Connect!

Dear Maricel,

I have a daughter who is two years and five months old. Starting last month, we noticed a change in her attitude. For petty reasons and, sometimes, for no reason at all, she would just cry out loud for an hour or two. At first, we tried to talk to her (to ask why she’s crying) and pacify her, but she would cry out louder. Now, once she starts to cry, we just keep quiet and hear her cry and if we cannot tolerate it anymore, we lock her inside the room so she would just cry. If we hear her calling our name, then it would be the time to open the room and pacify her.

After her "crying session," she would again be happily playing with us.

Please give us some advice/tips on how to handle her. – Olive Asis

Thank you for taking time out to write about your daughter. There are different reasons why a toddler cries. The best way to determine why is by trying to find out the source of your child’s cries. Is there a specific time of the day that she cries, has she been hurt, is there an additional member in the family or is the family experiencing some crisis? Is she hungry or sleepy? Perhaps she is not yet able to completely tell you the source of her cry because of age and limited verbal skill, which makes her cry more because she feels frustrated about her inability to express herself completely. Letting her cry is a good exercise to help her get over whatever hurt or pain she is feeling. I suggest you don’t lock her in the room. Keep her within your sight to keep her from getting hurt. There is no telling what a frustrated/angry toddler can do without the supervision of an adult. Besides, it is quite traumatic for a two-year- old to be locked up in a room. Assure her you love her and want to find out what’s wrong to help her. Let her know she is allowed to cry and whisper to her that you would appreciate it if she can make her cries softer.

Hope that helps.

Maricel

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Parents I’ve encountered through our seminars and this column struggle with almost the same things. Most of them want to know what to do when they don’t know what to do. There are countless prescriptions for various scenarios at home and, sometimes, figuring out what to do in the midst of an unpredictable situation elicits an unpredictable reaction from parents, who often regret their actions. I like the suggestion given by authors Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in the book Raising Great Kids. They encourage parents to get connected with their children during times of uncertainty when they cannot find a game plan or solution to their current dilemma with their children.

According to Cloud and Townsend, instead of withdrawing from their child, being overcontrolling or losing touch with reality, parents can consider connecting. Here are some illustrations given by the authors to stay in relationship when dealing with problems:

• If your infant cries a lot, and the doctor says he is healthy, try holding, carrying, comforting, walking or soothing him to help him relax and stop crying.

• When your toddler lets out a scream after you have prevented her from doing something that could endanger her, like playing with a knife or touching an electric outlet, hold her if she lets you. Try to help her contain her hatred and help her to grieve and resolve. If she doesn’t let you hold her, don’t force the issue. Soothe her verbally for a while and assure her you are there for her.

• If your eight-year-old is brokenhearted after feeling betrayed by his best friend, you may help him solve his problem by first, emphatizing with him and letting him feel his sadness.

• If you suspect that your teenager withdraws to him room all the time because of drug use, invite him to talk. Let him know how much you miss him and ask if you have somehow alienated him. Connect with him before you confront.

When our children know we care for them more than the accomplishments of our rules and regulations, their hearts warm up to us. They in turn want to cooperate with us. Hopefully, our children will not have to resort to creating problems for us to find the need to connect with them. Let us connect as many times as we possibly can so that problems don’t need to be blown out of proportions and we have a healthy perspective of our relationship with our children. Enjoy your day and connect!

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E-mail author at mommytalk@businessworks.com.ph.