid while humming sad pensive songs by Barry Manilow for several weeks now. Be that as it may, while we may currently be help-less, we are most certainly not helpless. As a family, we are used to doing housework. Part of that is because we lived abroad for several years where we essentially did everything by ourselves. While the conditions in the Philippines may not be as conducive to such an independent lifestyle, we decided as a couple after we came back that we would make it a point not to be overly dependent on others regarding household work. Nevertheless, the recent absence of our help has made me appreciate once more several important insights on housework.

First of all, housework is probably the most unrecognized and unappreciated work in society. Of all the responsibilities of parents, most especially for moms, housework is probably the most stressful, tiring, and thankless of all tasks. As Cindy L’Hirondelle writes in The Unpaid Labor of Mothers, “The variety of jobs you must do when you look after home and children are endless: cook, maid, launderer, health-care provider, mediator, teacher, counselor, secretary, transporter of children and household supplies, etc., all this work goes on quietly, un-heroically.” And yet many times, people don’t even consider it as “real work.” People normally think of work only when they do so in an office or factory setting. What many fail to realize, however, is that it would not be possible to do any of these so-called “real work” outside the home unless we are enabled and supported by the domestic labor of mothers, faithful servants, and hopefully in some cases, by fathers.

This brings me to the role of fathers or husbands in housework. In one study in the US, it was estimated that having a husband creates an extra seven hours a week of housework for women. On the other hand, the impact to men is the opposite — having a wife saves men from about an hour of housework a week. If a similar study were to be done in the Philippines, I wouldn’t be surprised if the results would even be more disadvantageous to women. By and large, housework is still looked at, even in the more liberal cultures of the West, as primarily women’s work. While I have no illusions of this imbalance changing significantly anytime soon, I do think that there is no reason why husbands and fathers cannot do more housework. First of all, fair is fair. Secondly, it provides a good example to the kids. And third, it contributes to the quality of the relationship of husbands and wives. Some psychologists say that demonstrating a willingness to share in housework can be a powerful symbol of commitment to home and family. Dramatic situations of “sickness and health” or “for richer and poorer” are normally few and far between. The realities of dirty dishes and soiled laundry, on the other hand, are everyday occurrences for couples. If these reasons are not enough to convince men to do more housework, then maybe the result of a recent study will. A new study shows that the more housework you do, the more often you are likely to have sex with your spouse!

Last but not the least is the positive impact of housework on kids. While it may sometimes be a pain to ask our kids to do chores, experts say that it’s good for them. It teaches them about work and responsibility and helps build character. Making children help around the house also enables them to feel that they are part of the family and contributing to everyone’s benefit. As one mother told her son, “Dad cooked, I went shopping, your brother set. You get to clear. Everyone helps.”

I am still hopeful that our missing help will soon miraculously appear at our doorstep (a text message on when she’ll return will actually be good enough for now). After all, Cary Grant eventually found out what happened to Deborah Kerr, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan kept their date atop the Empire State Building, and everything ended up happily ever after. In the meantime, however, I do have to end this article right now… as I need to help my wife put in another load of laundry!

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