Often, we find it difficult to muster the energy to get ready for the holidays and the first year, especially, can be very difficult. One must be able to find a balance between sociability and solitude. In a country and culture known for its month-long celebration of Christmas (though this year, due to economic difficulties, Christmas can hardly be felt in the air), anticipating and planning do not take away the pain but doing so somehow helps us get through the days leading to Christmas.
In the first year after a loss, many people opt to take a break from routine. I have personally known of several families who have done this to avoid the stress that the customary holiday preparations bring. Breaking routine is a good option, but it needs to be discussed with all family members concerned, especially if there are small children in the family. Whatever we decide to do, we should try to make it of our own choosing, not something to satisfy other people’s expectations. We can create new traditions which will then become part of our own family’s history. It is important to remember that we need to be gentle with ourselves, for grief is an exhausting thing. We do not have to pretend that all is well – tears can be a rightful part of Christmas or any other celebration. Our surviving children would rather share them with us and feel loved and included, than be part of a charade; their moods change quickly, and they can cope with more than we expect of them. Here are some suggestions from The Compassionate Friends (TCF) to make the holiday season easier:
• Family gatherings may be extremely difficult. Be honest with each other about your feelings; sit down and decide what you all want to do for the holiday season. Don’t set expectations too high for yourself or other family members on that day.
• There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some people prefer to follow family traditions, while others decide to change them – it may help to do things just a little differently. Remember, what you choose to do this time can always be changed next year.
• Be careful of "shoulds" – it is better to do what feels best for you and your family, not what you or others think you should do. Give yourself permission to not do things. Once you have decided how your family will handle the holidays, let others know.
• Holidays are tiring; get lots of rest. You will need every bit of your strength. If you decide to decorate your home, let children, other family members or friends help you. It’s okay to do something different, or to do no decorating at all.
• How do you respond to "Merry Christmas"? You could say "Best wishes to you" or "Thank you." Think of how you might answer ahead of time.
• For noche buena, you may decide to visit relatives or friends this year. If you have dinner at home, try changing the menu, the time or the room. You may want to be involved in preparing the meal, or not.
• Be gentle with yourself and don’t expect too much. If you cry, don’t let that ruin the day for you. It may allow others to grieve and feel sad on a "happy" day.
• As the holiday approaches, share your concerns, feelings, and apprehensions with someone. Let them know what is difficult for you; accept their offers of help. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss; allow yourself to experience the sadness that comes. It is inevitable, of course, that you will remember your child this holiday season. There are many concrete steps you can take to honor his/her memory during a season that is all about families and reunions. The acts we choose may be done in private or in the company of family and friends. Here are some ways by which you can remember your child this holiday season:
• Candles, symbolizing the flame of life, lit in memory of a child who has died. This can be at home, at the graveside, at a TCF meeting or during a religious service.
• Plants chosen in remembrance, especially if your child liked a particular flower or color. Some plants attract butterflies, which have a special meaning for TCF members. Plants can be given to schools, colleges or other organizations with which our child was involved.
• Balloons, perhaps with a message or your child’s name on them, released within the privacy of your home or at a family reunion.
• Donations made to organizations or charities that have a special significance for your family. Equipment can be bought for hospital wards, public schools or shelters. Books, musical instruments or equipment can be donated to your child’s nursery, school or college. If he/she was old enough to be working, colleagues may want to organize an event in his/her memory
• Writing – a poem or a letter about your child at the time of the anniversary – is therapeutic as well as a special way of remembering. Poems or articles could be sent to TCF’s journal Compassion. Exchanging ideas through TCF meetings, Compassion or the website will help to develop our own ways of coping with special occasions.
One of the most important things you should remember, during the holidays or in the years that you do your grief work is that no one can dictate your grief or the time it takes to experience it. Give yourself the gift of individuality this holiday season. Claim your grief, become aware of it, acknowledge it, and create an action plan to cope with it. You will never know what will work unless you try it. The Compassionate Friends website advises that only you will know what you need, so give yourself permission to grieve your way this holiday season. Do whatever works for you. Just be careful of drugs, alcohol and high places. None of those work effectively and can lead to additional problems that you don’t need right now (or ever!).
Be tired. Be hurt. Be grieving. Your tears are a symbol of the love you shared. Let them flow in whatever way you need as you find your way through the pain and into the light of memories and love. Grief is an individual journey. No one can walk it for us. Each footprint must be our own. Handling the holidays is not a question of how to eliminate pain and grief from our lives, but rather how we can learn to live with the hurt and grief and grow from it rather than be consumed by it.
This is my family’s eighth Christmas minus our son Migi and a long time now since I lived through my first bereaved holiday season. However, even now, there are moments when my heart still becomes heavy when I see the special ornament that we put up on our tree many Christmases ago when the Lord first gave Migi to us. Even if he is no longer with us, we continue to put it up, knowing well in our hearts that his star shines brighter now in my life and those of my husband and children. Eventually, we learn that life can become good and whole and complete once again. I know now that it is when we realize that God fills the void left by our loved ones that life can become beautiful again.
Compassionate Friends member/writer Darcie Sims says it best, "It is not when we try to fill up the empty spaces left by loved ones no longer within hug’s reach, (that life becomes beautiful) but when we realize that love creates new spaces in the heart and expands the spirit and deepens the joy of simply being alive."
If you wish to join The Compassionate Friends Support group, call Noemi at 0917-810-1582 or Cathy at 0917-529-1964; e-mail friends@compassionatefriends.info or visit www.compassionatefriends.info.