Siblings in love

I saw something wonderful unfold when my two daughters did a magazine pictorial together. They bonded so beautifully and looked great on camera. I cherished every moment of that time because I wanted to remember that instance when they got into an entanglement – as what sisters normally get into. My desire is to see that my daughters really super bond and then be able to depend on each other before they establish deep friendships with others. It helped that the stylist and makeup artist for the shoot were sisters who happened to share a room when they were little. I remember that leaving a mark in Ella, my firstborn. I loved the way both Ella and Hannah, my younger daughter, enjoyed expressing their unique natures. Ella (who is focused and professional) was not distracted or bothered by Hannah’s carefree and spirited self. That moment gave great joy to my heart as it did to theirs. Thank God, we can build on moments that hopefully will become habits for life.

There are different factors that contribute to sibling rivalry, namely:

1) Spacing. Rivalry between siblings emerges sooner or intensely if the spacing between siblings is close. It surfaces later if the gap is wider. Two- and three-year-old siblings may engage in competition and comparison whereas a two- and seven-year-old may experience the same thing in several years to come.

2) Sex of siblings. Ari Kiev, MD, author of Breaking Free of Birth Order, says that the same-sex siblings tend to show signs of stronger rivalries because of direct competition and comparison. For example, two boys will naturally be looking up to their father as their role model. Both aspire to be like him and the boys may compete for achievement in areas of athletics, academics, etc. They point to only one common reference. When sex roles are not very clearly defined, opposite sex rivalry may be intense in early childhood.

3) Size of sibship. The total number of family interactions depends on how many children are added to the family. The more children added, it is obvious to note that the relationships are further diluted. Children who grew up in a small sibship-sized family tend to be intense in one-on-one relationships and intolerant of disorganization or chaos that comes along with large group settings. Large sibship-sized children often are highly tolerant and patient with many interactions going on at the same time but have lower intensity in one-on-one encounters.

4) Parents’ birth orders:

a. Only child raised by two firstborns may develop certain characteristics associated with authority and responsibility and may be a self-image of superiority.

b. Only child raised by two lastborns may turn out to be mellow and laid-back.

c. Lastborn raised by two middles may have a view of her sibling relationships as dominant in her life.

5) Parental attention. Parental attention refers to the amount of attentiveness a child receives from her parents. This includes: interest in her development, alertness to her thoughts and feelings, and love and affection.

a. Spoiled child leads to selfishness and unrealistic expectations in life.

b. Ignored child may lead to believing that others don’t care about the child, especially if they are older.

c. Parental overattention may hamper independence and may develop a self-conscious or unrelated personality.

6) Parental pressure is developed when there is much parental push for perfection and achievement.

a. Firstborns: Highest because of their direct accountability to first-time parents.

b. Middle children: Less intense because parents have gained more experience.

c. Lastborns: Usually the lowest in any sibship because they are rarely given responsibility for other siblings and are spared from parental pressure by older siblings.

• Take note that parental pressure may be beneficial when the limits are well understood, but continuous pressure may cause burnout for the child. It is not impossible for our children to overcome sibling rivalry. It just takes a little understanding and capturing the beautiful moments instead of pointing out what is not working out. It is a process worth working on one day at a time. Give it a try. Enjoy!

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E-mail author at mommytalk@businessworks.com.ph.