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“If only. Those must be two of the saddest words in the world.” —Mercedes Lackey

Many of us constantly wonder how life would have been had we done things differently. We hear statements like, “If only I married him, I would be very rich now”; “If I studied music, I would be happier today”; “If I took that offer, I would be in Paris now”; “If I didn’t go with you, I wouldn’t have figured in that accident”; or “If only I saved all that money when I was younger, I would not be so miserable today.” When we look back at life in retrospect, we often see opportunities that we regret we did not take, things that we did or did not do that make us sorry and remorseful. In our effort to understand the things that happen in our life, we try to evaluate our actions, choices, and events and their consequences. Sad to say, but more often than not, there are many things we end up regretting.

What is regret?

Regret comes from the Middle English word, regretten, meaning to lament, and from the Old French regreter, to weep. Regret is a sense of loss, dissatisfaction or distress for someone or something gone, a feeling of sorrow and disappointment about something that one wishes could have been done differently. Regret is feeling sorry, remorseful, and sometimes guilty for an act of commission or omission which you wish did not happen. A person who lives with regret remembers things with a feeling of loss and sorrow, speculating what could have been if things were done differently. In today’s expressive hip language, regret could be summed up in those often used lyrics in songs: “I should have, I could have, I would have…”

Things We Regret

In life, there are a million and one things we are bound to regret — a missed opportunity, a bad choice or decision, something you did that ended negatively, hurting words you uttered, the way you treated someone, unexpressed feelings, unfulfilled promises, lies, mistakes, things, and events you have forgotten, errors or mistakes, and things you did not do.They say that hindsight is always 20/20. When we look back at the past, we see in a clearer light the things we have done wrong, the things we have missed. It is normal to feel disappointed over how you handled past love relationships, how unkind and unfair you treated friends and family, how heatedly you interacted with co-workers and superiors, how hypertensive and indifferent you reacted to waiters, cashiers, parking attendants, and even your domestic helpers. Feelings of regret are normal. Being remorseful for your mistakes and realizing that there actually was a better way of doing them is a good sign that you are learning from your experiences. In this case, regret is healthy because it is part of your growing up process. The thing to do is not to let regret control you and cause unnecessary worry, stress, tension, and sorrow.The notion of regret can become unhealthy when it dominates your daily routine, leaving you feeling depressed over what could have been. Living with regret is futile. Everything you regret can only happen in the past, and the past is gone. As you go through life, it is best to accept your actions and inactions, process them, learn from them, charge them to experience, and move on.

How To Avoid Regret

• Practice living in the moment. Be aware of what’s happening around you and stay mindful of opportunities passing your way. Then you will never regret not smiling and getting to know that beautiful girl with the tantalizing eyes at the bar.

•Think before you decide. Think things through, mull them over. Weigh the pros and cons, and realize the consequences your choice might bring along with it. Most importantly, think before you speak! Once spoken, harsh words are hard to take back.

• Be decisive. Resolve to stand by your decision and once you’ve decided, stick to it. Your confidence in your choice depends on how much you have studied the problem or situation. Realize that the decision is yours; stay away from blaming others when things don’t happen as you wish.

• Act on it right away. Grab the golden opportunity! In life, time is of the essence — it is now or never. Many people regret having acted slowly and feel depressed or devastated when whatever they do is useless because everything is too late.

• Accept reality. Be ready to accept what is, and face up to its truth and consequences. Realize that not all chapters in life end gloriously. In fact, some are better left closed and forgotten. Sad chapter? Open a bright new one.

• Be optimistic. View life through rose-colored glasses and focus on the glorious triumphs instead of nitpicking the dark moments. When life throws you lemons, make lemon juice and be sure to stir in a lot of sugar. Don’t worry, be happy!

What To Do About Regret

• Understand the regret. When there is regret in your heart, try your best to understand the circumstances that brought it about. Analyze the regret and monitor how you see and respond to it. It is not really the negative situation but how we react that matters.

• Grieve over your regret. You must give yourself a chance to cry over what had happened. Tears have a miraculous way of washing away negative feelings. It’s actually okay to cry over spilt milk because it will help you get over the sad experience faster.

• Don’t dwell on it. Don’t focus on the regret and make it the center of your life. If you do, it will grow bigger and more powerful than you. You are the only one who can give it that power. So keep your mind on new things and preoccupy your heart with beautiful thoughts.

• Apologize. When there is guilt, be sure to apologize and make amends. Repair the relationship if you can, and if you want it. Most importantly, forgive. Forgiveness gives a sense of peace that it won’t matter anymore who was “right” and who was “wrong.”

• Do not blame. Do not point your finger at anyone because chances are, they won’t listen anyway. If the hurt is too much to bear, learn to laugh it off and blame it on experience. The lows in life make the highs grander and more spectacular.

• Recognize and learn the lesson. It would be so stupid if in case you were in the same situation that you would choose the same disastrous decisions. Learn from the pitfalls of history so they won’t repeat themselves. Realize not just what you’ve lost but what you’ve gained — perhaps wisdom, maybe a little more perseverance.

• Help yourself. Take steps towards your healing. Journal the guilt; write about it. Jotting it down on paper helps reduce the burden from your heart. Unload your negative emotions by talking to a trusted friend or confidante. Stay with supportive and fun friends who will help you forget your problems. If you feel there is dire need, get professional help.

• Visualize yourself leaving your regrets behind. Fill your mind with positive thoughts; expect a bigger, brighter future and move forward. The next time regret bothers your heart and mind, think of this wonderful quote from Rita Mero: “I have no regrets in my life. I think everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.”

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For your comments, e-mail deroseminar@yahoo.com or text 0905-3130990.